A joke a day to keep the darkness away!

[DisinfectantDoris]

Reading some threads during the awful situation we're all in together and I thought maybe a joke thread, literally just jokes/ joke stories, all in one place might be useful for some?

I'll start...and (hopefully not end at the same time 🙄😂)...

"Someone stole my antidepressants, whoever they are I hope their happy"

"What cheese can never be yours?...Nacho cheese"

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a pint of Strongbow. The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".

Got this from my daughters English workbook

What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreak!

I lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that

Grandad had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban of the zoo!

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

I got given this amazing new pen - it writes underwater.

It also writes a lot of their words, too.

Doh, autocorrect - it writes a lot of other words, too.

I took the shell off my racing snail recently. I thought it would help it go faster but if anything, it's made it more sluggish.

One sperm says to the other ‘I’m tired..’. The other replies ‘Stop moaning , we’ve got a LONG way to go yet, we’ve only just passed the tonsils!’

I was going to tell you a joke about sodium...

...but Na

So there are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux trois cat. who won? The English cat. The un deux trois cat sank.

What did the magic tractor do?
Went round the corner and turned into a field

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"

He said "Well that depends where you're calling from.'"

Do you know the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is using a feather - perverted is using the whole chicken!

And a brain teaser for you all:

I want you to imagine a glass demijohn (those big bottles with the small neck, for making wine in). Now I want you to imagine that, inside the demijohn, is a live, adult duck.

Without breaking the demijohn, or harming the duck, how do you get the duck out of the demijohn?

Well - you imagined the duck into the demijohn - so just imagine it back out again!

I was going to tell you a gay joke...
Butt fuck it.

Cindy: how was your blind date?
Sonia: terrible, he showed up in his Rolls Royce from 1928.
Cindy: that sounds like a fantastic car.
Sonia: well yes but he was the first owner.

I was parked outside the BBC this morning. As I went to open the car door I dropped my keys and they went into a drain. As I stood there wondering what to do David Attenborough came over. Apparently had seen what happened. He started rubbing himself against my car door and it suddenly opened and the engine started. I asked him how he did it. He said "I'm wearing my khaki trousers".

Wow great to see more jokes! 💞 Love the Khaki trousers @Magissa!!!

An old married couple are in church one Sunday… when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

Similar long married couple:

Husband calls over to wife: "What's for dinner?"

Wife looks out of window, silently.

Husband (louder): "What's For Dinner?!"

Wife continues looking out of the window, silently.

Husband walks right up behind her and shouts: "WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!!"

Wife turns round and says: "For the third time : roast chicken!"

I was watching a video of how to make a face mask out of a bra cup.

I tried it but dh says I look like a right tit.

I apologise in advance ...

Went to the supermarket today and someone threw their cheddar at me!
Real mature

Did you hear about the explosion in the French cheese factory?
All that was left was de brie

When can you not see cheese?
When it's pasteurised

What does cheese to itself when it looks in a mirror?
Halloumi

How do you handle a dangerous cheese?
Caerphilly

What do you call a cheese from the Middle East?
Cheesus of Nazareth

How did the cheese paint his wife?
He double Gloucester

Sorry if you don't think these are very Gouda, I will try to do Feta next time

I forgot this one:

Which cheese do you use to hide a small horse?
Mascarpone

While taking a bath, a three-year-old boy was examining his testicles.
"Mum", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

One day on a diplomatic visit to England, Donald Trump asked the Queen Elizabeth...
...”Your highness, how do you get such intelligent people to be part of your parliment?” The queen replies “I ask them one simple question that reveals if they are worthy enough to be a political leader, here, let me show you.” The queen summons Boris Johnson into the room and asks him “Boris, answer me this, your mother has a child who is neither your sister or your brother, who is this child?” Boris replies, “well, your majesty, it’s me.”

Trump, in awe of what he had just witnessed, rushes back to the states, eager to put his own government to the test. Trump calls Mike Pence into the Oval Office and asks him “Mike, your parents had a child who is neither your brother nor your sister, who is this child?” Mike sits for a minute and says “Mr. President, let me consult the house to see if we can find the answer.” Mike Pence calls up Nancy Pelosi ana asks “Nancy, your parents had a child, who is neither your brother nor your sister, who is this child?” Nancy responds “Mr. Vice President, it’s me!” Mike pence immediately calls back Trump and says “Mr. President, if my parents had a child who is neither my brother nor my sister, it’s Nancy Pelosi!” Trump sighs in dissapointment and replies “No Mike, you’re wrong.” Mike Pence is in complete confusion, and asks “Mr. President, who is it then!” Trump, annoyed at the incompetence of his own Vice President, yells “it’s Boris Johnson!”

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it is a hardware problem.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Ayyye, matey.