How do you get away from people who just wont stop talking at you?

[BlueSpotty]

An ex colleague of mine, who talks and talks, lives near me. I often see her around in local shops. I try to avoid her seeing me if I can but sometimes she catches sight of me first and makes a beeline for me. She then proceeds to talk at me for anything up to 90 minutes; lots of long 'stories' and she leans in really closely and keeps eye contact whilst she does it. It's really very hard to get away without interrupting her story!

Last week I bumped into her in Tesco and she talked at me for an hour. When I said I had to go she kept following me as I walked to the till, then stood talking to me while I paid and packed the food. I was starting to feel panicky and just wanted to get away.

There is also a grandfather who does the school run each day who does the same thing and talks at me for ages. Again I avoid him but don't always manage to and it's very hard to get away without being rude.

Oh and I've also somehow got lumbered with giving someone who goes to a class I go to a lift home each week after class and she literally won't get out of my car and sometimes talks for up to an hour, even though I keep saying I have to go!

How do you get away from people like this?

Oh she is inyour car sometimes open the door and shove her out say bye carol

You'll feel so much better once you've stopped the lifts.
Think of it this way - at the moment you're making yourself feel fed up, if it is an evening class then presumably it's the difference between getting home at say 9pm vs 10pm? That hour is yours. Also you're not doing her any favours by acting as though her behaviour is fine. Perhaps she still won't recognise that she's the common denominator in all these people no longer being able to give her a lift, but continuing the lifts is continuing the nonsense.

Just say "I can't continue the lifts anymore." You don't need to give a reason, "it no longer suits" is fine.
It's difficult to treat her differently but she's not being fair. It'll be worth it.

Yes, it's in the evenings. The class finishes at 8 and sometimes I'm not getting in until half 9 as she takes ages to get ready to go after the class then sits in the car for ages.

Good for you. See - you're not the bad guy. Others know exactly what she's like. It would have been nice if one of them had tipped you off, but there you go.....

That's really unfair of her, if you're getting a lift from someone you should do your best to be ready before they are, rather than have the wait on you. It's sounding worse now. Good luck with telling her, the relief is in reach!

OP if you can’t be truthful and direct say you have a new commitment on this day and therefore need to be home immediately after your session and can’t give her lifts anymore. If you find her twisting your arm and you can’t get out of it just say I’m leaving now so she’ll have to run after you, then if she doesn’t
Immediately Get out of the car say you’ll have to come to my drive and walk back home as I’m leaving now and drive away from her house, she’ll sharp stop you and get the message- have a plan , practise the words in the mirror and be decisive- you can do it

I think the i have to go now is the way to go you don't owe her an explanation just set it up if she wants a lift she needs to be ready, don't park at her house put your hazards on if you set up urgency she might just get out the car again don't tell her why you are in " a hurry"

You're doing the right thing OP. If anyone wants to feel sorry for her then they can step up and offer her lifts unless she's already burnt her bridges with them.

I have a neighbour like this but there's nothing I can really do as she knocks on the door and then launched into long monologues. I can't make excuses to dash home as I'm already there. I think she wants to be invited in but she would never leave. It's also at really inconvenient times. Argh.

Launches*

Slow down to about 10mph, throw the door open and push her out. Cheery bye and close door.

Yes get away from car nutter!

Use this experience to see how you totally misread the situation, especially other people's perceptions. Nobody was going to think badly of you. That was all bonkers catastrophising in your own mind. If anything the others were wondering why you were being such a doormat. Many of them had had to ditch the nutter.

Be rude. Walk off when they are mid sentence. I say "Got to go, bye." right over the top of them speaking, mid sentence, don't wait for a natural gap.

Here's how it goes:
Them:
You: "Got to go, bye" while they are speaking (because they don't stop).
Them: or attempt to keep you.
You: "I have to go now, bye" you walk away immediately.

They don't care whether you are listening or not anyway. Selfish people. They are being rude. You can force a stop. It is rude to support people in being rude, iyswim.

"Sally, get out of the car!"

"If you don't get out now you'll have to wait till I get home"

Then do it.

I realise you've decided not to give her a lift; but keep this in mind for the next person who does it.

With people who stop and talk to you, just say "well, lovely to see you, bye".

With people who ring the bell: when you've had enough, just say "well, I must be off now, bye" and close the door.

@Notredamn I think you need to take some tips from this thread. 'Sorry, I must get on' and close the door. It's your house!

This thread has reminded me that my late dear mother (DM) did this a lot. I grew up watching my sister held 'captive' for hours and so learned early on to 'slope off'.

Make noises that you are glad to see them / sorry you have to rush off but keep moving. Works every time.

Tell them you have coronavirus.

Don't tell her a reason! If you do, she'll reason back and explain why she thinks your reasons are wrong etc. Give her as little as possible to work with. Don't give her any opportunity for discussion.

I've known two or three of these people and they are exhausting! They make you feel like you've been for a ten mile walk, they drain all your energy. I agree with a previous poster - you keep waiting for them to pause so you can say something, but they never pause, so the only way is to either speak over them or avoid them altogether.

You have to look after yourself, OP.

Ultimately you stop trying to use your words to make it stop and start using your body. Walk off. Shut a door. Drive off without them.

Take control.

This is true in many areas of life where you are faced with unreasonable people. Choose your action. Do the action.

Reasoning with the unreasonable person and having them cooperate is a nice to have but definitely not necessary.

I totally agree about people like that draining energy. I honestly feel like lift woman has affected my mental health; instead of feeling uplifted and happy after a class I feel upset and angry when I get home.

Yes it's true. So please look after your mental health and end this now, and do it for you. And you already know from the other people in the class that they've dealt with her before and also find her draining, so they won't think any less of you for doing so.

I know it's hard to pluck up the courage, but it really will be for the best in the long run.

Well done for deciding to ditch car woman.

With the supermarket droners how about the moment they come up to you, put your hand up as a fend-off and to block eye contact. Don’t let them draw breath. Leap in with “It’s lovely to see you Annoying Person with No Social Skills but I am in a rush so won’t stop. Bye now!” Turn a brisk 180° and walk away. Be very preoccupied with your list and the shelves and do not make eye contact. If they choose to come and talk at you don’t react or respond or make eye contact. They can stand next to you, follow you etc but you don’t need to listen. You don’t need to say “oh really” or make any other listening cues. Just keep doing your shop because if you keep going and they are trotting along chatting you should be able to ditch them by the till. But don’t wait for a pause to tell them anything, it will never come. Stop being polite. They are not polite.

In all of the monologues these people inflict on you, do they ever ask you a question about you or your family?? I bet they don’t. That’s how rude and self centred they are.

Very interesting to see so many people using the word monologue. These people never properly interact. They don't really want a conversation. They just talk at you rather than with you. That's why it feels like they're all take, take, take with your energy and time

In my experience, only being direct will have an effect.

"Right,stop talking because I'm going now".

Well done for deciding to stop the lifts, OP.

I have a boss who won't stop talking. I can be inching out of the door and she's still blethering on about something, usually something completely unconnected with work and frequently of no interest to me.

Good for you

Try to think of it like this - you've attempted every possible polite way to end a conversation and part ways.

She has ignored all of these attempts. Whether she's done so because she doesn't give a shit and is selfish or genuinely doesn't understand normal social interactions, it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that the only persons behaviour you can control is your own. You've been unfailingly kind and polite, but that's resulted in you yourself being anxious and stressed about this.

You need to put yourself first and although it might feel 'rude' or 'selfish' it's ok to be those things when necessary, especially as you've already tried other methods.

Glad to hear you've made a definitive decision - stick to it!