How do you get away from people who just wont stop talking at you?

[BlueSpotty]

An ex colleague of mine, who talks and talks, lives near me. I often see her around in local shops. I try to avoid her seeing me if I can but sometimes she catches sight of me first and makes a beeline for me. She then proceeds to talk at me for anything up to 90 minutes; lots of long 'stories' and she leans in really closely and keeps eye contact whilst she does it. It's really very hard to get away without interrupting her story!

Last week I bumped into her in Tesco and she talked at me for an hour. When I said I had to go she kept following me as I walked to the till, then stood talking to me while I paid and packed the food. I was starting to feel panicky and just wanted to get away.

There is also a grandfather who does the school run each day who does the same thing and talks at me for ages. Again I avoid him but don't always manage to and it's very hard to get away without being rude.

Oh and I've also somehow got lumbered with giving someone who goes to a class I go to a lift home each week after class and she literally won't get out of my car and sometimes talks for up to an hour, even though I keep saying I have to go!

How do you get away from people like this?

I think it's a disorder of some kind.

earsup
I knew someone like that..ex colleague and stayed in touch..awful woman ...3 hour monologues on the phone..I would just say battery is going and hang up !!

THREE HOURS!!!!

I used to be the person who got "saddled" with people like this. I was complaining to a friend once, and she told me I didn't have to humour them - nobody else did. I thought about it and it was a huge revelation. For some reason I subconsciously saw it as my duty to suffer people like this (probably due to a mother with a personality disorder, but that's another story!) From that moment on, i stopped seeing myself in that role, and life got a lot better.

Say you're visiting someone after the class who lives in the opposite direction. You can't give her a lift and be firm.

I know someone like this, ended up going to a spa as a group and I had to share a room with her, she just talked non stop about anything and everything, it completely ruined the experience for me.

I have a couple of neighbours like this.

I mentally give them a certain amount of time (maybe 5 or 10 minutes) and then tell them I have to go. If they continue to talk, I kind of raise my hands - big smile - "Sorry Karen, I really need to shoot off now. Take care".

Saying 'Goodbye/take care' or whatever as you walk away, is the firm and decisive bit you need to practice.

Yes you might feel rude, but remember they are the rude one when you've already told them you need to go or you've started to make a move.

Lift lady, do you have her number to send a text? If so send a text saying that, lovely as it is to have a chat with her, she must get out of the car as soon you arrive at her house otherwise you can't give her a lift anymore. It's simply taking up too much of your time and having a knock on effect for your family. Otherwise say it to her on your next journey home. Then don't give her a lift if she doesn't get the message. You are not being rude, you are deflecting her rudeness.

People that you meet in the supermarket, don't stop moving. Say "hi X, can't stop" and do a quick shop without stopping at all, even if they are walking right behind you talking.

@Flagg - YES.

Cough.

I also use the phrase "I mustn't keep you any longer, and I must get a move on too!"

Helps to have a demanding child tugging at your arm - handy to hear "Come on mummy!!" sometimes

I know someone like this - she will talk to anyone, any time about anything. And she can't be swayed from the track that she's on - so she will ignore anything you say whilst she's talking at you, even the agreements or supportive comments. It's like a compulsion. She will continue talking at you as she's walking away from you, with her back to you, as she's walking down the stairs and you can't see her anymore...She will go into the most trivial detail about what she's done that day, why she bought cabbage, why her husband needs new socks...anything.

How can these people not stop and think? Does the person I'm talking to want to hear all this, is it interesting to them?

She'll ask me a question now and again but she's already moving away as she asks! Or half way through my answer she'll pick up her phone to show me a picture! And she does that thing that someone upthread mentioned, eye contact, and she also gets incredibly close and if you start to move away, she will literally grab your arm. Firmly!!!

I had a revelation about this. These people are rude. They pay no attention to you or your interest levels or the fact that they are dominating the conversation. They’re rude. So why on earth am I worrying about being polite?

I now cut them off - Got to go - and walk away. Even mid sentence. Every time. Truth is I don’t think they even notice because they are so utterly self absorbed.

My MIL is like this. It is hard, but honestly you just have to say goodbye and walk off. It is really hard, but the whole family do this to MIL, so in the early years I would be the only one left in the room with her talking at me. Now I do it to. I swear, she doesn't seem to get offended, it is the only thing you can possibly do.

After awful monologues and I switched off phone, she would leave voicemails continuing the conversation.!!...no idea of boundaries etc and she is a counsellor and therapist !!

Re the woman in your class - does she live far from you? Can you drive straight to your house, get out of the car and go straight inside, leaving her to walk home rather than talk at you?

My elderly neighbour used to be one of these. In fact, he most likely still is but I no longer give him the chance to buttonhole me. One time several years ago, I was late leaving work one Friday evening and as I climbed the first flight of stairs at home (block of flats) he opened his front door and pounced, saying he had something interesting to show me. To cut a long story short, I escaped TWO HOURS later, all because the silly old b* wanted me to look at his photography collection from decades since. Every time I tried to leave, he came up with another gem. Once I was nicely fuming, I just announced I was off and marched out and away. I swear he'd been waiting for me to get home all afternoon .

Apparently, he had form for this sort of thing. Another neighbour in the same block, now sadly deceased, once missed the first half of a football match he'd been looking forward to watching on television because of our hero's unwelcome tendency to monopolise people at the most inconvenient times!

Thank you all for the replies!

The woman I give a lift to does live on my way home but not within walking distance of me so I have no choice but to drop her home unfortunately. She is very dramatic and one week when she couldn't get to class she was saying on our group chat that she would kill herself if she couldn't get a lift there!

"OOh...Jane, I'm so sorry to cut you off but I'm in a bit of a rush today. We'll have to catch up another time, ok?" Then walk off.

Or

"Would you mind terribly if I don't give you a lift anymore, I have to get straight home to catch up with work after the classes. Thanks so much for understanding."

It’s not nice to feel you’re being unkind by not offering a lift or stopping for a chat but if it’s not working for you, you’ve got to be a bit firmer. Don’t offer a lift, you don’t have to, and you don’t have to explain yourself. If someone starts chatting on just say you don’t have time. I know we’re all programmed to be polite, but you don’t have to constantly put up with people going on at you.

I have a hugely irritating co-worker who constantly tries to interrupt my day by talking at me. I just ignore him. If he doesn’t take the hint I just say ‘I’m busy, can you let me get on.’ It might sound like I’m being rude but it’s the only way I can get rid of him and get on with my day. He obviously doesn’t see it as rude because he comes back several time’s and I just have to keep repeating myself (through gritted teeth). But it does cut down the amount of time he just talks at me. I’d like to tell him to shut his gob and bugger off to be honest!!! He also smells and makes my room smelly if he’s in there too long but that’s another thread!

One week when I couldn't give her a lift home and told her the day before, she phoned the instructor and several other attendees crying about not being able to get home and then I looked like the bad guy.

Oh..let her cry..!!..she could get a bus or a cab to the class..??...my ex colleague would also do the eye contact and be very in my face...i hated that.....thats why i just blocked her in the end...its a shame as there is a yoga class near her house that i would like to attend but dont dare go to that area in case she sees me....being firm is not being rude but these people have no boundaries...i think its better to just avoid them totally...i feel much better now and knowing i have a choice and chose never to see my one ever again...she has probably found some one else to grab and talk at !

You only look the bad guy to her, everyone else will know exactly what she's like and they are very grateful you're taking the brunt of her attentions. They certainly will not want to pick up the hassle of her so they will not volunteer to give her a lift and who could blame them.
Stand firm.

Car lady certainly knows how to manipulate you! If you want to carry on.giving her lifts, stop outside her house, get out while she's talking and go round and open her door, then say "Sorry, I've got to go", and go. You feel you're being rude, but it is stressing you and it's within.your power to stop it. If you don't want to carry on giving her a lift, say you don't want to anymore. As the.pp said, other people will know she's a nightmare and won't blame you.

Well if she can't get herself to and from the class then she needs to rethink things. It's not your responsibility to be her taxi service. You have two options :

• Decide for yourself what you are prepared to do (including nothing) and stick to it.
• Allow her to dictate how you spend your time and watch your self-respect disappear.

She is not your friend.
She does not care about you.
She finds you useful for what you can do for her.
If you continue to give her lifts and let her decide when she's finished talking at you and you can finally go home, it's your decision to allow this to happen. You know what to expect, and the longer it goes on the more annoyed you'll be. So it's up to you to change things.

"It's been lovely to see you, but I need to go now. Goodbye " (and walk away)

To car lady: "I need to move on. Please get out of my car".

These people can't or won't take hints.