How do you get away from people who just wont stop talking at you?

[BlueSpotty]

An ex colleague of mine, who talks and talks, lives near me. I often see her around in local shops. I try to avoid her seeing me if I can but sometimes she catches sight of me first and makes a beeline for me. She then proceeds to talk at me for anything up to 90 minutes; lots of long 'stories' and she leans in really closely and keeps eye contact whilst she does it. It's really very hard to get away without interrupting her story!

Last week I bumped into her in Tesco and she talked at me for an hour. When I said I had to go she kept following me as I walked to the till, then stood talking to me while I paid and packed the food. I was starting to feel panicky and just wanted to get away.

There is also a grandfather who does the school run each day who does the same thing and talks at me for ages. Again I avoid him but don't always manage to and it's very hard to get away without being rude.

Oh and I've also somehow got lumbered with giving someone who goes to a class I go to a lift home each week after class and she literally won't get out of my car and sometimes talks for up to an hour, even though I keep saying I have to go!

How do you get away from people like this?

Based on your updates, don't give car lady a lift anymore. She's some sort of cluster b personality disorder and I wouldn't be surprised if she soon starts asking you for other 'little favors' if you continue to tolerate her shit. Grooming you to run around after her.

I'd actually change my class to avoid her if possible. She isn't stable.

then I looked like the bad guy.

Maybe you really believe that. Curiously, everyone who has replied to this thread has seen someone too kind for their own good, getting saddled with people.

Are you really prepared to give up your time to these people, to stop 'looking like the bad guy'. Don't you have better uses of your time? Why let people steal it?

You can't get it back once they have used it up.

She's threatening to kill herself if you don't give her a lift?! That's outrageous.

I have a friend who can talk without drawing a breath for several hours and I have been caught by her many times as I've run into the supermarket for something and have had to stay hours listening to her. She pauses if I speak (sometimes) but doesn't pay any attention. What she does is start one story, then start another and another and another and then winds them up up again. I think of it like a clockface, where every five minutes until half past she starts a story, then every five minutes until the hour she finishes one off, so you can't get away as she hasn't finished all her stories. She never drops a story - quite magnificent at times, all that juggling!

I have to avoid her now, which I hate, because I do like to see her, but unless I have a few hours spare, it's not worth it.

The woman I give a lift to does live on my way home but not within walking distance of me so I have no choice but to drop her home unfortunately

Don't be daft. 😌 You do have a choice.

This is where coronavirus panic can be used to your advantage op. Don a face mask and cough occasionally, car lady might not want to hang around! Failing that, fit an ejector seat in your car!
If I need a quick escape from someone I pretend I have a delivery due imminently and can't hang around.

No idea on your other problematic people, but for car lady I'd go with something like...

'I need to start getting home earlier, so it'll need to be a quick drop-off on the way home!' cheerful and friendly as you set off from your class with the cheeky classmate.

'I need to start getting home earlier, so I'll just drop you off in the usual spot but I can't stay to chat' cheerful, friendly and FIRM when approaching drop off.

'Right, out you get, I need to get home.' Immediately upon car stoping.

If she keeps talking, don't wait for her to stop... Just talk over her (yes it's rude, but so is she at this point!).
'Classmate, I need to go now, can you get out the car please'.
Open her door for her if she still isn't getting the picture!

I know exactly what you mean OP. I have resorted to hiding from a woman who used to live in the same block of flats as me. When she lived in the same block I very rarely bumped into her,but since she moved about 8 years ago,to a house only a couple of streets away,I seem to run into her much more frequently at the bus stop or in the local mini supermarket. She just never stops rabbiting on and on. She's a nice enough person,but she's a bit of a drama queen,always get some trauma going on with herself,her husband or her children. She's not really interested in what I have to say and I just end up standing there and saying ',mm' and nodding. The problem is I always, seem to run into her when I'm in a hurry,e.g. got a doctor's appointment in 40 minutes. My heart sinks when I'm hurrying along (as quickly as my arthritis riddled knees will allow me) and I see her walking towards me,because I know if I stop,I will be there for at least 45 minutes. I admit that when I've come home in the evening,popped into the shop and spotted her in there,I hide at the end of the shop,out of her sight until she's been to the till and left. Sometimes I'm so tired and my legs are so painful,I just cannot face standing there for ages with her going on and on about her latest drama.

Two options for car woman. You need to tell her in advance about what a pressing rush you're in after you drop her off, bring it up during the class, speak about it on the way to the car and make reference to it in the car as well.
Or stop doing her the favour. Her crying about it would wind me up actually so I'd be inclined to just drop the lifts.

I think with that suicide threat in a group chat I would say, "Sorry, Woman, I can't give you any lifts if you're going to threaten me with suicide. It's just not fair." Then don't say another word until she's retracted and apologised.

Well, I suppose that you can't push her out of the car (although in your position I would want to give it a try). What you can do is park, get out and shut your door so that you can't hear her. She will get out in order to keep talking at you. If she closes her door then open yours slightly and press lock on your key fob, get in and drive away. If she doesn't close her door, walk around to the passenger side and close it. Lock the car, walk back to your side, unlock for just long enough to open your door then relock the car. Get in and drive away.

TBH it would be easier to just stop over thinking what other people think about you. So what if someone you hardly know in the class gives off a sense of vague disapproval because you won't drive someone else you hardly know. If that person is so disapproving then THEY can drive her. I work on the principle that the only opinions that matter to me are from the people I admire and whose judgement I trust. Everyone else, particularly strangers, can judge at will because I won't be paying attention. If nobody at all disapproves then my life is probably too boring and I should think about doing something wild and perhaps a little inappropriate.

Just seen the suicide threat post. Fuck that, then. I'd never speak to her again after that let alone give her any more lifts. How manipulative.

Car woman - say to her "I can't stop to chat tonight, I have to get going"
If she carries on talking then be really firm
"Jane! I said I can't stop, I need to go!".
Don't be polite, don't quietly nod along, just repeat "Jane, stop! I'm going!" until she gets out.
If she really doesn't get that hint then she's too unstable to be alone in a car with and you need to stop giving her lifts anyway

As far the others, don't worry about being rude. If you offend them they might stop talking to you anyway.
"I have to stop you there, I need to go. BYEEE!" and start walking away. It's fine to interrupt, they would interrupt you.

No no no OP, you've been over-trained in politeness. It isn't rude to interrupt them and say, 'It's been nice to see you but now I must go. Bye.' Practice in the mirror or with a friend. You can't let these selfish self-absorbed people rule your life. You are not being rude to end the interaction by your own choice. Do it!

the only opinions that matter to me are from the people I admire and whose judgement I trust

this ^ wot @blackamericanonosugar said

Actually a pp has a point about potential cluster b behaviour. Fecundity just do what suits you anyway. No-one here thinks you'd be unkind to stop the lifts, I'm sure people in real life would feel the same. And if not, well perhaps it's more important that you protect yourself anyway.

Fecundity? Ghosts in the machine!

I had a partner whose mother did this ...just talk and talk and talk with no break points or pauses....eventually after many attempts to leave or change things politely I just had enough and said very loudly "STOP !Just shut the fuck up ...!"we were a very sweary lot..she was so offended she stopped talking to me for about a week . Seriously you have nothing to lose by being very firm and direct, it's the only way.

I am adding again as experienced this....but not now...I was having CBT for some anxiety and mentioned the draining monologue friend and the counsellor said to me..' your time is valuable and important and you cannot get it back so don't give it to these people...'...that made me finally block her !!..Being polite doesn't work with these types as they dont know boundaries.....they will find someone else to talk at...probably even a wall if they have to...!!....maybe it's a mental health condition..??

If she doesn't get out, tell her you're going to set off because you need to get home. And then if she still doesn't, drive home and leave her sat in your car on the driveway.

This is hard - compulsive talkers can be really difficult to get away from. With some people the only thing to do is break in, cut them off and (somehow) walk away, and that type of behaviour feels rude and goes against our instincts, however justified it is.
I know a few people like this- some good friends, a close relative, a couple of colleagues. It’s harder to deal with than people sometimes think, because the ‘talker’ lacks self awareness and can be the easily wounded type- and essentially they are probably a nice person who you don’t want to say ‘shut up’ to. This might be evidence of a personality trait or even a condition, because I would certainly want to be told if I was going on a bit.
In your case, I think that getting out of the car as soon as you’ve stopped (eg to get things out of the boot?) might be a useful strategy.

Or go round to her side of the car to let her out, as if you are super courteous!

I've decided I'm going to totally stop giving lifts to lift woman. Her behaviour is really getting me down. I have been speaking to others that attend the class and it turns out some of them used to give her lifts too but stopped as she took the piss with them, too. I didn't realise, but some of them don't really speak to her anymore as she apparently falls out with people when they won't do as she wants. Typical user, I guess!

So I will send her a text and say I won't be able to give her anymore lifts. Not even sure I'll give an excuse/reason tbh.

There is a very sweet and lovely woman on my road who is a bit like this - not quite on the scale as some on this thread, but my heart does sink slightly if she catches sight of me. Recently she caught me as I was going in my front gate with some shopping. She asked how I was and I said "well actually I've recently been in hospital and had an operation and this is the first time I've been out for a week. I feel really tired and need to go and lie down, I think". Finally got away from her about 20 minutes later.

OP, well done on deciding not to give her lifts anymore. Wise decision. You don't have to give a reason at all but if that feels too blunt you could say something vague like 'for family/personal reasons I can't give you a lift to or from class anymore'.

You need to be firm cut her off say it was lovely catching up i need to go and walk off smiling and waving you are scared to be seen as rude that is why you are standing for 90 bloody minutes listening to stories !