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Original poster

The big reveal on illicit affairs

96 replies

Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 07:50

Hi , I am totally new to forums and not very tech savvy so bear with me .

I had read other posts on here that gave me great advice and tips on his to confront and catch . God bless you all for being such an amazing community. I would have been on my own without reading your stories

Have just caught out husband of 25 yrs on this site ( he doesn’t know I know ) but have asked him if he has been seeing other people . He had finally admitted after my interrogation to that and said he had joined up on a web site for married people who are looking to meet up for coffee chats and possibly more . He admits to coffee , but no sex as yet . I however know different . I have seen his messages to one lady where he has been seeing here for at least 3 months , and they talk about kissing and ‘naked caving ‘ . What’s that ?
However he also has been meeting up with other ladies for chats and left a message saying still thinking about you !

He doesn’t know yet the full extent of my investigations which go beyond his as want to keep my powder dry.
Naturally in am devastated , but am having some me time in a nice hotel with a spa ( after all I deserve that ) and looking at cost of this web site subscription feel so justified in doing this . He will have to pay me back for this too

This has allowed me to think about my next move . I had to move out to clear my head as I had very dark thoughts on pay back and revenge .

So far I have done

Divorce- seen a solicitor already and it would be 50:50 split. We both work ft similar salaries etc
Closed the one joint accounts ( I only ever put my some saving here not him )
Cancelled credit card we share ( he had never put anything on it tbf

And considered other options
If we reconcile - Signing over the house to me we are both joint owners in deed ( we have no mortgage) and using a solicitor to do that . He would have to agree to this as sorry is to easy to say , I need financial stability . Can I do this ?
Counselling for him - the little rat face
And trying to rebuild our life whether we stay together or not ( we have a teen)

Any advice on this would be great . Thank you

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 07/03/2020 08:10

I don't see the point of the signing over the house, as since you say any divorce would be 50-50?

OlaEliza · 07/03/2020 08:11

Getting an std test would be first on my list.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/03/2020 08:12

Waiting for someone to explain 'naked caving' ...

Russellbrandshair · 07/03/2020 08:14

Why would you stay with someone after they did this? Trust would be gone. He could sign the house over to you and still cheat- he could get half anyway in a divorce since he’d be contributing to the mortgage. I’d move on and start again. Life is too short for all of this because of his selfishness

joystir59 · 07/03/2020 08:19

I would imagine 'naked caving' is, simply, fucking.

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 08:23

I agree this is so selfish and I’m still so raw and angry about the whole dirty saga that is unfolding . The trust is so gone and I’m not sure if that can ever be regained or re built , but I’m trying to be balanced and not make rash decisions

To add
We haven’t been intimate for a very long time
We have no mortgage
He could still cheat - I agree, but it would cost him so much more as he would have nothing and my finances are protected .

OP posts:
ForraM · 07/03/2020 08:25

OP are you in the U.K.? If so it doesn't matter whose name the money or house is in. A marriage that long means an equal split in divorce

Bluewater1 · 07/03/2020 08:27

Wouldn't he get 50 50 in a divorce anyway?

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 08:29

Yes in uk . However I have read that you can change the title deeds before divorce , either to add or remove names . If his name is removed he only has right of occupancy if we were to reconcile . As we have no mortgage he is not contributing to financials ol the house , but more like a tenant paying share of bills

OP posts:
ProseccoSupernova · 07/03/2020 08:32

Sorry you are going through this but why would he willingly sign over the house and forfeit any proceed from a sale? He doesn’t sound the type to do it out of the goodness of his own heart!

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 08:35

He would - despite the fact he had done this he would do this .

OP posts:
Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 08:42

Please try and understand this

I’m not trying to protect him - but despite this he is a very good father , and we have built up a solid financial future together . He is very duty bound on ensuring his family are financially protected. I do not believe he would screw me over financially but this great crack has caused me to ensure that the life we imagined is still mine . After all he messed up massively

OP posts:
Russellbrandshair · 07/03/2020 08:46

Okay, let’s say you did this and let’s say he had no rights over the house. He signs the house over to you. Then he cheats again. What then? You will be emotionally destroyed. I doubt the fact you have a house is going to be much comfort in this scenario. He could move in with his bit on the side and you’ll be alone. Yes you’ll have the house but at what emotional cost? Signing the house over will make your partnership unbalanced, that’s on top of all the other awful behaviours he’s engaged in. I understand you don’t want to make rash decisions but he has proven he can’t be trusted. I guess I’m just not sure why you’d want to go through all these adjustments to stay with a man who treated you terribly. I don’t think it’s worth it personally. It feels like the emotional equivalent of taking out a mortgage to buy a bag of trash, you know?

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 08:57

I see your point and you make sense

I don’t think I could be more emotionally destroyed. At least I would be going in with eyes open ? So in that respect it’s more balanced in my favour and not his ?

The question is really then for me to believe than I already am at this point . Yes I’m hurting .
The trust is gone
Yes he may cheat again

24 years is a long time with someone - all of our friendships , family are entwinned.

He is a complete and utter idiot

OP posts:
namechangedforthis1122 · 07/03/2020 09:04

What the fuck is naked caving

Can you use it in a sentence Grin

namechangedforthis1122 · 07/03/2020 09:04

Also, what an absolute bastard. Leave him, please

Confused866 · 07/03/2020 09:06

When you say you haven’t been intimate for a long time, what does that mean? No sex for how long? It’s not right to cheat obviously but people do go outside of their marriage sometimes to meet needs that are no longer being met within the marriage. Maybe the relationship has run it’s course and you would be best to separate and split 50/50 and start again? What you’re proposing for staying together doesn’t sound healthy at all for either of you. You take all the power with the money and he will probably still carry on cheating but hide it better. Neither of you will be happy or have trust and respect. What’s the point?

millymollymoomoo · 07/03/2020 09:06

I don’t think it would matter that you own the house. You’re married, what you own goes into the pot for split. Plus it’s really shitty thing to do anyway To try to swindle him out of a share.
Look I’m not saying let him off the hook but what’s the state of your marriage honestly? You say you’ve not been intimate fir ages . Why not? I’m not condoning what he’s done but doesn’t sound like your marriage is in a great place anyway. I think you should honestly assess that before coming to conclusions on reconciliation- sounds like you only want to so you keep the financial trappings

2019user44 · 07/03/2020 09:08

Divorce lawyer here, signing the house to you Won’t work unless he signs a Post-nup. That is complicated because that would need to provide to meet his needs on divorce.

Russellbrandshair · 07/03/2020 09:09

Neither of you will be happy or have trust and respect. What’s the point

This is my point exactly. What a lot of running around and for what? A shitty relationship with no trust? What IS the point?

WoofAndWhiskers · 07/03/2020 09:17

I did a post nup (I since separated) and it helped me feel back in control. Eventually I wanted a don't ask don't tell relationship but ironically he was too jealous (he was the cheater originally) so we split. Before then, I have to say that having my own affairs was very healing. I also understood him more and how affairs work. I'm saying this so you have more options to consider than 'stay and put up with it' or 'leave'. I would think, if you don't look at the issues around intimacy in your marriage, he will cheat again but be better at it. As you know, using married dating sites means there is no link between partners - hard to find proof if you are careful

Georgia2001 · 07/03/2020 09:21

When there is no sex in the marriage either or both usually do go outside the marriage i don’t really see why people don’t realise this. If you are not having sex with your partner chances are they are having it elsewhere. Seems like your marriage was over before his carry ons. Just split 50 50 and have a happy life away from him x

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 09:22

Thank you all for your input .
Of course I’m worried about financials who wouldn’t be ? I’m not trying to swindle any one out of anything.

It’s very complicated - we are currently renting a property
We own a house which is just about to start major renovation
All of the equity we have from a previous house sale is in his name approx £300k . I have no access to this money and hope he hadn’t spent it now that I know all of this

I need to halt the renovation project which is messy as I do not want to be involved in more complications. This was going to be our dream house .

Btw
What’s app message was ‘nice thoughts about you naked caving ‘xxx

OP posts:
Adviceplease1234 · 07/03/2020 09:25

It sounds like you wanting the house is for revenge. What he has done is awful and I understand but is it going to bring you any happiness?

I think you are focusing a lot on the practicalities but you need to also consider how you truly feel about this.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this.

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 09:26

Thank you woof and whiskers

That is sound advice to make me feel
Back in control

I get the whole affairs thing and why they happen. I have accepted to that I had a part to play on our relationship . However having an affair whilst married crossed the line . It’s a cowardly act

  • but why go to a site specifically for married people ? It causes so much pain to their extended units
OP posts:
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