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Original poster

The big reveal on illicit affairs

96 replies

Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 07:50

Hi , I am totally new to forums and not very tech savvy so bear with me .

I had read other posts on here that gave me great advice and tips on his to confront and catch . God bless you all for being such an amazing community. I would have been on my own without reading your stories

Have just caught out husband of 25 yrs on this site ( he doesn’t know I know ) but have asked him if he has been seeing other people . He had finally admitted after my interrogation to that and said he had joined up on a web site for married people who are looking to meet up for coffee chats and possibly more . He admits to coffee , but no sex as yet . I however know different . I have seen his messages to one lady where he has been seeing here for at least 3 months , and they talk about kissing and ‘naked caving ‘ . What’s that ?
However he also has been meeting up with other ladies for chats and left a message saying still thinking about you !

He doesn’t know yet the full extent of my investigations which go beyond his as want to keep my powder dry.
Naturally in am devastated , but am having some me time in a nice hotel with a spa ( after all I deserve that ) and looking at cost of this web site subscription feel so justified in doing this . He will have to pay me back for this too

This has allowed me to think about my next move . I had to move out to clear my head as I had very dark thoughts on pay back and revenge .

So far I have done

Divorce- seen a solicitor already and it would be 50:50 split. We both work ft similar salaries etc
Closed the one joint accounts ( I only ever put my some saving here not him )
Cancelled credit card we share ( he had never put anything on it tbf

And considered other options
If we reconcile - Signing over the house to me we are both joint owners in deed ( we have no mortgage) and using a solicitor to do that . He would have to agree to this as sorry is to easy to say , I need financial stability . Can I do this ?
Counselling for him - the little rat face
And trying to rebuild our life whether we stay together or not ( we have a teen)

Any advice on this would be great . Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 19:30

I’ve signed up for IE but can’t find him on there . He says he had deactivated account . But it does show profiles of who
Logged on up to 5 days ago . I’m just keen to see the bs he put on .
I was bet clam when I asked him
To show me his accounts and told him that he had already told me the worst - so why still the secrecy
I told him that we still need to talk and by him acting like this he isn’t really contributing to resolving this . I do want to give him a chance but he is behaving like such a child - do I really need a man like this !

OP posts:

IkeaSlave · 08/03/2020 19:49

There might be so much he is hiding that he knows you would leave.
How did you know he was on ie but not his username? They freeze the account if you don't renew the subscription but to deactivate it you have to email and ask for it to be deleted. So his profile might still be there.

Jsku · 08/03/2020 20:31

It takes forever to make the profile dissapear, even after cancelling the subscription.
They keep it up for a while.
It’s still there somewhere.

Julianne123 · 08/03/2020 20:42

Why don't you just go? Leave him. It's never going to get any better. If he's done it once and you forgive him it shows him he's allowed to do it again. Have some self respect and leave his sorry ass. Sorry to be blunt but I don't get why it's such a hard decision to make.

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 20:47

I am with you here . I just want to walk away and say that he had EVERY opportunity to come clean so that when my ds ever asks I can tell him . Sometimes we have to be just hurt that one bit more to make that final decision. He is a marked man now .
Such a coward and a big manipulator . He even offered to pay for my coffee today - does he think that is enough to give him a bj too ?

OP posts:

YogaLite · 08/03/2020 21:32

Whilst I understand you want to know what/where, it's the future that counts.

I would be inclined to try and get out of him a little of why he did it and get his view whether he is prepared to rescue the marriage.

I agree with pp insights about the reasons why people are on IE, they are not there to leave their marriage so it almost certainly wasn't his intention.

Toria70 · 08/03/2020 21:41

A former friend of mine was on IE. I was horrified when she confided in why she had a babysitter twice a week when her DH was on nights...... she was leaving her small DC at home, and meeting men in local car parks/rural beauty spots. Not one of them was prepared to shell out for a hotel room........... The danger she was putting herself in was nothing compared to the thrill she got from it.

It really was purely about sex - not one man on there wanted a relationship or to meet for coffee, I can promise you. I was dumbfounded when she showed me the messages she got from men. I'm going to be honest and say it was truly grim. I was so shocked and disturbed by it that I backed off from her completely.

IkeaSlave · 08/03/2020 21:57

Was that ie ... or ashley madison? Or even fabswingers, from the sounds of it.

IE isn't usually like that, although to be fair I am sure there are men on there, like anywhere, who would do that, but there are so many you just filter them out. There's a high proportion of high income high status men on there. I never had that experience or spoke to anyone in any depth who wanted that. None were looking to leave - that's why the site is useful - but a lot were lonely. Some were just selfish dicks with no marriage problems. Most of them loved their wives and wanted to stay married. I read this article a while ago, it seemed a fair representation

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2015/aug/25/photos-married-men-dating-websites-ashley-madison-natasha-caruana

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 22:31

It’s illicit encounters . I’ve just joined to see for myself . Fricking hell I get a response within 1 min and now have at least 24 requests for meet ups

Of course no intentions with meeting up with these guys .

OP posts:

YogaLite · 08/03/2020 23:00

Yes, apparently men outnumber women on that site. There was another article about it a couple of years ago in the Sunday paper.

Toria70 · 08/03/2020 23:01

If he's on one site, OP, chances are he's on others too.

I'd want to see his phone or laptop.

Jsku · 08/03/2020 23:40

Yes - as a new profile you will get a lot of messages. There are a lot of men looking for more sex than they get in their marriages.
The experience in carparks described above seems totally different from anything I experienced on IE.
That woman must have wanted that sort of experience.
Many IE men are professional and use DayUse a lot. Or just regular hotels in the evenings.

Jsku · 08/03/2020 23:40

And he is unlikely to be on many different websites. It’s harder to manage and to hide. And requires a lot of time.

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 09/03/2020 03:32

Wow I never heard of day use before . I thought I saw a credit card type thing in his wallet that said this ? I thought it was for vending machine at work ! I might be mistaken it could be something else

OP posts:

IkeaSlave · 09/03/2020 06:43

Men outnumber women on all sites. It's a woman's world in the world of affairs. I also highly doubt he is on more sites. It takes a lot of work, or good luck, to arrange meets for men. As you can see, op, you get a lot of messages and choice.
Dayuse hotels are normal hotels eg radisson, marriott, village hotels but booked on a day rate 9-5 or similar. You can pay cash if you take id. To be honest, if he was any good at this there would be very little evidence to find, but it sounds like his credit cards hold secrets.

YogaLite · 09/03/2020 09:35

OP, I would be inclined to try and get out of him whether he sees your future together or wants to throw it all away.
Whilst u are obviously hurt, maybe you don't need to know all the details, but rise above it all and still stay together if he is prepared to work on it too.

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 10/03/2020 08:09

We have pulled the plug on renovations at the moment , as we are renting another property. What an absolute mess and waste of money !

I have asked him to continue our conversations as he is not talking about next steps either to stay or go and not engaging . It’s head in sand.

I am struggling to see why I must be the one to baby sit and try and extract his emotions and plans .

I’m not even bothering about bank statements now to find out about his financial infidelity . His absence to help put my mind at rest , leads me to think he had been up to so much more .

Am I the only grown up here ?

OP posts:

namechangedforthis1122 · 10/03/2020 08:50

You are handling this so well.

He is ashamed and rightly so. But you deserve answers and for him to cooperate.

Original poster

Brainengaged1 · 10/03/2020 09:08

@namechangedforthis1122
Thank you for your response - I think I’m almost too calm, trying to keep the pretence up at work , home and extended family .
I pray daily for God to give me strength to get through each day, and for his guidance in dealing with each bit of new information I get.

OP posts:

fastliving · 10/03/2020 23:23

I could get your half of the £300k now.
He can easily swindle you out of every penny of that money - I've seen it before.
Once he k own that you know it will be war and the gloves will be off.

Golferwidow · 23/06/2020 16:22

This is very similar to my current situation but I have not actually seen any messages or interactions. I did find some items hidden which I thought he had bought for us to spice things up but then when I went to look they were gone. This then sparked a frantic search of everything I could lay my hands on both technology wise and around the house car etc. I know my husband has been on dating sites, live cam sites, (found logger and web history on his phone) and chat room, I’ve also seen other odd things but I’m too highly strung to have the patience to wait properly!!! I could slap myself sometimes, I’ve called him out on everything as soon as I’ve seen it, and he just point blank denies even with Screen shot proof

Literally I am broken because without full on proof of actual infidelity I will be throwing a 25year old marriage into the bin.

There are debts that I didn’t know of though which he will not explain fully how they came around.

He used to work away a lot but now he doesn’t ... I think I just know.

My situation is one where I still have a child living at home, I cannot afford to leave until they are settled, I actually love my husband with all my heart too which is a real tough one. I wish I could just up and go but the time isn’t ideal

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