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Original poster

The big reveal on illicit affairs

96 replies

Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 07:50

Hi , I am totally new to forums and not very tech savvy so bear with me .

I had read other posts on here that gave me great advice and tips on his to confront and catch . God bless you all for being such an amazing community. I would have been on my own without reading your stories

Have just caught out husband of 25 yrs on this site ( he doesn’t know I know ) but have asked him if he has been seeing other people . He had finally admitted after my interrogation to that and said he had joined up on a web site for married people who are looking to meet up for coffee chats and possibly more . He admits to coffee , but no sex as yet . I however know different . I have seen his messages to one lady where he has been seeing here for at least 3 months , and they talk about kissing and ‘naked caving ‘ . What’s that ?
However he also has been meeting up with other ladies for chats and left a message saying still thinking about you !

He doesn’t know yet the full extent of my investigations which go beyond his as want to keep my powder dry.
Naturally in am devastated , but am having some me time in a nice hotel with a spa ( after all I deserve that ) and looking at cost of this web site subscription feel so justified in doing this . He will have to pay me back for this too

This has allowed me to think about my next move . I had to move out to clear my head as I had very dark thoughts on pay back and revenge .

So far I have done

Divorce- seen a solicitor already and it would be 50:50 split. We both work ft similar salaries etc
Closed the one joint accounts ( I only ever put my some saving here not him )
Cancelled credit card we share ( he had never put anything on it tbf

And considered other options
If we reconcile - Signing over the house to me we are both joint owners in deed ( we have no mortgage) and using a solicitor to do that . He would have to agree to this as sorry is to easy to say , I need financial stability . Can I do this ?
Counselling for him - the little rat face
And trying to rebuild our life whether we stay together or not ( we have a teen)

Any advice on this would be great . Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 07:07

Thank you all out there for helping me through this and being a good sound board

I haven’t told any one yet what’s going on in my world ( part from cab and solicitor)

If I tell my family it’s just a lot of noise which isn’t useful nor balanced , and I just needed me time to be on my own and this and think through all options and next steps

Naturally when the time comes I will let them know but right now nothing to be gained from telling them .

I’m just dreading the conversation today and am sure he is as well . International women’s day - what perfect blinking timing !

OP posts:
Weenurse · 08/03/2020 07:13

Good luck 💐

IkeaSlave · 08/03/2020 07:15

Good luck today

No life changing decisions have to be made straight away. You do what feels right for you, and you can change your mind at any time

Jsku · 08/03/2020 07:59

If it helps at all - it very unlikely he had an emotional connection to any of the women on that website. People tend to meet a couple of times and then meet for sex. It’s not a dating site, and essentially people are there to have sex. And men tend to communicate in the way they think women want them to - in order to get there fast.
So - whatever messages you saw aren’t a real emotional connection on his side - it’s just that he played his side of the game.

The pattern that you described fits perfectly. He started seeing someone on there and after a while blocked her. It happens often as some women there either develop a bit of attachment, or become demanding on the man’s time and men break it off.
Then a little break and moving on onto the next woman.

Good luck today, whichever way you want it to go.

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 08:12

@Jsku
That’s absolutely spot on . I could tell from
Her messages that she was getting clingy and that’s why she was dropped . She started to imagine a life with him , and he thought fuck this I got a bunny boiler in the making
His messages to others were more to the point - the subscription is expensive so pressure is on to close a deal quickly - time is money

OP posts:
Jsku · 08/03/2020 08:22

Most men on that website are just there for sex. They have no intention to leave their marriages. And no real desire for an emotional connection. They already have that at home.
Women generally say they want some excitement and being wanted. Most, seem to be in marriages where they are ignored at best.
So you see - when unhappy women meet someone that shows them attention - it’s easy to see why they can develop some attachment. It’s not really real - it’s out of desperation. So - men just move on.

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 09:03

On way to meet up with him
Now - will post later

OP posts:
namechangedforthis1122 · 08/03/2020 10:12

Good luck OP! Thinking of you

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 15:20

What a conversation . He admitted everything to meeting up and getting oral sex of ow ( am I even Writing this ?)

We have not decided anything except that we do not make any decisions apart from not telling DS about it ( about to do GCSE) and that we put a hold on doing the house .
We will talk again in a few days . However I still feel it’s me leading all the conversation as he has just clammed you ( very embarrassed) I’ll give him a few more days to open up and then approach conversation again.
We are not fighting or shouting and can still eat at the same table . I am still so let down by him and so disappointed in his behaviour

I think our ds knows something is up as he encouraged us to spend time with each other . So sad .

The next conversation will be about how we proceed as a couple . I still want him to be happy and don’t want him to feel trapped . I need to set him free . He will soon realise that he will get so much less from someone else than me and actually I feel like

Now looking at other men

OP posts:
Jsku · 08/03/2020 15:43

You sound strong. It’s a good thing.

As to you H - I think he is still trying to protect himself. There is absolutely no way he only got bjs from a woman on IE. What was in it for her then? Why would she become clingy and wanted to have more. Of what - giving him bjs?

Jsku · 08/03/2020 15:59

Did he ever say why he stopped having sex with you?
Any talk about the future can’t avoid that issue. He went looking for sex and there was a reason why. That reason hasn’t disappeared.

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 16:11

I will definitely Have that conversation with him . Why we stopped . Perhaps I wasn’t always receptive / I had bad back and mild rheumatoid issues etc - however if he had given me signals I would have been receptive . I did try to make life more relaxing and set the scene but he would only complain about why have you got candles on / incense on . I just put it down to him
Becoming a grumpy old man .

OP posts:
Jsku · 08/03/2020 16:11

As to looking at other men - why the hell not.
Only fair
Sign up to IE. It’s free for women. You’ll get tens of emails daily off desperate men.
Or try Bumble.

You don’t need to act on anything there. But it’ll give a little boost to self esteem.

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 16:14

He is on ie I couldn’t bear to see his profile !
I wouldn’t even know how to set up an account ! I’d be too embarrassed .

I am though feeling stronger on myself and know that I’m not princess Fiona from shrek .

When time is right I will get someone who deserves my love and kindness

OP posts:
Jsku · 08/03/2020 16:14

I guess the issue here what YOU really want.
By your posts it seems that you’d rather the marriage went on.
Do you want to have sex with him again? Actually want it, and not to just do it for him so that he doesn’t go looking for it elsewhere.
If yes - then it’s one path.
If no - you can still stay together and just not bother with sex yourself, and let him have a little freedom on the side.

IkeaSlave · 08/03/2020 16:17

Trickle truthing is when they slowly tell you, bit by bit, the reality of what happened. I also doubt it was just a bj. If you do have an affair (IE is a good site) then it might help you get perspective on what it both did and didn't mean to your partner. It's another nail in the coffin in your current relationship though, which you might choose to salvage, so worth taking your time. Worth taking your time over all of this. You are probably in shock. It took me about three years (!yes I know!) before I started to feel I was ready to process it.

Jsku · 08/03/2020 16:18

IE profiles don’t have pictures, just avatars, and word descriptions.
And easy to set up - no more difficult than to do online shopping. Just need an email address and fill out a few paragraphs about yourself.

What he wrote on his profile is actually relevant. I’d definitely look at it. See if he is moaning about his home situation, etc. See what he said he was looking for.

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 16:23

@Jsku
Am sure she was getting more - lots of attention which she wasn’t getting from her Dh. My Dh was very charming and clearly she fell for his forked tongue . I will def approach sex issue with him - he says it more about intimacy and feeling loved .

Why couldn’t he give this to me . Idiot selfish man . Mat be he lost attraction for me ?

However that hasn’t dented my confidence . I am still glam and today I took more care with make up and my appearance . He turned up in old track suit bottoms and looked unwashed - he is normally suited and booted .
Am tempted to put some prep H on his pants so he thinks he got an STD .

OP posts:
Jsku · 08/03/2020 16:27

It is about intimacy and being desired.
So - any grown woman would want to actually be desired.
Giving just a bj with nothing back physically would make a woman feel used, not wanted.

Jsku · 08/03/2020 16:29

It’s interesting that even since Clinton - I did not have sex with that woman - considering oral sex as smth still happens.
He is just covering his tracks.

Btw - if you want - I can check out his profile for you. IE doesn’t really delete female profiles and they stay around for ages - they want to be able to say they have tons.

Jsku · 08/03/2020 16:30

‘Something less than sex’

IkeaSlave · 08/03/2020 17:10

Have you read Esther Perel? She writes about how hard it is to maintain desire and intimacy in long term relationships and how the thrill can be from the chance to re-invent yourself. New people take you at face value, how you choose to present yourself. It can be a temptation.
I'm sorry you are going through all this. A few years down the line I am afraid I am too cynical about monogamy and 'forever'. Perel is good though as she still believes, and writes a lot about how to keep the spark. Not useful now - his affair and remorse are the focus - but if you did want to read more, The State of Affairs might be a place to start

Beware hysterical bonding btw. I had no clue what was going on. After a few weeks, dh and I were having rampant sex. It lasted about 6 months. I really disliked it on one level - my body and mind were so conflicted. Now I know its a thing.

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 17:38

I agree and thanks for your offers to help . I am thinking about signing up as just curious to see what bs he had written .

OP posts:
Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 18:11

Can you believe he was all sweetness and light until I asked him to see his bank accounts on line . He has gone off in a huff upstairs and had the cheek to say he would pay me back subscriptions for IE!
He said what would I expect to see from this ? I said if he was being honest about how long it was going on ( it doesn’t really matter tbf) but I just need to understand the scale .
Based on his response he is leaving me no choice but to go to mediation .

OP posts:
Jsku · 08/03/2020 18:21

It probably means he is hiding more - some expenses on hotels, for eg.
Did you tell him that If there is any hope for moving on from this - he’ll need to be fully transparent ?