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Original poster

The big reveal on illicit affairs

96 replies

Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 07:50

Hi , I am totally new to forums and not very tech savvy so bear with me .

I had read other posts on here that gave me great advice and tips on his to confront and catch . God bless you all for being such an amazing community. I would have been on my own without reading your stories

Have just caught out husband of 25 yrs on this site ( he doesn’t know I know ) but have asked him if he has been seeing other people . He had finally admitted after my interrogation to that and said he had joined up on a web site for married people who are looking to meet up for coffee chats and possibly more . He admits to coffee , but no sex as yet . I however know different . I have seen his messages to one lady where he has been seeing here for at least 3 months , and they talk about kissing and ‘naked caving ‘ . What’s that ?
However he also has been meeting up with other ladies for chats and left a message saying still thinking about you !

He doesn’t know yet the full extent of my investigations which go beyond his as want to keep my powder dry.
Naturally in am devastated , but am having some me time in a nice hotel with a spa ( after all I deserve that ) and looking at cost of this web site subscription feel so justified in doing this . He will have to pay me back for this too

This has allowed me to think about my next move . I had to move out to clear my head as I had very dark thoughts on pay back and revenge .

So far I have done

Divorce- seen a solicitor already and it would be 50:50 split. We both work ft similar salaries etc
Closed the one joint accounts ( I only ever put my some saving here not him )
Cancelled credit card we share ( he had never put anything on it tbf

And considered other options
If we reconcile - Signing over the house to me we are both joint owners in deed ( we have no mortgage) and using a solicitor to do that . He would have to agree to this as sorry is to easy to say , I need financial stability . Can I do this ?
Counselling for him - the little rat face
And trying to rebuild our life whether we stay together or not ( we have a teen)

Any advice on this would be great . Thank you

OP posts:
WoofAndWhiskers · 07/03/2020 09:27

Ok so after your update I would tell him that the money needs to go in your name for trust to be rebuilt. While he still feels guilty. You can decide where to take things after that.

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 09:28

Woof and whiskers
That exactly what I was thinking . You have great insight

OP posts:
WoofAndWhiskers · 07/03/2020 09:31

I can also offer insight about married dating sites. There are lots of different reasons but I would say the men are looking to have cake/eat it - they don't want to leave their marriages! There are a lot of people with dead bedrooms who are otherwise happy, and those sites help people connect sexually with others in an attempt to stay in their marriages.
Those are definitely not the only reasons! Some men have perfectly happy marriages with plenty of sex but just like variety.

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 09:34

Revenge never

Trust me I could have done far more therapeutic and instantly rewarding things to teach him a lesson he would never forget

OP posts:
PhoneLock · 07/03/2020 09:35

- but why go to a site specifically for married people ? It causes so much pain to their extended units

Presumably, because all parties have an interest in not being found out... so reducing risk of pain.

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 09:36

He is in first category .
I get why it happens / it’s just crossing the line when the other parties isn’t told about this need . It duplicitous

OP posts:
emilybrontescorsett · 07/03/2020 09:36

Don't kid yourself that he is meeting other women just for a chat and coffee, he is having sex with other women.
Don't be fooled into thinking that all these women want are a bit on the side either.
Many of them will be looking for a long term partner/husband.
Your dh will be seen as a good catch as he is financially secure and they can test out if he is also a good shag.
Sorry to be blunt but the reality is he will probably leave you if he finds a better option.
Don't forget these women will be looking glam, having sex with him, making him feel good etc etc.
Personally I would end your marriage before he does.

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 09:40

I know they seen him a a good catch.
I got evidence of meetings, photos emails the lot so am under no illusions here , of course they want to bag him and shag him

They will want to have an affair with him if they are married and then be drawn into an emotional and then sexual affair and then leave their husband , et voila he ends up with another version of me ( eventually )

OP posts:
emilybrontescorsett · 07/03/2020 09:50

Also not all the people on this site will be married.
I know of a single man who frequent these sites as he gets plenty of sex and is hoping to meet a long term partner.
Not everyone has the same moral standards. 😡

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 09:57

You are right some are high escort ladies and yes sex is always up there .

OP posts:
Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 10:59

I have to go back home tomorrow and we can continue our discussions . I know I have to be focused as I am tired of crying now .
When I left a few days ago he said - you don’t have to go , I can go instead ?

I interpreted this as so I get to look after the family and being in a horrible rented house and you have luxury of being Freetown say in a nice hotel for kisses and whatever naked caving is ?

OP posts:
namechangedforthis1122 · 07/03/2020 15:08

Shall we start a new thread to see if anyone knows what naked caving is?

Unless it was auto correct. Or she has actually been in a cave naked Hmm

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 15:28

I even looked up naked caving and it shows people in America climbing up caves with harnesses naked - looks very uncomfortable

OP posts:
namechangedforthis1122 · 07/03/2020 18:11

Maybe she done something like that and he was saying he was thinking about it 🤷🏼‍♀️
What the fuck

I looked it up on urban dictionary and still nothing.

Megthehen · 07/03/2020 18:22

Feel so sorry for you. Same here for me...an emotional affair disclosed because he was in love and in detective mode discovered evidence of meet ups for coffee and lunch and signed up to married affairs so actively seeking other women for years and years and he turned on me like fucking satan..called me a whore. Planning my exit for ages. Hope you find some peace of mind and that your kids are ok

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 18:30

He told me that one of his ‘friends’ was 60 yrs old . She obviously had a great head for heights if that’s the case

I’m only 50 !!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 18:31

Megthehen - sorry to hear this happened to you as well . How did you sort it all out ?

OP posts:
namechangedforthis1122 · 07/03/2020 18:50

@Brainengaged1 really feel for you. I hope i you can sort it out Thanks

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 18:55

@namechangedforthis1122
Thank you . I know I can get through this , it’s just so low that this could happen to me after such a long time .

OP posts:
Jsku · 07/03/2020 23:38

OP - I have been on those sites when I was trying to hang on in my dead marriage and waited for the right time to make a move.
I have spoken with a lot of men and met a few.
Why married people go there - because it’s safest. Most married people only have a little bit of time to carry on a parallel life. A single FWB or an affair partner - will demand more time than a married person can give.
Two main categories are:

  • men who don’t want to divorce but have no sex in the marriage.
  • men who like variety and have opportunity - say travel for work
You say there hasn’t been sex for a long time. And you also said you wish he’d told you he had needs not met in the marriage. I am sorry - but unless he had ED - you knew he had the need. And he most likely told you. And of course he as not gong to tell you he is going somewhere to meet that need. He just needed sex, not to replace you with another woman.

Now, about the women on those sites. Few also have no sex in their marriages. Some are bored. Some have very controlling / abusive husbands but the women don’t feel ready or able to leave.
So what they are looking for is NOT to marry your husband. They mostly are looking for some human interaction. For someone to be nice to them. To feel wanted.

Naked caving in that message seems to me like a pet name of sorts, or a reference to something he said.

It’s up to you to decide what you want to do. If you think there is something still there between you - you would need a lot of joint counselling. And you will need to solve the sex issue. He clearly needs sex and its unfair for one partner to decide that the couple’s sex life is over.

If you stay married - him signing half of the house to you will not do anything. Should you divorce - it’s all marital assets anyway.

TheRoqueforteFiles · 08/03/2020 02:25

Caving as a verb can mean performing oral sex on a woman. Would this fit the context of the conversation ?

Lynda07 · 08/03/2020 02:55

It sounds as though you have been very sensible so far. You are right to consider divorce because you cannot trust your husband not to go elsewhere - it looks as though he has only chatted online so far. I understand what you say about him generally being a good person and 24 years is a long time to be with someone so it is bound tohurt.

Couples counselling might help you if you are both prepared to be totally frank. On the other hand you may decide to part but be amicable. Make sure you hang on to your home.

Good luck.

Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 05:01

He had met up with these people in person . One he had been seeing for a number of months . I think this was one he had emotional then sexual connection with . Then he ghosted gets for a while and then met up with others - not sure if he had sex with them

I’m so anxious about meeting up with him today .

OP posts:
Original poster
Brainengaged1 · 08/03/2020 05:03

We are I just about the start a major house project on our family home . Should I stop this until I have made up my mind .

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 08/03/2020 06:51

Yes I think it would be a good idea to stop it or at least postpone the building work for now.

I get that your husband met up with someone for coffee.

Hope all goes well today, will be thinking of you.

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