Is 40 (me) and 46 (him) too old to have another baby?

[Toooldhmm]

We have a DC already and I wonder if we’re too old now for another...

Anyone done this with mother in 40s and father in mid-to-late 40s?

I’m mostly thinking of health risks. We’re both really “young” for our ages.

We had a surprise last child when I was 42 & DH 47. Straightforward pregnancy and birth. He is now 4 and is an utter delight and we are really enjoying the time with him. Shattered all the time but that's due in no small part to the other 3 😂.

I think much depends where you are, too. In SE, no one bats an eyelid. In the northeast, where I'm from originally, I always feel much older. Although that was the case when I had my first in my early 30s.

It’s not a popular opinion I’m sure but I feel very sorry for the teenagers who have parents that are nearing their 60’s.

I've just had a baby and I'll be 40 in a couple of months. Nothing wrong with your age in my opinion obviously.

The difference I suppose is that my DH is 36 rather than 46. I do think being 56/57 with a 10 year old is quite old really. I'm struggling a bit that I'll be over 50 when my daughter starts high school, knocking on for 60 and I wouldn't really like it.

@somewheresorted Thing is, we don't all meet Mr/Mrs Right in our 20's or early 30's.

I had two children with my ex-husband when I was 26 and 29. Although of course I don't for one second regret having them, I do regret choosing him as their dad. He was a very cruel man - I left him when the kids were 3 and 6 and courts went 50:50. Life hasn't been easy for them. You learn from your mistakes.

I'm now 39 and 26 weeks' pregnant with my fiancé who is 44. He always wanted a child of his own but for many reasons it didn't happen.

This little girl will be raised in a much more stable and happy environment than sadly her brothers were able to benefit from.

It's not all about age as a negative.

I didn't meet dh until I was 38, so we had no choice but to start our family in our 40s.
I was 41, and he was 42 when our DD was born. Easy pregnancy, and she's a gorgeous girl.
I'm now 44 and he's 45 and I'm 28 weeks pregnant with DD2. A bit more tired this time, but that's because DD1 is still a rubbish sleeper!
I wouldn't change a thing. We're both fit and healthy, financially stable and I certainly have a lot more patience than when I was younger.

People do it
I wouldn’t want to

Obviously with infertility issues its difficult but have to go against the grain of "do whatever makes you happy".

I do think you have to think about the child. I dont think 40/41 is necessarily too old, but 46/47 is (in my view). Being 62/63 when your DC is 16 will be tough for a DC. I think mumsnet is full of older mums saying its fine, usually with little ones, not so many older mums of tennagers/young adults in their 20s saying its been a doddle. Chances are, when DC comes to have their own family in their 30s, they'll also have parents in their late 70s/80s that may need looking after.

What teddy said. ‘I want!!’ really isn’t a good enough reason to force a person into existence in this day and age, 240,000 more (net) are born every day, and the planet is dying, and going to get much much worse in imminent decades. Each new consumer will suffer that, and make it worse. How will you having another kid benefit your existing kids lives? ‘having a sibling!’ is not a benefit, the choice to force someone into existence oil do be solely for the parents self indulgence and ‘urge’ or whatever, you need to think solely of how it would benefit the potential new kid, and your existing kids, that’s what matters.

46 in particular feels old to me, as your DH will be near 65 when they are 18. Sorry to be grim but I would be concerned about them losing a parent in their early 20s, a really young age.

Health concerns would put me off too, I’m nearly 40 now and wouldn’t have another for that reason.

Think more about your later life and beginning of retirement. Having another child now is going to delay your chances of travelling/working less until they have finished education. My DS will be 18 when I’m 51 so will have more flexibility then. If you conceive now, you’d be at the end of only primary school at that age.

I don’t think it’s ‘too old’, and I have several friends who’ve happily had DC in their 40s...it’s more whether you and your DH want to do it all again - babes, toddlers, school run, teens in your 50s/60s etc.

I’m 42 and have never really stopped being broody. But I’ve always known that the sensible thing for me was to stop at two. My DC are 15 and 12 now and I really, really don’t think I could go back to the physical donkey work and lack of personal space, freedom etc of very young children. Equally I can’t imagine having teens in my mid-late 50s. But you may be excited by the idea? Different strokes...

Not too old.

However, I think you are right to be medically cautious. I had 2 healthy pregnancies in my 30s. From 40 to 42 I've had a miscarriage, then termination due to severe chromosomal abnormalities, then likely chemical pregnancy, then a missed miscarriage with a massive bleed. It's shit, has taken an emotional and physical toll, and we are not going to try again.

I would say, set yourself a tight time limit, and only do it if you are emotionally ready for it not to work out. I knew the miscarriage rate is higher in your 40s, but I didn't know it was 50% at 42!

Good luck.

It’s not too old for you at all. In my circles 40 is a totally normal non eyelid batting time to have a baby especially if it’s not a first baby. If you only find a partner at 36/37 and want a couple of children you’ll easily be 40. 46 is a bit older but o think it’s also fine. My boss had her first at 42 and another friend is pregnant with her first at 43. Loads of others had 3rds at 40, it was so normal it didn’t even raise a comment.

I was 42 and he was 40 when we had our daughter. I’m a young 62 and take offence at comments such as the one from someheresorted who feels sorry for teens with parents approaching their 60s. DD has told me numerous times how proud she is of me and how I look younger and have a younger attitude than some of her friends’ parents who had their children in their 20s/30s. We like the same music, she tells me everything and loves to hear stories about my misspent youth (I carried on raving into my 40s).

I know she might lose her parents at a younger age but there are no guarantees. Her boyfriend lost his mum when he was 8 years old🙁 I feel I’ve got her to the stage where she can stand on her own two feet. She’s doing well at uni and although I’m not wealthy, have a valuable home to pass on to her and taught her how to handle her finances. You’re not too old OP and I wish you luck.

You'll always get people on here that will tell you they / their friends had babies in their 40s, but only you know what is right for you .
I had ds at 38 so not a young mum at all and personally I found the toddler years really hard and would probably never do it again even if I'd been 10 years younger!

We were late 30s when we had ours and glad we didn't wait any longer. I'm pretty sure I was the oldest mum in the primary school year and while it's fine now (DH and I early 50s, both still working, DCs mid teens, parents elderly but no care needs yet) I can see it being tough as our parents age and the teens get older. Both our sets of parents have been very hands on but if we'd had the DCs 5 years later would have found that much harder. I also worry a little that if our DCs also have children in their mid 30s or beyond then we may be past our best potential grandparenting years or worse still becoming a burden to them.

Some of these responses are unbearably smug. Good for you if you managed to have five kids by the time you were 24 and you're planning to be done by the time you're 25. I didn't meet my DH until my late twenties and then suffered fertility problems which have meant I couldn't conceive until they were discovered (so I wasted a lot of time in my earlier 30s when I had no hope of getting pregnant and I didn't know).

As for those of you who don't know anyone who has had kids in their 40s despite your wide social circles and working networks. You really don't have those, you live in a very, very tiny insular world.

OP, only you can know what is right for you, yes there is a risk of higher miscarriage etc and you have to prepare yourself for that but you won't know unless you try but there are plenty of men and women who are younger who couldn't do it, your age is not the barrier to being emotionally ready.

I don’t think people are necessarily being smug.

I think if OP had only just found a good partner and was asking whether she should go for a much wanted first baby at 40, the answers might be different.

But she already has DC. She’s not asking that. She’s weighing up whether or not they should start again in their 40s.

When I’m 46 my DC will be 27, 22 and 19 (I’m 36 now) and thought of having a baby then gives me the shivers, it does now even!

I know plenty of people who do have them later on though, the health risks is something to consider though, as is the physical side of it and being fit enough to run around after a toddler when you’re pushing 50. Also the sleepless nights don’t stop when they’re babies, one of my DC is autistic and at 10 still wakes at ungodly hours, so factor in how you’d cope at 56 with sleepless nights still.

Only you two can make that decision though, do what’s right for you.

Not sure if the people I hang around with are odd - I’ve had 2 friends have their 3rd and 4th child (respectively) last year. One is 41 and the other is 42. Their eldest children are 9 and 8 - oh actually yes one more person I know a friend of a friend she has 2 daughters who are aged 10 and 8 and now has 2 sons aged 3 and a baby born about 2-3 months ago! She’s 42!

I seem to know a few then lol

I absolutely wouldn't past 35, personally.
I do know men in their 50s having babies..... Totally up to you though init. I just think I wouldn't be around for grandchildren, I'd be parenting young children my entire life. Ergh.

I’m with @SheChoseDown

Everyone will be different but, I think it’s too old

My mother had me (final baby) when she was 39 and my father was 45. I'm 50 and (obviously) she's nearly 90 and still absolutely fine, and has always said that having me later than was maybe the norm in 1969 kept her young. My father died two years ago at 93.

I would go for it. My best friend had her first and only child at 44 and is a wonderful mother.

If it’s what you want, I would go for it - but now, not in a year’s time. Things can change quickly.

I know lots of people who have had happy, healthy babies in their forties - one friend had her first at 42 and second at 44. Another friend’s husband was 49 when they completed their family.

I was keen to complete my own family by 40, and I’ve been lucky enough to be able to do that. This is because my mum had a late stillbirth at 42 and a miscarriage at 43, so things can change quite quickly.

No-one is being smug. People are just sharing their experiences.

Sister was 42 and husband 57 daughter is now 9 and they are perfectly happy