Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How would you feel if your friend backed out of being your bridesmaid?

101 replies

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 21/02/2020 11:08

One of my closest, longest friends has asked me to be a bridesmaid when she gets married in 3 months, I said yes (I didn’t really know what else to say!)

I have atrocious self esteem, I’m 8 stone overweight (have lost 8 stone but I’m now still fat but also saggy and wobbly...) and am absolutely dreading standing up there infront of 100 guests next to the 3 other bridesmaids who are all beautiful and will look amazing. I could, and have, cry, at the thought of standing up there.

She has said we can choose the style of dress but she wants the colour to be champagne. I’m v pale and red faced, champagne looks awful on me. I’ve bought and tried 9 dresses and they all look awful. This isn’t just my self esteem talking either, I have 2 lovely friends who have kindly suggested we find a different dress each time!

If I bow out then I worry about how it will affect our friendship and the groomsmen/bridesmaids will be unbalanced in pictures.

I love her and I would love to be a part of her day but this is stressing me out beyond anything else right now, I don’t want to do it but what would you think if your bridesmaid said this to you?

OP posts:
rainbowlou · 21/02/2020 11:12

If you were my friend I wouldn’t want you to do anything that made you feel like that, but I’d ask If you wanted to be involved in another way e.g sign as a witness etc Flowers

FloraGreysteel · 21/02/2020 11:12

Tell her exactly what you've said here. If she's any sort of friend she will understand. Also, well done on losing the 8 stones! I do feel for you, it must be wretched Thanks

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/02/2020 11:13

I get married in three months. I have two bridesmaids but I asked them, it was an invite; they don’t have to. If they weren’t enjoying the idea, I’d hope they’d tell me and we’d find another way for them to be involved, or they could just attend as a guest. I want them to be happy, first and foremost!

I’d be pleased they had told me.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
HopeYouStepOnALego · 21/02/2020 11:20

Well she sounds like a good friend OP. I've heard of bridezillas who only want 'model type' bridesmaids for the pictures. She obviously accepts you for who you are, so if you have a quiet chat with her and explain what you have here about your self esteem, then hopefully she will understand and will not want to put you in a position that will cause you discomfort on her big day. You can still offer your help with preparing on the day/helping her get ready/organising the hen if you like.

Well done to you on your 8st weight loss. That's a remarkable achievement Flowers.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/02/2020 11:26

Tell her what you've posted,do it sooner rather than later. I'd rather that than have a friend who was unhappy. Good luck.

Thescrewinthetuna · 21/02/2020 11:28

If you were my friend I would just love for you to be at the wedding feeling comfortable and happy, please speak to your friend.

Pilot12 · 21/02/2020 11:29

I would completely understand, it's not something that every adult woman would enjoy. I'd be happy for you just to come as a guest if that's what you want. I'd rather you said now before I paid for your dress etc though.

MetallicPaints · 21/02/2020 11:34

I've been the overweight bridesmaid, I felt uncomfortable all day and was really worried about getting hot and sweaty in my chiffon outfitBlush To be honest it was a relief to get back in my comfy clothes and drive home. I did it for my friend but I didn't enjoy it. If your friend is a true friend she should be understanding. Would she let you choose something in the right colour but you felt more comfortable in, a two piece suit maybe? Good luck OP its a very difficult position to be in.

Original poster
IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 21/02/2020 11:36

Thank you all x

I’ve known her for 18 years, she is one of my best friends and I hers, I feel like I should be really excited about it, there’s a bridesmaids group chat and they’re all talking about their dresses and how exciting it is and posting pictures of themselves in the dresses and I just feel sick. The thought of standing up there and the thought of being in the pictures forever is awful.

When I mentioned the difference in body shapes between them and me she said “wear what you feel comfortable in as long as it’s the right colour you can wear whatever dress you want” which I appreciate but it’s not just the colour of dress it’s everything.

I want to be excited for her and I just can’t be whilst I’m selfishly feeling this way, I want to be with her on her day, when she’s getting ready and everything but then I want to sit in the pews!

Her other best friend is maid of honour and has already bollocked me for not getting into the dress chatting on the group chat. She’s going to be furious at me after this

OP posts:
Allthebubbles · 21/02/2020 11:37

I really feel for you. Champagne is a hard hard colour for most people, I would look dire in it too. Well done on your weight loss, and good luck with the rest. I've been the size 18 bridesmaid with 4 size 8s and 1 size 12, but the dresses were jade green which suited us all,
I think if you were my friend I'd hate you to be feeling so self conscious but I would also hate you to feel left out by not asking you. But if you were my good friend I'd also like your support and involvement, maybe you could suggest some half way house where you get ready with them, but don't be a bridesmaid. Could you offer to do a reading or would that also be too much pressure.
Good luck finding a solution.
I'd be honest, and say while you know the day isn't about you, you'd be much happier supporting her as a guest.

jellybeanteaparty · 21/02/2020 11:37

As other posters have suggested talk to her about it. Is there another role you could offer like doing a reading in the service or a speech at the reception or if you don't want to be in the public eye the person with a bag of stuff/make up/painkillers nearby to help with any hic ups.

TomeOfSomething · 21/02/2020 11:38

what body shape are you? surely someone in style and beauty can help you find an great outfit for you

What celebrities have the same body shape as you?

Can you afford good underwear?

KatyaZamolodchikova · 21/02/2020 11:39

I asked a close friend to do our reading at our wedding and she agreed. A few weeks later she messaged me to explain it was making her very anxious and would I be very disappointed if she didn’t do it. I was horrified that she’d felt anxious for so long before saying anything! I phoned her and told her she was my friend and I love her. I wanted her to enjoy our day with us, not feel stressed and anxious about it and I was so glad she felt able to tell me. I then asked another friend to read who was much more comfortable with it.

If the bride is a good friend the last thing she will want is you feeling awful on her wedding day. Have a chat with her and see what she says. I would never want one of my friend to feel that way and my wedding wasn’t more important than my friends having a nice time!

EdgeWithNoReason · 21/02/2020 11:40

I think you should tell her exactly what you have said here. You sound lovely and she sounds lovely, maybe you could be apart of the wedding in a different role.

I'd hate one of my friends to feel this anxious.

Maybe link her to this thread ?

Massive congratulations for your weight loss Flowers

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/02/2020 11:41

TomeOfSomething it's the colour the OP is having issues with.
It's a really hard colour to pull off, I'd look awful in it!

Mumdiva99 · 21/02/2020 11:43

You sound lovely, she sounds lovely. Just tell her. Tell her you love her and would love to help her get ready on the day - if that's still ok. But you really would prefer to not be in the formal photos due to all the things you said here.

peachgreen · 21/02/2020 11:47

If you were my friend I would 100% understand and I'm sure she will too. BUT I think this is so sad for you. It's awful that your low self-esteem is spoiling such a nice thing for you. Is there anything we could do (maybe over in Style and Beauty) to help? Could you arrange to get your hair and make-up done to help you feel more confident? Losing 8 stone is such a fantastic achievement and I can promise you that anyone who is there will be thinking how great you look and how well you've done. You deserve to feel good about yourself and to celebrate your success.

I wish I could come and give you a big hug and try and help you feel better about yourself OP, I really feel for you. I do get it - I'm very overweight myself and I have had similar struggles. But I've always been glad I did it and look back on the photos with happiness.

peachgreen · 21/02/2020 11:49

I'd love an excuse to try on this dress: www.fashionworld.co.uk/shop/maya-curve-v-neck-cap-sleeve-maxi-dress/LN193/product/details/show.action

hellsbells99 · 21/02/2020 11:53

Talk to the bride.
I must admit if I had to wear that colour, I would get a fake tan first! Love the dress peach green has posted above.

dappledsunshine · 21/02/2020 11:53

I'm also v pale op and for the first time ever last summer I had a spray tan for a wedding. It made such a difference to how I felt and looked, there's some really good subtle tans for paler skins now.

I think with this, a lovely hair do, make up and the right dress you would feel so much better about things.

Gadgnkk · 21/02/2020 11:57

I would just tell her the contents of your OP.
I'd feel the same way about the champagne coloured dress. You could offer to do bridesmaid duties prior to the wedding but just not on the actual day?

Original poster
IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 21/02/2020 11:59

TomeOfSomething I’ve had 2 threads in style and beauty, people have been so helpful and I’ve tried every type of good, suck you in underwear. I look awful no matter which way it goes. The colour is awful on me. It makes me look awful. Combined with being the size I am, I am not going to look good.

PeachGreen two weeks ago you could’ve come to my house to try it on. It doesn’t work, I look huge in it

I wish I’d name changed for this thread because linking her to it would be so much easier but I don’t want my username outed

OP posts:
peachgreen · 21/02/2020 12:00

Oh OP you poor thing, I'm so sorry. What a shame.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/02/2020 12:00

20 people looking at that dress right now, how many using that link?

That is a lovely dress.

Original poster
IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 21/02/2020 12:01

Fake tan makes me feel slightly better generally but it just doesn’t feel enough this time.

I am super pale and very red all at the same time, I’m a flabby size 22 with small boobs, my skin and hair are not great after a horrid year that I dealt with by not taking care of myself.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread