How would you feel if your friend backed out of being your bridesmaid?

[IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece]

One of my closest, longest friends has asked me to be a bridesmaid when she gets married in 3 months, I said yes (I didn’t really know what else to say!)

I have atrocious self esteem, I’m 8 stone overweight (have lost 8 stone but I’m now still fat but also saggy and wobbly...) and am absolutely dreading standing up there infront of 100 guests next to the 3 other bridesmaids who are all beautiful and will look amazing. I could, and have, cry, at the thought of standing up there.

She has said we can choose the style of dress but she wants the colour to be champagne. I’m v pale and red faced, champagne looks awful on me. I’ve bought and tried 9 dresses and they all look awful. This isn’t just my self esteem talking either, I have 2 lovely friends who have kindly suggested we find a different dress each time!

If I bow out then I worry about how it will affect our friendship and the groomsmen/bridesmaids will be unbalanced in pictures.

I love her and I would love to be a part of her day but this is stressing me out beyond anything else right now, I don’t want to do it but what would you think if your bridesmaid said this to you?

Her other best friend is maid of honour and has already bollocked me for not getting into the dress chatting on the group chat. She’s going to be furious at me after this
Right, well don't spend any more time or energy thinking about her. Let her be furious. As Miranda from Sex and the City would say: Fuck her.

I totally hear you about the colour, but maybe as a pp suggests think about a spray tan?

Oh, x-post.

it is supposed to be a fun day for all. If a beige dress is going to make you that unhappy then that's no fun. If the woman is worth it she'll understand. If she throws a toddler-strop then she's no loss.

meet up with her and have a chat. Personally I find the concept of bridesmaids in uniform incredible in the 21st century but some women do go temporaily insane when the frilly-frock party comes up.

When is the wedding , can you afford to get some facials and hair treatments. Either in salons or at home. There are some wonderfull hari masks and face masks out there now. Start putting on some body moisturiser with tan on so every time you put on a dress you can see what you look like. Stop buying dresses, there are only a few bridesmaid style dresses out there. Start beliveing you look good too, you have done so well to loose 8 stone. i would say when you look in the mirror you can not see your new shape coming through. Your friend loves you and thinks you are beutiful, she wants you to play a big part in her wedding day. so i wouldn't pull out. If all this has failed then sit down and talk to her, be prepared though that she will be upset and it could affect your friendship

I have been where you are now op I was 8 stone overweight (thankfully lost it now) in the end I decided to go through with being a bridesmaid after very nearly pulling out. I didn't regret it and whilst I wasn't happy with how I looked I was happy to be there for my friend. I got changed into a dress that I was comfortable in after the meal which my friend was fine about and meant I could enjoy the evening more. Like pp have said fake tan is your friend here as well as really good underwear and the fact that you really will look better than you think

Start beliveing you look good too

I appreciate the advice, I do, but it just isn’t this easy. I hate how I look, I sit on a particular spot in the living room so I don’t catch site of myself in the reflection of the tv, I get in the shower in a certain way so I don’t see myself in the mirror, I have hated how I look for so long that I don’t have a way to start believing I look good.

I can afford hair and sling treatments, I can afford to have an option of dresses but it comes down to the fact that the colour makes me look awful (tan or not) and I am dreading standing up infront of people, many I know, some I’ve not seen in 5 years, some I see all the time. I wish I could click my fingers and feel differently but I cant

I feel for you you, OP. Well done on losing the weight. I would maybe write her a letter (or prepare notes to help you speak to her clearly) and explain how you feel. If I was you, I would not focus on the colour of the dress as I think it could make her feel like she’s made a mistake with her colour scheme or that you want her to change the colours.

I would tell her how you are so excited about her wedding and can’t wait to help her get ready on the day, (help make the favours, do the hen etc) and all those parts of being a bridesmaid, but you feel you have to be honest about how bad your body image/confidence is at the moment, and that the idea of standing in front of a crowd and being in the wedding party photographs, is making you very anxious and uncomfortable.

Maybe ask if you can be a bridesmaid in name only, eg help with everything but not actually walk up the aisle and be in photos (and then you can wear anything), or if she would prefer, you could step back from being a bridesmaid. Be apologetic and just say you want to support her and be there for her, and you don’t want your anxiety about wearing a dress being in photos could get in the way of you being there for her 100% on the day. And don’t ask the other bridesmaid this is between you and your friend!

I have spots of eczema also so fake tan looks fine on me (although too dark looks v odd with my hair) generally but there are patches where it just doesn’t sit right on my skin

I felt similarly last year. I went through with it (with a lot of fake tan) but I know I’d have enjoyed it all so much more if I hadn’t been a bridesmaid. I would never be one again. Your friend sounds like she would listen.

I wore this style dress as a larger bridesmaid and felt amazing, they do it in champagne! They also do different styles in the same colour for the others? They have a shop in London you could all visit www.vivienofholloway.com/women-c70/dresses-c10/grace-champagne-duchess-p3129

Oh OP, I really feel for you but I think you're letting your anxieties get in the way of what could be a lovely thing.

Your friend knows what you look like and she doesn't give a stuff, she just sees 'you', her lovely friend of two decades. (Obvs other bridesmaid bridesmaidzilla can do one, but this is about your friend).

Champagne is a difficult colour, but no-one is going to be thinking that when they look at the bridal party, they'll just be happy to see everyone looking so happy.

Can you get your make up done as well as a tan? What's happening with hair?

I'm wondering if there's a way the bride would be willing to compromise on colour if you explain to her everything you've said here and how you're feeling about it. Maybe not do away with champagne all together, but if she'd be happy to have you, and the others, accessorise with another colour, that way you could maybe have a dress with a champagne skirt and a bodice in her chosen colour so that would be what would frame your face. The others could have wraps or shawls in that colour if they've already chosen their dresses. An example below of the type of dress you could get, or you could get a champagne skirt like this https://www.dressedinlucy.com/full-length-maxi-tulle-skirt-in-beige/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIvbqBi9bi5wIVyZrVCh0E3QZBEAQYAiABEgLrPDD_BwE and buy a top to go with it (if the bride would be happy with his compromise).

I think you need to tell her. I know I was in a similar position with my bridesmaid and I had just been not thinking things through because there were so many things to think about. I honestly didn't click that the colour scheme didn't really go with my best friend's natural tones and tbh she doesn't look great in the photos and that makes me feel guilty when I look at the pics as I realise now with hindsight how inconsiderate I had been. i hadn't intended this and i really wish she had said before it was too late that the colour scheme wasn't going to suit her. obviously I would rather have my best friend as my bridesmaid feeling comfortable and happy in colours that work for her, much better than either losing her as a bridesmaid or having her there feeling uncomfortable.

My best friend didn't want to be bridesmaid for similar reasons OP. We talked about it, she was a witness instead. I would never want my friend to be uncomfortable so didn't think anything of it at all!

Get rid of all the mirrors while you get ready on the day. Get a spray tan, hair stylist and make up artist. Buy tonnes of dresses and spend a day trying them on with your friends and they can make the decision on the most flattering dress.

It’s your mind holding you back, not your skin, hair or weight. Give up the control and let other people be your decision makers and stylists. It’s one day to get through for your friend and I bet you will look amazing.

And maybe have a chat with your GP to see about some counselling? It’s sad to read your negativity about your body and the way you avoid your own reflection. It must be hard work for you feeling that way. I have a feeling that even if the colour scheme changed you would still feel deeply uncomfortable, and so I would avoid having a chat with the bride about the colour. If you really can’t face it then I’d instead have a chat with her about taking a quieter role on the day and explaining why.

Wow, 8st loss! That's a truly incredible achievement so far. Please don't let this detract from the amazing work you have done.

I understand though. Champagne is not a flattering shade. Have you tried on a structured rather than floaty style though like the satin one a PP linked?

If you're certain you will not feel comfortable, talk to your friend in person (or on the phone at least, not by text) and explain. A genuine friend would rather have you there and happy than feeling this way.

I wondered though, how much of this is the other bridesmaid hounding you? If she could be asked politely but firmly by the bride to back off, might you feel better?

These issues are much deeper rooted than not suiting the colour scheme, and I know how you feel @IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece. Be honest with your friend and together you can find a way to be part of her big day without putting yourself through the absolute hell of having everyone looking at you x

If you were my friend I wouldn’t want you to do anything that made you feel like that, but I’d ask If you wanted to be involved in another way e.g sign as a witness etc

This - I 100% would want my friend to be comfortable on my big day or I would be worried about them and sad if they looked upset. Tell her, you both sound lovely

I was asked and declined because I just didn't feel comfortable in floaty dresses and being decorative. Friend respected that and understood. In the end I was a witness and read a poem, wearing what I wanted to wear. Everyone was happy!

I'm a size 8 and I wouldn't be caught wearing champagne in a million years, it's just awful and hard to wear.

OP, I'm absolutely sure she meant well. She obviously think you're beautiful and that you're a good friend to her. But if this is making you uncomfortable I really don't see the point, you need to listen to your needs, discuss it with her, and assure her you will be there all day long. I'm sure she will understand

First of all OP, you’ve lost 8 stone and that’s AMAZING!!! It doesn’t sound like you’ve given yourself enough credit for what you’ve done.

Secondly, talk to your friend, if I were her I would do anything I could to make you more comfortable and I bet she’d do the same. Perhaps find a dress you love (in a different colour) and ask her if she would mind you wearing that.

I was the big bridesmaid at my best friends wedding, I was a 22 and the others were an 8 and two 10s. I did all the little things I could, got lash extensions, made sure my hair and nails were spot on and also got some brilliant Spanx. It was a lovely day and I soon forgot my size compared to theirs.

I had a chat with my best friend the other week. She had been my bridesmaid (years ago now) and she told me now she only did it out of a sense of duty.

Sorry posted too soon. She was in a bad place with her self esteem following a break up and standing up at a wedding was the last thing she wanted. But she didn't want to let me down so did it. I really wish she had told me how she felt. No way would I have wanted her feeling terrible like that. Talk to your friend. Be honest about how you feel. Go with some of the solutions mentioned above. Good luck op

Is she a really good friend? Has she been with you while you lost weight? I think you should talk to her - it's okay if you get upset, she needs to know how anxious you feel - and just tell her that you can't do it. You can't put yourself through it.

And take no notice of the other bitchy bridesmaid. It's nothing to do with her.