How would you feel if your friend backed out of being your bridesmaid?

[IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece]

One of my closest, longest friends has asked me to be a bridesmaid when she gets married in 3 months, I said yes (I didn’t really know what else to say!)

I have atrocious self esteem, I’m 8 stone overweight (have lost 8 stone but I’m now still fat but also saggy and wobbly...) and am absolutely dreading standing up there infront of 100 guests next to the 3 other bridesmaids who are all beautiful and will look amazing. I could, and have, cry, at the thought of standing up there.

She has said we can choose the style of dress but she wants the colour to be champagne. I’m v pale and red faced, champagne looks awful on me. I’ve bought and tried 9 dresses and they all look awful. This isn’t just my self esteem talking either, I have 2 lovely friends who have kindly suggested we find a different dress each time!

If I bow out then I worry about how it will affect our friendship and the groomsmen/bridesmaids will be unbalanced in pictures.

I love her and I would love to be a part of her day but this is stressing me out beyond anything else right now, I don’t want to do it but what would you think if your bridesmaid said this to you?

Wow, champagne is a tough gig for many people! I really feel for you

I guess only you can know whether she’d understand or not,
And whether if you backed out, you would feel ok on the day or it would be horribly awkward.
You have to weigh up how you’d feel in that scenario with getting through one day feeling awful but knowing you’re doing it for your friend
In official photos you can stand sideways and the champagne (awful choice btw!) will all just blend in. You’re also likely to have a nice bunch of flowers to hold in front of you.
Then as soon as the ceremony and photos are over if it was me I’d have a nice wrap/scarf/stole in a contrasting colour that suits me like teal or dark red or something. You could keep that on for the rest of the function.
OR you could ‘accidentally’ spill red wine down your bridesmaid dress at the earliest possible opportunity after the ceremony and just have to change into a spare dress that happens to be flattering and a lovely colour!

You have my sympathy. Weddings are a nightmare even when you're not a bridesmaid. I'm sure your friend will understand if you explain. She won't want you feeling bad at her wedding. Could you do a reading or propose a toast at the reception? Or show people to their seats in church? There must be ways of taking part that don't involve champagne chiffon!

The colour is a huge issue, I look good and feel as confident as I can in a couple of colours, this isn’t one of them. I look like a thumb, but it’s not the only issue. I can’t bare the thought of standing up there infront of everyone, being in photos forever and having attention on me.

I can’t think of the day without getting upset. I’ve worked so hard to feel better about myself (struts me, this is an improvement!) and I’ve made small progress and every time I think about it, I feel like I do when someone has teased me or taken the piss out of me for my size.

I love her and I’ll do anything for her and if this is a friendship deal breaker then I’ll do it but I don’t want to and no amount of fake tan or Spanx will change that

Oh sweetheart, just tell her! If shes half the friend you are, she wont mind in the slightest.

What about a spray tan and anti-redness make up? I also have bouts of red skin and have found this combo to work wonders in the past. But I'm probably same as you - champagne would not be a good look on me. But a spray tan might help.

I know you can't escape the colour if she wants champagne. But could a style like this help?

www.fashionworld.co.uk/shop/maya-curve-v-neck-cap-sleeve-maxi-dress/LN193/product/details/show.action?pdBoUid=1030&promo=6202&optionColour=Blush&optionSize=14&cm_mmc=GOOGLE--Fashion--na-_-PRODUCT_GROUP&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&gclid=Cj0KCQiAnL7yBRD3ARIsAJp_oLZKxWDp7GIPzkBT56Prjs1dm0Ub3JBkobK8jipBKMA_UI8z51VeApkaAvsWEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

Blurby’s link is a lovely dress. (Speaking as someone who is also size 22 😕)

Many years ago I was in the same situation. I was a size 22 and my friend picked a dress that only went up to 18 so I spent a fortune getting it altered and I looked absolutely horrific. Her and the other 2 bridesmaids were size 10s and 5ft5 and aswell as being fat I'm 6ft tall so my dress was an awful length. Very occasionally my friend still shares photos on social media and I feel sick seeing how I ruined all her pictures. I wish I had told her I didnt want to do it but I didnt think she would understand

blurby's dress has already been linked to upthread and the OP has already tried it on.

OP - I can only echo others, if she's half the friend you are, she'll give you the biggest hug and tell you that you being at the wedding in whatever capacity suits you is the most important thing and that the only champagne in your vicinity will be the drinking kind

It would’ve been better to decline immediately, bur she won’t yet have gone to any expense so just tell her asap that on reflection you would much prefer to be a guest, and perhaps offer to help with anything she would like help with, behind the scenes.

I'm going to avoid commenting on your self-esteem etc because that's a whole other thread and instead concentrate on your initial question - 'should you still be a bridesmaid'.

I think if you don't want to do it (for WHATEVER reason), then don't. Because her photographs will be forever and if you're not happy in them, it will show. You'll also not be able to completely hide how you feel and will put a dampener on the morning prep time.

But. If you do decide to back out then you MUST do it this week. It's already only three months to go. Final preperations will be put in place over the forthcoming weeks. She needs a reasonable amount of time to adjust her arrangements, before you cost her any more money, stress and rejigging of plans.

She'll understand if you're as good friends as you say. But you can't blame her if she is temporarily annoyed/disappointed or sad because her best friend is pulling out of her wedding at very short notice. But she'll get over it.

I'll also add, OP that you need to remember how the size you ar enow is making you feel.

You're missing out on being your best friends bridesmaid because of this.

I know you've already lost weight, but next time you want to binge, have a 'treat' feast or want to give up dieting, you need to remember how you feel right now and how your life is being affected because of how you look.

You'll get there.

I’ve been a reader at a wedding where I didn’t fit the brief as a bridesmaid you have a much better time in a dress you love and rather than cringe at the back you’re happy to be up front beaming at your friend.

I know where I’d rather have my best friend x

I do agree that if you are going to step down you should do it this week.
Either decide to do that and do it ASAP, by the wedding it will all have been forgotten I’m sure and if she’s bothered about things like numbers balancing with the groomsmen then she’s got time to ask someone else.

Or make a decision that you’re going to go with it. Consider having a dress made if you can’t quite find the right shape - then you can choose sleeves, neck line etc.
(And do consider my excellent plan of ‘accidentally’ spilling wine down it then you may only have to wear that awful colour for a couple of hours of your life)!

I dont think you will look awful. You are invited because you are loved and wanted there. Take a pashmina in your favourite colour with you for comfort and I bet when you are there it will be so busy and nice you will be too occupied to worry.

I think your reasons are understandable and your friend would hate for you to feel anxious and uncomfortable.

I came on the thread to say don’t pull out unless you want to end the friendship, as that’s what one of my bridesmaids did to me. Pulled out because she didn’t think we we’re good enough friends anymore, didn’t come on the hen weekend and turned down the invite to the actual wedding. Utterly bizarre, I’m still not sure what happened!!

However your situation is entirely different and if a friend I had as a bridesmaid explained what you have, I’d have given them a big hug and told them not to worry for one more second.

I’ve just spoken to her. She told me to stop being a dick and it’s fine, she just wants me there. I’m going over in the morning whilst they all get ready, travelling with the bridesmaids then slipping into a pew.

I feel very relieved and that I can I now enjoy her special day. Thank you so much for all your help. It’s a very big weight off my shoulders.

Yay! Sensible bride/awesome friend - so pleased you've resolved this OP. Have a great weekend and look forward to celebrating your friend's amazing day.

Oh my god I could cry for you OP you and your friend both sound lovely!

She's like the AntiBridezilla!

Hope you both have the best day on her big day

So glad she was understanding. And I hope you find something to wear that makes you feel fabulous.

What are the other colours in the theme?

I was wondering if she would allow the bridesmaids a silk scarf in another colour, that way there would be a break between your face and the dress.

My aunt has a rosy face and she has done this on a couple of occasions and it really works. Her face is next to the colour that suits her, but her dress is the appropriate colour for the occasion.

It wouldn't hurt to ask.

With regards to your dress, have you one that you liked best? Perhaps take them to a seamstress to alter just for you. I am an odd shape so have everything altered and it makes all the difference!

I'm so pleased OP. Your friend sounds like a lovely friend. It sounds as though you've reached the ideal compromise and it's clear how much you mean to her that she still wants you involved in her day but doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable.

Well done for telling her how you feel and for your weight loss so far. You've done fantastically.

Thank you all so much.

She wants me to be a part of everything bridesmaid related on the day of and leading up to it (aside from the walking down the aisle!) and has added a photo of me and her and the bridesmaids and me to the photographers list. She said I never have to look at them but she wants them.

I’m incredibly touched that she been so understanding and still wants me involved. I’m v lucky to have her!

Yeh ! I think you should buy a dress that makes you feel amazing and helps you forget those insecurities - you’ll be able to look back at the photos with fondness, knowing how much your friend cared and how great you look. ....now what were the colours that make you feel great we can find you a fantastic ‘not a bridesmaid’ dress ..harness the power !

Forest green is a colour I feel really good in

Red (but rust rather then bright)

Possibly navy or a lighter blue (not too light!)

:o :o