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Original poster

Child staying with ex’s wife’s parents on dad’s contact time?

124 replies

CathyTre · 03/02/2020 19:27

I realise there’s nothing I can do about this, as it’s up to the kids’ father how he runs his life and what he does when it’s his weekend with our children.

But I still find it very odd that on his time at weekends (every other Friday and Saturday) our eldest son has been going to stay with his wife’s mum and dad and then going to church with them on Sunday mornings.

I don’t know these people (ex’s wife was the other woman, not that it matters, but obviously I don’t know her parents) but he obviously trusts them and knows them well and wouldn’t send son to people he didn’t trust obviously.

I just think it’s really odd and I don’t really like it! Every other Friday and Saturday, the children are with him and I miss them terribly when it’s his weekend. I wouldn’t dream of sending one or both somewhere else these weekends!

I have that time with my husband, they have their “child free” time when I have the children (about 70/30 split) so why would they do this?

OP posts:

Original poster

CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:37

Eldest found out the weekend following when he went to see my ex and saw his wedding ring. This was not a high point in their relationship and my eldest is still, whilst nominally fine with this, pissed off.

OP posts:

TheFaerieQueene · 03/02/2020 23:38

This is a very strange arrangement. I would also be aware that young children can pretend to be ok with situations when in reality they are not.

Original poster

CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:40

Ex’s wife explicitly told that she would have found eldest’s presence ‘awkward” as he’s an adult and knew how their relationship began when he was sixteen. This hasn’t helped relationship between him and his dad tbh

OP posts:

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Families

ChristmasCarcass · 03/02/2020 23:40

I agree with Ruby - it doesn’t matter how lovely the wife’s parents are (and hopefully they are nice).

The issue is your Ex not spending any time with his DS, and the contrast between that and how he treats the younger DC. That is the damaging part.

Original poster

CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:41

Not my doing though!

OP posts:

ChristmasCarcass · 03/02/2020 23:42

Well it sounds like he is well on the way to having no relationship with any of them when they are older.

RubyViolet · 03/02/2020 23:45

Cathy, l am not posting and leaving, l have to go to bed. I will look for this thread tomorrow if you need to chat more after you have slept on it. I think you have legitimate concerns that need addressing.

Original poster

CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:46

Well, if I’m going to be a bitch before bed, she did marry my ex in her church and says she’s a practicing Christian, whilst leaving out our eldest son... and also the whole affair with someone else’s partner thing when their youngest is a baby... maybe I don’t think THAT highly of her..,

But still. She’s now his wife and my kids’ step mum so...

OP posts:

Original poster

CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:47

Thank you, Ruby, I’ll look out for you! Bed time here too. X

OP posts:

Eastie77 · 04/02/2020 00:08

I would insist on meeting the wife's parents. I don't think I would rest easy knowing my children were sleeping in the house of people I don't know.

Sorry OP, not a criticism as you've mentioned you trust your ex's judgement but still - these people are complete strangers to you and you've presumably never seen their house, where your DS sleeps, who has access to him when is getting dressed etc. I personally wouldn't feel reassured because they are religious.

lyralalala · 04/02/2020 06:11

A court would be highly unlikely to restrict his access because of this so be very careful before you go down that route. Nor can they be forced to let you meet people your ex is ok with the kids spending time with (rightly or wrongly, I’m just stating the facts)

I had similar when my ex remarried and her parents became step-grandparents to my girls. They stayed with them, took them on days out... given he had limited time with them (particularly as his new wife really limited his time with some extreme rules) I found it weird

The kids loved it though and that was the main thing. They’d go late evening, so not missing much time with their dad, then in the morning they’d feed the array of animals the step-Grandparents have and went to church. Sometimes other family kids were there, sometimes just them. It actually stood them in really good stead when the ex and his wife had kids because the step-GPS already doted on the girls and they weren’t pushed out by them

In one of his spurious court visits the ex was actually praised for the way his wife and her family had become a big family to the girls

What are your actual concerns? Don’t worry too much about your ex’s relationship with your son - he’s messed up with your eldest already. If he’s going to mess up with the younger two you can’t stop it. Sadly, like do many of us, you’ll just get the picking up the pieces job

Ironically my girls still see the step-Grandparents from time to time. They don’t see their father or his (now ex) wife. The GP’s kindly facilitate them having contact with their siblings so it’s worked out well

StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2020 06:32

"
If it's likely they will have children together then I think it's especially nice for your kids to have a bond with her parents. If the grandparents treat all the kids the same it will make things much easier down the line."
But that's not the case. One child spends all his contact time at the wife's parents and barely sees his dad. His sibling spends all the contact time with his dad and during that time doesn't have any contact or normal family life with his sibling.

lyralalala · 04/02/2020 06:42

One child spends all his contact time at the wife's parents and barely sees his dad

That’s not what the OP said. Her second post states that he spends Saturday night and Sunday morning with the step-grandparents.

That’s not all of his contact at all

ddraigygoch · 04/02/2020 07:19

Did everyone miss the bit where Op works for a solicitor who said she doesn't have a leg to stand on?

Demand to meet the parents?! She doesn't have that power.
Stop contact? He would win in court and she'd have to tell the 7 year old who apparently enjoys this arrangement why.

These are the children's grandparents.
The father only has a small window of time to facilitate a relationship between him and his children's wider family. That is what he is doing.

The adults and child in this arrangement are happy. OP can't do anything.

However. I have to say I am in awe of your dignity and rationality After what they did. The absolute hilarity about them getting married in her church after being his side shag and breaking up a marriage.

If I was your eldest I would never ever forgive them.

Aknifewith16blades · 04/02/2020 07:26

While I suspect the situation is fine, if unusual, it is a little concerning. I'd be inclined to do two things. The first is a Sarah's Law check on the wife's parents and their son who I think you mentioned is also there. That should hopefully set your mind at rest and can be done without telling your ex.

Secondly, I'd mention your concerns to your ex's parents, and see if they might be better placed to raise concerns with your ex. Very odd to be splitting the children up like that though.

Original poster

CathyTre · 04/02/2020 07:43

Thanks for replies!

There is nothing I can do if ex decides to continue with this set up, so I’m not going to bring it up with him again.

I still don’t like it. But I’m not going to ruin my time with my children but worrying about what he’s doing with his time, as long as kids not being harmed.

OP posts:

Original poster

CathyTre · 04/02/2020 07:44

*by worrying

OP posts:

averythinline · 04/02/2020 07:55

am i reading this correctly - he is keeping the 4yr old and sending the 7 yr old away? to strangers(to the child) every weekend he has them...

why is he splitting the siblings up - that sounds horrible - I would be really unhappy about this and it makes no sense to me...

the 7 year old may not be saying anything (sensitive kids often bottle things up) but both of them will be noticing...

he doesn't get to pick and choose which child he parents.....especially if its frequently just the one, this is setting them up for a very poor relationship..are they playing happy families with the younger one as she can pretend he's 'theirs' more as is younger/more of an age of her peers kids - whereas teh 7yr old is not/looks like you more..???? cannot fathom this at all

I would be keeping a very close eye on both teh kids it is not a healthy dynamic,.....and send email that you are very unhappy with them splitting the kids

StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2020 08:55

But his contact is every other Friday and Saturday. That's a huge chunk of 'his' time. The children are clearly not being treated the same.

Enko · 04/02/2020 09:19

OP it is possible for step grandparents to be involved with and grow to care for and love their step grandchildren. My stepdad was the other man and his parents grew a close loving bond with my mothers 2 youngest children (myself and my brother) I remained with my mother so saw them a lot however my brother lived with our father yet he also got this bond with them and spend weekends with them at times.

My youngest daughter has the feminised version of my step grandfathers name for her middle name.

I get you feel it's odd however if your son I's happy I would not try to push things to far. How you would parent is not how your x parents. Asking to meet them imo is fine but be aware they may say no. My step grandparents didnt I can even recall my father having a cup if coffee in their house a few times. I feel very lucky I ended up with this bonus set of grand parents and I know my brother does too

Campurp · 04/02/2020 09:56

My question is- what happens when your ex and his new wife have their own baby? It’s all well and good for her parents to play being grandparents, but will it be the same when they have their own ‘real’ one?

heyjoeyitsestelle · 04/02/2020 13:46

@Campurp
It was the same in my case. I'm my husbands second wife and he has a 10 year old son. We have a 5 and 1 year old together.
Stepson was 2 when we met. I was obviously childless, but my parents have treated him as their own grandchild from the moment they met. And nothing changed when we had more kids. He's actually really close with my dad and doesn't have a relationship with my husbands parents so really my parents are the only grandparents he has on his dad's side.
He spends time with my dad alone (going to cinema, bike rides etc) , or with our other kids and with us around and not.
Saying that- we have him Friday to Monday every week so it's not an EOW situation.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is- my husband adores his son and would rather spend every moment of the weekend with him than not. But he also understands that his son wants to do other things with other people and that's ok too.

heyjoeyitsestelle · 04/02/2020 13:57

@averythinline
Or... the 7 year old is happy for a break from their 4 year old sibling?

Campurp · 04/02/2020 15:44

@heyjoeyitsestelle well I hope these grandparents are lovely like yours.

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