Child staying with ex’s wife’s parents on dad’s contact time?

[CathyTre]

I realise there’s nothing I can do about this, as it’s up to the kids’ father how he runs his life and what he does when it’s his weekend with our children.

But I still find it very odd that on his time at weekends (every other Friday and Saturday) our eldest son has been going to stay with his wife’s mum and dad and then going to church with them on Sunday mornings.

I don’t know these people (ex’s wife was the other woman, not that it matters, but obviously I don’t know her parents) but he obviously trusts them and knows them well and wouldn’t send son to people he didn’t trust obviously.

I just think it’s really odd and I don’t really like it! Every other Friday and Saturday, the children are with him and I miss them terribly when it’s his weekend. I wouldn’t dream of sending one or both somewhere else these weekends!

I have that time with my husband, they have their “child free” time when I have the children (about 70/30 split) so why would they do this?

I hear you Cathy. I can’t understand why a Dad would pass his kid over to someone else on his access time. I think you are right to feel this might not be right for a 7 year old.

I’d be very unhappy about this. These people are unrelated and are not grandparents. If I’m being separated from my DC so they can see their Dad then fair enough. But I’m not being separated from my DC just for them to spend time with randoms. If their Dad doesn’t want them then I’ll have them back, and would go to court to enforce this if necessary.

Well, this is how I feel, Dillbaby, but as ling as the children are not at risk of harm, and I have no reason to think her parents are not safe, then this is up to my ex.

I just do not necessarily think this is emotionally healthy in terms of splitting them up and seven year old not having his contact time with his dad. Also I think bedtime and waking up in the same house as your parent is a bonding time, and important.

In the Scottish Children's Hearing system we are taught that contact is for the benefit of the kids not the parents. I assume this is also the case for separated children?

I do not see why nonbiological step relatives are having a sleepover with only one of your children every other weekend rather than the child being with their father? It's very strange, I would not be happy and I'd be requesting that contact was renegotiated.

Maybe I should become a member of the parents of my ex’s wife’s church congregation every other weekend. They seem to be active members so at least I’d get to know who my child is staying with!

Cathy is he keeping the 4 year old and sending the 7 year old away to stay at his wife’s parents ? I just reread your first post.

Yes keeping the four year old. Only seven year old staying with his wife’s parents. Who I have never met.

this is up to my ex
Is it though? I don’t think he can just take your kids every weekend and dump them with randoms. If he isn’t utilising his contact time then I’d seek to have it cancelled. The children are gaining no benefit from being abandoned with strangers, they should be with a parent.

His relationship with the eldest (19 year old) is somewhat strained also because they decided not to invite him to or tell him about their wedding in the summer as she would find his presence “awkward”. (He is nine years younger than the wife) This is another bone of contention that we are now over but my eldest son still brings up on occasion.

Is this happening on every be of his access weekends, or just once or twice?

Once or twice wouldn’t bother me, every single time would make me concerned DS is going to start to feel rejected by his dad, especially when the favoured/younger/cuter sibling gets to stay with him. How long has this been going on for?

I wouldn't like this at all! Having to spend less time with my children so they can be shunted off to OW's parents for most the weekend? I know there's nothing you can do but it seems really odd to me and you ex sounds like a crap father.

Understood. I don’t think this is entirely healthy for your kids relationships with each other for starters. One child is having full access to their Father and the other, for whatever reason isn’t. I would start there. It just isn’t fair on your 7 year old.
I don’t think l could leave this like this. Something is off about this.

I’d seriously consider going back to court - if he doesn’t want to spend any time with your DS, DS should be back with you where he is actually loved and wanted, not dumped on anyone who’ll put up with him.

It’s odd really, because my youngest son is objectively more difficult in terms of sleep and just being more “needy” in terms of needing a lot of attention like four year old pre schoolers do! And he’s a more feisty character than my middle son. Maybe that’s why her parents like bing “pretend grandparents” to my seven year old!

As a deputy head teacher and teacher they should be well aware of the difficulties children have with split parents let alone another set in the mix.

I’d contact the OW parents and ask to meet up and check them out.

Exactly how I feel RubyViolet! I just don’t think this is healthy on all the levels you say!

But it does seem there’s nothing I can do about it really, unfortunately.

And it sounds like he has issues in his relationship with your eldest child through no fault of this child either.
I think you need to be firmer with him and spell out that your 7 year old needs him as much as the 4 year old. Is he ever planning on having the two together again ? If not don’t send them.

Do you have a formal contact order ?

I’m not sure if I could really contact her parents without causing issues - but I am tempted to do so!

The easiest way would be to join their church every other Sunday as presumably they couldn’t stop me doing that but I’m not sure if that would be a passive aggressive act?

No formal contact order. The agreement was set out in 2016 when youngest was a baby and dealt with by the firm I work for, he agreed to the days and times and we’ve stuck with that, more or less.

Yes that would make you look like a mental stalker. Don’t do that. Your son will point you out to them in the congregation, and they will think you’ve followed them there.

If there is no formal court order, you are not stuck with it though, I don’t think. You can re-negotiate an agreement.
Contact is supposed to be in the best interests of the child. I guess you could ask your ex why he thinks it is in his son’s best interests to not be with his father during contact time.

Well I suppose I would have followed them there!

Anyone can ”worship” in an inclusive c of e church though if they want to, particularly of their child is a semi regular attendee though?

(Disclaimer: I’m not REALLY planning on doing this, but I do feel anxious about these people my child is staying with who I do not know)

You could suggest that if he can’t cope with both DC at once, he could have one on alternate fortnights until they are older? (DC1 on week 1, DC2 on week 3, children with you on weeks 2&4).

Or if he just doesn’t want DC1 overnight for whatever reason, he can stay at yours and they can pick him up from your house on Sunday like they are picking him up from the babysitter’s currently.

Either of those options would be better than shipping him off on his own while they play happy families with DC2.

What is the point of being a parent if in the 2 out of every 14 days you have your child, you send them off for the majority of the time to be looked after by other people.