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Original poster

Child staying with ex’s wife’s parents on dad’s contact time?

124 replies

CathyTre · 03/02/2020 19:27

I realise there’s nothing I can do about this, as it’s up to the kids’ father how he runs his life and what he does when it’s his weekend with our children.

But I still find it very odd that on his time at weekends (every other Friday and Saturday) our eldest son has been going to stay with his wife’s mum and dad and then going to church with them on Sunday mornings.

I don’t know these people (ex’s wife was the other woman, not that it matters, but obviously I don’t know her parents) but he obviously trusts them and knows them well and wouldn’t send son to people he didn’t trust obviously.

I just think it’s really odd and I don’t really like it! Every other Friday and Saturday, the children are with him and I miss them terribly when it’s his weekend. I wouldn’t dream of sending one or both somewhere else these weekends!

I have that time with my husband, they have their “child free” time when I have the children (about 70/30 split) so why would they do this?

OP posts:
JuanSheetIsPlenty · 03/02/2020 20:08

Sounds like he can’t handle both DC himself so sends eldest off.

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 20:11

I also don’t like that he’s staying with these people who I don’t know and their adult son who I also don’t know to be honest.

My ex is a deputy head teacher and his wife is a member of SLT in a primary school so I’m as sure as I can be that these people are safe, but it still feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Narcheska · 03/02/2020 20:13

I know it's hard when your separated and you find out that when your having to give up time with your kids to the other parent they're not actually making the most of that time in your eyes (I've felt like that too) but I think if your son enjoys going then you just have to accept it and treat it like them visiting their grandparents. Tough I know but it's just how life moves on

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AllHeart1 · 03/02/2020 20:13

Tbh I think that often people are too prescriptive about what should be done on the other parent’s contact time. It’s not uncommon to have posts on here from SM’s who talk about the ex wife sending the kids to stay with her mother regularly and the response is always that it’s her business.

I’m not sure the fact that it’s the wife’s mother makes any difference tbh. As hard as it is, she and her family are now also his family. Not by blood, but family is about more than that, and if he has a good relationship with her parents then why shouldn’t he go and stay there? He may even consider them to be grandparents.

As long as he’s not distressed about it I would let it go.

RubyViolet · 03/02/2020 20:14

I agree l would feel uncomfortable about my child spending overnights with someone you don’t know or are not related too. Can you explain this to your ex.
If he won’t hear you maybe you should see a family solicitor for a free consultation if possible. Some will give you 20 minutes for free.

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 20:15

I guess you’re right, Narcheska. It’s tricky when you don’t agree with your co parent I guess.

Seven year old is not unhappy so I guess that’s the main thing.

I don’t pretend to understand how they go about things though!

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AllHeart1 · 03/02/2020 20:16

I also don’t like that he’s staying with these people who I don’t know and their adult son who I also don’t know to be honest. but their father knows them. That is enough. Would you want him objecting to you e.g. sending him to stay with someone e.g. a friend’s parents who he, the ex didn’t know? Or having an independent relationship with your partner’s family?

Fact is that when couples split people will be introduced into the children’s lives who the other parent doesn’t know. It’s a whole new dynamic.

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 20:18

I actually work at a firm of solicitors and I did ask someone in family about this today after I found out about it on Sunday.

He said (as I kind of suspected) that assuming these people are no danger, then it’s really up to ex what he does if it’s not causing distress to my son.

I still don’t feel happy, and I don’t think it’s a good way to bond families together in difficult circumstances, but there you go I guess.

OP posts:
AllHeart1 · 03/02/2020 20:19

If he won’t hear you maybe you should see a family solicitor for a free consultation if possible. Some will give you 20 minutes for free. why? To dictate who the child spends time with while in the other parent’s care? Ridiculous. And remember, if the OP can dictate, then so can he, and how is any of this going to benefit the child exactly?

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 20:19

Allheart (sorry don’t know how to tag!) - but I DON’T send them away in my time with them! That’s my point really

OP posts:
Narcheska · 03/02/2020 20:23

But I guess the question is is he sending him away or is he choosing to go? Your ex's explanation makes it sound like he enjoys going away from his clingy sibling? My eldest loves going to my mums.

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 20:24

I know, and I know I can’t do anything about it. It’s just a decision I don’t understand, and I feel his bond with young children who can’t live with both parents full time is the must important thing and this isn’t a way to foster that?

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Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 20:25

Most! I’m crap at typing!

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Narcheska · 03/02/2020 20:49

I do get it. My eldest doesn't see his dad that often because he's always traveling for work which seems to clash with his weekends but it's how they chose to do it and often when he does have him I find out he's been to see my ex's mum. But I sorta made my peace a long time ago that I have no control or influence on what he does with his contact time and if I did have an opinion I ended up the bad guy so just though you do you.

Also means in return he has no say over my contact time.

RubyViolet · 03/02/2020 21:25

The child is not spending time with his Grandparents though, he’s staying over at his Father’s girlfriend’s parents.
The poster hasn’t met them.

Wallywobbles · 03/02/2020 21:26

All grandparental contact for both me and DH is done through us for all sides of the family. Both our ex's are no contact with their own parents.

RubyViolet · 03/02/2020 21:28

*Wifes parents

Narcheska · 03/02/2020 21:33

@RubyViolet I disagree sorry. My eldest is not my mils biological grandchild but she loves him like one, treats him equally to her other ones and he views her as a grandparent. He's stayed over there by choice and gets excited to go to grandmas 'milName' on a Sunday for lunch.

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 21:35

I mean, obviously I’m not a mad keen fan of hers, given how my relationship with the ex ended and the text messages I read from her during that time when I discovered it!

But there’s plenty of water under the bridge, I’m also happily remarried and the children seem happy enough with her as a step mum. I’m not bitter! I’d cry if for some god awful bizarre reason I had to get back with him!

However, we do co parent, mostly successfully and I don’t feel very happy with this situation as in my opinion it’s not the healthiest thing for the children.

Still. It’s what it is I guess. I had a conversation with him as I said, so I guess he can take it on board or not now.

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 21:37

I think maybe it’s a bit different for you Narcheska as I’m assuming (maybe wrongly!) that you, like me, have the majority of time with your children? I feel like ex is letting his quite short time at alternate weekends be eaten into if you see what I mean?

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Narcheska · 03/02/2020 21:44

I do but if your son isn't unhappy and enjoys it then maybe it's best just to be content that he's happy and cares for. They clearly enjoy having him and I think it's nice.

On the other hand my ex's Gf (she won't marry him) has no interest in my son from what I can tell from him. He says she just ignores him pretty much or goes out if he's there with her kids. When her parents come they also ignore him but spend a fortune on her children and take them out for days out and stuff. She has a rule ex can only had DS1 on weekends she has her kids too so it doesn't interfere with her free time with him. So it's not like he can avoid seeing that behaviour and he's a very clever boy he knows he can't expect the same as her parents give her kids because they're not his grandparents but he's 7 so does get hurt by it. I think I'd much prefer if her parents took an interest and were prepared to take him too etc (not that I expect them to buy I can't understand how someone can be thy cruel to a kid)

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 21:52

I guess you’re right and I’m sorry your son has a hard time there. It’s nicer if my son has a good relationship with his dads wife’s parents definitely than that! I am sorry it’s like that.

This just feels odd to me but I suppose I must trust that ex thinks he’s doing an ok thing and I think I’m doing the right thing in my time 🤷‍♀️

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Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 22:04

Maybe, I don’t know, but maybe because my husband is a parent (to a son and a daughter - teenagers, eldest son same age as my eldest at nearly twenty, daughter sixteen) he understands about kids and why I would want to not be with them when it’s my time to have them? As I say, ex’s wife is child free right now, but this could change any time soon now they are married and she may want children of her own?

My husband had his kids full time (well eldest is grown up and at uni now, but they do not have another parent as their mother died in a car accident when they were twelve and eight, tragically, so he’s been their only parent since. He’s very accepting of my children and understands why I would want them as much as possible.

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Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 22:05

Wouldn’t want! Almost every post I have typos! Sorry!

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Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 22:08

Hope that made sense! Essentially I’m just saying I don’t understand why my ex wouldn’t spend as much time as he can with both the younger boys?

OP posts: