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Original poster

Child staying with ex’s wife’s parents on dad’s contact time?

124 replies

CathyTre · 03/02/2020 19:27

I realise there’s nothing I can do about this, as it’s up to the kids’ father how he runs his life and what he does when it’s his weekend with our children.

But I still find it very odd that on his time at weekends (every other Friday and Saturday) our eldest son has been going to stay with his wife’s mum and dad and then going to church with them on Sunday mornings.

I don’t know these people (ex’s wife was the other woman, not that it matters, but obviously I don’t know her parents) but he obviously trusts them and knows them well and wouldn’t send son to people he didn’t trust obviously.

I just think it’s really odd and I don’t really like it! Every other Friday and Saturday, the children are with him and I miss them terribly when it’s his weekend. I wouldn’t dream of sending one or both somewhere else these weekends!

I have that time with my husband, they have their “child free” time when I have the children (about 70/30 split) so why would they do this?

OP posts:
RubyViolet · 03/02/2020 22:58

Totally what KTJeans says 👆

AllHeart1 · 03/02/2020 23:01

An awful lot of emotive language on this thread.

Child “being dumped” do we know this is the case? Perhaps the child is actually happy going there and, contrary to what the mn collective appear to think, considers these people to be as much family as the biological grandparents. All this family and non family connection generally means a lot less to children than it does to adults.

Secondly, while she may have been the OW once, fact is she is now the ex’s wife and the OP is remarried in her own right.

Whether the OP herself would let her children stay with others overnight is irrelevant here. The fact is that this is considered the father’s contact time but that actually means time for the child to have contact with the father. That shouldn’t ever mean that the child has contact exclusively with the father and no-one else. People are quick to complain when fathers refuse to take their children to parties and drop them at activities during their contact time because it is their time with the child. I suspect that this is more to do with who these people are than the fact that the child is staying at theirs.

The OP would be perfectly at liberty to e.g. hire a babysitter or allow the child to stay with the parents of a friend who the DH doesn’t know. Indeed there are parents on MN who have never even met their ex’s new partners and I would imagine most of those have the children without the fathers there at some point.

Just because one person doesn’t like it doesn’t mean that one person should get to call all the shots. If the child is happy there is it going to benefit them if the other parent puts their foot Down, goes to court and tries to prevent access to the father?

OP doesn’t have to like it or agree with it but remember this is a two way street. If she starts to dictate to the ex he could easily do the same to her. And in the meantime we have a child caught as a pawn in the middle.

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:04

Thing is though AllHeart - I haven’t stopped it or tried to. I know it’s his choice. I just don’t agree with his choice.

I haven’t tried to stop contact, or stop the kids going to their dad or doing anything have I?

I’ve accepted that this situation, whilst I think it’s not right, is happening.

So what are you arguing about?

OP posts:

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Families
ChristmasCarcass · 03/02/2020 23:05

Allheart did you miss that this is every single contact weekend? If it was an occasional thing, yes it would be silly to get worked up about unless the wife’s parents were mistreating him.

But spending none of the contact weekend with the parent you are meant to be having contact with, is pointless. It also creates division between the child who is allowed to stay with Daddy, and the child who is not allowed to stay, which is damaging.

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:07

And I consistently call the “ow” my ex’s wife. Because she is! I’m fine with that.

If you read my posts, I think they should be spending time building a family unit at their end. Particularly as they may have children soon who may be my children’s siblings!

OP posts:
Beseen19 · 03/02/2020 23:14

I dont think you are being unreasonable requesting a meeting with them. I would hate my son staying with a stranger every other weekend.

However, if he enjoys going and they enjoy having him it all sounds positive to me. He sounds like a very loved little boy and if they do go on to have children of their own then that relationship with his 'grandparents' will be a positive thing. I think if they made him feel like he was an inconvenience that would be much worse.

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:15

Agree

OP posts:
copperoliver · 03/02/2020 23:15

I'd put my foot down and say sorry but you don't want it to happen again.
Tell him if he doesn't want to look after your son he can leave him with you. X

RubyViolet · 03/02/2020 23:17

Allheart, OP is putting the child’s needs first not her husband’s or his wife’s family. Safeguarding always puts the children’s needs first.
Cathy l think you should speak to a non partial family solicitor and lay this out if the children’s Father won’t put his children first.

RubyViolet · 03/02/2020 23:21

I worry that this will create separation issues between your 2 kids if this is allowed to continue. And if they do have children together and continue this it will be a real problem as your 7 year old won’t bond with the new baby or feel part of that family.

copperoliver · 03/02/2020 23:22

I would not trust this situation. They are not great with either of your boys. This is very Weird maybe it's her nasty cow. Maybe she has a thing about boys. There is no way I'd stand for this I'd tell him either he keeps him with him or he stays with you. Simple.
How do you know what sort of people they have in their home. X.

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:22

I think I will suggest when I see my ex tomorrow that I would like to meet his wife’s parents if possible as they spending time in loco parentis for one of my children.

OP posts:
ColumbaPalumbus · 03/02/2020 23:22

If it's likely they will have children together then I think it's especially nice for your kids to have a bond with her parents. If the grandparents treat all the kids the same it will make things much easier down the line. My stepkids call my mum Nana just like their half-siblings. They've stayed at her house and are treated the same by her. It is bonding in a family for the grandparents to get to know and love their step-grand kids.

AllHeart1 · 03/02/2020 23:22

@ CathyTre you haven’t but there are others on the thread who are saying you should go to court and referring to his DW as the OW.

I likely wouldn’t agree with it either but if the child wasn’t unhappy with the arrangement then rocking the boat (as some are suggesting) could be equally detrimental.

You say he has said that the other child is difficult and that this is the only way the eldest gets to do his own thing. Is this true? If your younger child is particularly difficult is it possible that this too could have an impact on the older one?

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:23

*they are

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:25

Four year old not particularly difficult. Just four! So a little child and a January birthday whereas the other two were summer so not at school yet whereas they were when just four.

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:29

I don't split them up. I do net bc err why they do?

Obviously here they also spend time with their very big brother when he’s home. Very big brother not welcome on their weekends with dad: ex’s wife finds that “awkward” 😳

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:30

Weird typos above! Was meant to sdd asd y “understand”!

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Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:30

Oh for gods sake! More typos!!

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:30

Was meant to say!!

OP posts:
RubyViolet · 03/02/2020 23:32

And they didn’t invite the 3 kids to their wedding?

ChristmasCarcass · 03/02/2020 23:34

The seven year old isn’t welcome either though is he?

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/02/2020 23:35

The youngest two were invited. Wedding was hidden from eldest as she found it awkward

OP posts:
RubyViolet · 03/02/2020 23:35

I don’t think you should invoke the wife’s parents, l think your issue is with your ex husband. Try again to express your concerns to him about the kids wellbeing. Focus on that.

RubyViolet · 03/02/2020 23:37

So 2 of the kids are being marginalised and one is being favourited.