Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy partner not on board

91 replies

Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 05:33

Hi, i have had an unplanned pregnancy, but we are both 40 and have decent jobs. We haven’t been together for very long and he wants me to terminate it and try again after a year as we are not ready. I am not sure that I can do that as I want to keep it. Quite confused. It’s my first pregnancy and I really want kids. Previous relationship ended after ten years because he still wasn’t ready in late thirties.

OP posts:
MsChatterbox · 27/01/2020 05:40

I wouldn't terminate. Who is to say he will be ready in a year? This is your baby that you want. Do you have supportive family in case you need to do it alone?

Original poster
Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 05:42

Both our families are far away and not very helpful either. So if he’s not on board I’d have no support. That’s a big worry for me.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/01/2020 05:46

At 40 you don't have time to mess around. If you want a child, this might be your chance. If you don't want to do it alone, that's OK but if you are pinning your hopes on 'in a year' you may well end up with no baby.

Would you rather be a single mum or have no children? Because the relationship isn't the important thing at the moment.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy
TomeOfSomething · 27/01/2020 05:47

I think you need to plan for being alone.

MsChatterbox · 27/01/2020 05:48

I understand why it's a worry but people manage. If you knew this was your last chance of a baby would you still choose him?

EL8888 · 27/01/2020 05:52

I think the "in a year" comment by him is to just placate you. I am sure once that rolls around there will be some other reason and it will never be the right time. At the end of the day this your decision and it will impact on you the most. You need to think what you really want and not be unduly influenced by him. Even though the outcome might be that he isn't directly involved with you or the baby

whywhywhy6 · 27/01/2020 05:55

I’d keep the baby and ditch the boyfriend. Plan to go it alone. I know that is difficult but I think now is your chance.

MarieG10 · 27/01/2020 05:56

I wouldn't. A year is nothing but also everything at your age. You could end up bitterly regretting it. Go for it

Original poster
Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 05:59

He was happy at first but has turned to all negative thinking this will be too stressful and break us up. He wants us to spend more time together before we do this and have some more time to prepare. I kind of agree but what if we don’t get another pregnancy later or if he changes his mind. I am not 20 to afford to try and see what happens. But I’m quite scared of doing it alone

OP posts:
jellycatspyjamas · 27/01/2020 07:00

If you want a child I’d keep the pregnancy tbh, there’s nothing to say you’ll be able to get pregnant again - it’s much harder post 40 and carries more risk. How would it feel if you ended this pregnancy and found that you couldn’t get pregnant or that a year down the line he still wasn’t ready?

Original poster
Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 07:11

Thank you all, a lot of good advice and appreciate the votes of confidence to keep it. I suppose I find him wanting me to terminate it quite hurtful, and makes me doubt the other promises deep down. I feel if he talks me into ending it I would resent him

OP posts:
Original poster
Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 07:12

But I’m also not sure if it’s normal for men to get cold feet even if they want children “in theory”

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2020 07:15

You often see threads on here from women who were talked into a termination by their partner and dumped shortly afterwards.

You need to make the right decision for you, assuming you latter won’t be around if you continue the pregnancy. Counselling can help with this.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2020 07:15

Latter - partner

CodenameVillanelle · 27/01/2020 07:15

If you terminate and don't get pregnant again for whatever reason that will almost definitely break you up!

You're 40. You may not have another shot, especially not with this guy who will likely guard his sperm like the Crown Jewels if you terminate. Do you earn enough?

LimpLettice · 27/01/2020 07:21

At 40, when you know you want children, there's no way in hell I'd terminate. You'll regret it if you stay with him and he agrees to try but you can't fall pregnant. You'll regret if you stay and he refuses to try. You'll probably regret it even if you try, fall pregnant again and have a baby, because you'll always think of this one too. He's right, longer would've been better, but it's happened now and he can't turn the clock back.

Underhisi · 27/01/2020 07:21

The decision you need to make is whether or not you want to keep the pregnancy based on the fact there is a high chance he won't stay around. Trying in a year or so even if he means it, is unrealistic.

Original poster
Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 07:27

I have a decent career and salary but I’m financially supporting elderly parents overseas, am slim in savings and don’t have friends and family for support. I am still waiting for the initial midwife appointment so I also don’t know what support is available and I would like to give the child a good chance in life. Any advice on support would be great

OP posts:
Peanutbutterbean · 27/01/2020 07:31

It’s a hard situation for you to find yourself in. I think I would struggle not to continue with the pregnancy in case as you say a year down the line he still isn’t ready. How long have you been together?

CormoranStrike · 27/01/2020 07:35

He thinks a baby will break you up.

I’m fairly certain a forced termination will break you up.

I’d keep the baby and risk losing the partner - he may not be the eighth fit for you anyway.

At 40 this may be the only pregnancy you have.

Original poster
Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 07:35

Together nine months and just looking to move in

OP posts:
georgialondon · 27/01/2020 07:48

I was going to say exactly what @LimpLettice said.

HerkyBaby · 27/01/2020 07:48

Oh OP I really do think it’s now or never. I am sure that everyone will be very supportive. Stay calm and allow yourself to be delighted. I am thrilled for you . Big brave hugs x

TheoriginalLEM · 27/01/2020 07:49

I think he is panicking- understandable really as you haven't enjoyed time alone toget her. But at his age he must surely know about biology!

Keep the baby, he may come round , he likely will - if he doesn't he was never a keeper

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 07:52

Has he said he'll support you if you keep it?
Or would he just disappear?

Even if he doesn't want to stay with you and bring the baby up as a couple it doesn't mean he won't be a dad and co-parent.

Swipe left for the next trending thread