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Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy partner not on board

91 replies

Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 05:33

Hi, i have had an unplanned pregnancy, but we are both 40 and have decent jobs. We haven’t been together for very long and he wants me to terminate it and try again after a year as we are not ready. I am not sure that I can do that as I want to keep it. Quite confused. It’s my first pregnancy and I really want kids. Previous relationship ended after ten years because he still wasn’t ready in late thirties.

OP posts:

Dancingontheedge · 27/01/2020 07:58

He’s 40.
Does he already have children from a previous relationship?

jacqui5366 · 27/01/2020 08:04

Please don't terminate, it will be the best thing you will do to keep this little miracle, your partner will just be panicking, its a shock, but you have a good job, and the maturity to bring a child into this world and if you go it alone, it's not meant to be - god bless what ever you decide

inthehammock · 27/01/2020 08:05

I think limplettuce has covered it pretty comprehensively OP. But also you say very clearly in your first post you do not want to terminate. It may be hard to go it alone but the regret you will feel if you terminate if you don't want to will haunt you. I agree with PP that it has to be a now or never. Do not hand control of your happiness and chance to have a baby over to someone else who is unsure and offering vague possibilities for the future. I know it's a tough decision. I know someone who had an unplanned pregnancy in their early 40s and had to go it alone - she also had no family in this country and a career not compatible with single parenthood but has made it work and has a gorgeous 5 year old DC that she desperately wanted.

Good luck.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy

Tallilah · 27/01/2020 08:06

I had my baby last year and when I was still in hospital with all the hormones threads like this used to make me say HAVE THE BABY DITCH THE BLOKE
And I still say the same thing !

misspiggy19 · 27/01/2020 08:07

If you want the baby there is no way I would terminate at 40 years old.

KundaliniRising · 27/01/2020 08:11

This is where you need to be pragmatic, you are 40, this is your chance to have a child.

I would in your shoes plan to go at it alone.

Congratuations and good luck

Breastfeedingworries · 27/01/2020 08:15

I’m a single parent, different age as my dd was unplanned and born when I was 30.

I’ve had support and been lucky but I would’ve kept her even without the support as from experience (from friends and working with children) the first few years are the hardest. As children get older they can be a total joy and and comfort, help and your best friend.

If you want this baby please don’t terminate for a man. I was never pressured or asked to terminate and I wasn’t with dds father. I’m so grateful he never wanted me to as I would of hated him for it. The thought didn’t cross my mind.

It might end your relationship either way but your D.C. is worth it. It’s a different kind of love.

Be brave, wish you the best with your choice xx

Ellmau · 27/01/2020 08:25

You may well not conceive again so if you want a baby, ever (and you obviously do), I would go ahead, even if it means life as a single mum.

Christmaspug · 27/01/2020 08:25

If he’s not ready now ,he won’t be ready in a year
Don’t terminate,you have friends ,a job ,a home ,you have family u could visit.you could move soon ,to be near family ?
Lots and lots of women make an excellent job of being the only parent in their Little family .
At 40 you may not get pregnant again.

TheReef · 27/01/2020 08:39

I hate to say this but at your age this might be your only shot at having a child. I tried to conceive my 2nd in my late 30s and couldn't. We both had all the tests and there was no reason why it didn't happen , my Dr said it was probably due to my age.

stuckinthemiddlewithtwats · 27/01/2020 09:22

I had a similar situation about 14mths ago. I was 34 though so a little bit younger. My DP did not want the baby as we basically hadn't known each other long enough. He didn't ever want to be a dad and had long thought of booking in for a vasectomy.
Same as you, I would have no family support if I continued alone. My main issue was that I commute for almost 5hrs a day which would mean it would be impossible to continue in my job - I wouldn't get anything close to my wage in my local area which would mean I would struggle continually financially. I didn't want this as I was brought up very poor and it affected my life a lot.

I surprised myself how much I wanted that baby and I was very attached. I didn't think it was fair to force him to be a dad when he didn't want to be and I didn't think I could cope alone (I assumed we'd break up) so I made the difficult decision to terminate. I pretty much put my DP through hell afterwards (due to both hormones and anger) assuming he didn't care about me, I resented him and told him I always would. Said he'd put himself above me etc. At the time I really did feel that way - but he stayed put and took the abuse because he felt he deserved it. I also assumed it would be my only chance at having a baby due to age, my previous health issues and the fact that my DP wasn't willing to be a dad.

About 7mths later, we had a contraceptive failure on the first day of a two week holiday abroad and I got pregnant again. I was dreading telling him but he was great. Our baby is due in a month and he's way more excited than I am. His decision about the first baby was right, and we are in a much better place now (he admitted he'd been worried for his job safety more than anything and didn't think he'd be able to provide properly for us). He's even dropping hints about a second baby .

Sorry my story is long but I hope it helps to know that other people have been through the same thing.
Do you think your partner is placating you with the 'we can try again in a year' spiel? Or do you genuinely believe him?
Try to do some sums on how much you could actually afford if you were to go through with the pregnancy alone. Be sensible about whether you could actually cope without help from family.
Do you think a termination would break up your relationship anyway? You will need a very honest conversation with him on this subject - he has to understand that you will blame him for it and he would deserve all he got.
Have you had fertility tests? Could you have them done? All my relatives got pregnant in their 40s with no problem (no one has had children early, or tried to) but it may not be the case for you.
Realistically you may not be together in a year's time. Plenty of relationships are fine for the first year or so and then the differences crop up and the relationship ends.

Dowser · 27/01/2020 09:32

He sounds very immature for 40 op
I think I’d take my baby and go home back to where there’s love and support.
If you have this child but he doesn’t support you you could find in a couple of years time he suddenly gets ‘interested’ in a cute little toddler as he has no children but blocks your every move to take your child back to your homeland
It’s happened loads to women in some of the fb groups I’m in.
They don’t even have to live overseas, some of these previously uninterested fathers won’t allow the mothers to move a couple of hundred miles to be near their parents/ siblings.

Think very carefully about your next moves as it could seriously impact on your future.
He’s telling you what he is already.
Someone who can’t be relied upon.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 09:35

*He sounds very immature for 40 op
*
He's not immature for not wanting an unplanned baby...

5zeds · 27/01/2020 09:36

Don’t terminate a wanted (even if not planned) pregnancy.

Clymene · 27/01/2020 09:40

Your relationship will end if you have a termination. Never have one because a man wants you to.

In terms of support, check out your employer maternity policy.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/01/2020 09:43

terminate it and try again after a year

He doesn't sound immature, he sounds like someone who does not want a baby and is saying you can try again soon to persuade you to terminate. That is it in a nutshell. He is afraid that if he says he just doesn't want a baby you'll think right this is my last chance and keep it. And he'll be liable to pay for it.

I am willing to bet that once you have terminated he will breathe a massive sigh of relief and disappear.

If you want a baby, and you are 40 now, I very much think that this is your likely last chance.

Don't terminate. I think you'll bitterly regret it. Your only question here is being sure enough that you can go it alone to bite the bullet and do it. And while you can never really appreciate how hard it can be or anticipate all the difficulties, the general answer here is that if you really want a baby, doing it alone is super hard but is better a thousand times than always regretting being childless.

So I would just tell him you are not terminating.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/01/2020 09:44

Oh and yes of course - if you terminate for him and he stays, your relationship will crack apart anyway - you'll never ever forgive him.

Limpshade · 27/01/2020 09:46

It sounds as though you have spent plenty of time already "waiting" with a previous partner and I'm not sure what difference a year would make, honestly? DH and I had our baby when we'd already been together 10 years and it still tested our relationship.

In your position and wanting a baby, there's no way I would terminate. But equally you cannot "make" him be a father.

Bluerussian · 27/01/2020 10:01

Manuela78 Mon 27-Jan-20 07:12:46
But I’m also not sure if it’s normal for men to get cold feet even if they want children “in theory”
.......
Yes it is not at all uncommon, they often panic. The panic doesn't always last thank goodness.

In your position I would not have a termination but you must at least be prepared to go it alone. That isn't ideal (I hope it doesn't work out that way), but it is possible. Weigh everything up and work out if you can do it, what child care you can afford - he will have to contribute and do his share even if not living with you. Then make some plans.

Good luck and, tentatively, congratulations.

Original poster

Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 10:32

Hi all, lots to think about and some really encouraging words here. Neither of us have other children. I don’t think he is malicious but it’s unclear if he will want to stay if I proceed. My gut is he will want to be involved in some way but is feeling scared this will be too much stress for a new relationship. He says he wants a family with me and I don’t thinks it’s a lie, but I worry I won’t conceive again. I also feel really attached to this baby and think it would be very sad to terminate

OP posts:

Original poster

Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 10:34

He also fees he is losing out on the attention due to baby planning - such a typical male response I guess

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 27/01/2020 10:35

OP, really, don't terminate

He may be lying. It's actually fairly likely that he is. Not in a total bastard way, might just be panic and not being sure but the fact is he's 40 and so are you and he's pushing you to terminate... he will not want to try again in a year. He will want to put it off.

From a relationship point of view, to be blunt - if you don't terminate, the realtionship might not survive. If you do, it definitely won't survive.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/01/2020 10:36

He also fees he is losing out on the attention due to baby planning

Woah. Ok. Game over.

If that's the kind of bloke he is - at forty - then you are absolutely 100% on a hiding to nothing.

Keep your baby, because you sure as absolute hell are not swapping motherhood for anything even slightly worth having with this guy. And yes, I change what I said before - he is lying to you. 100%. He won't want a baby with you. He's a twat!

Damntheman · 27/01/2020 10:36

I would also worry I wouldn't concieve again. It'd be once thing if you were thirty, but forty is a whole other barrel of fish.

You need to do what's right for you OP, what you think you can live with and what you know you can't. It's you that matters most here.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/01/2020 10:37

No it isn't a typical male response - speaking as someone with a great DH who loves his children and puts them first.

It's a typical twat response.

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