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Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy partner not on board

91 replies

Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 05:33

Hi, i have had an unplanned pregnancy, but we are both 40 and have decent jobs. We haven’t been together for very long and he wants me to terminate it and try again after a year as we are not ready. I am not sure that I can do that as I want to keep it. Quite confused. It’s my first pregnancy and I really want kids. Previous relationship ended after ten years because he still wasn’t ready in late thirties.

OP posts:
LimpLettice · 27/01/2020 10:59

Yeah, that's not a typical male response, op, it's a vile one. If he's feeling like he's not getting enough attention at the idea of a baby, he's going to be a petulant child at the reality of one. Even if he says he wants to be involved, he won't suddenly step up and be decent, I'm afraid, and he certainly won't try again in year of you did terminate.

I feel for you but you know what they say, there's never really the perfect time to have a baby, except there is, when you really want one. You can make the rest work, somehow. I was on my own with my first, working, responsible job and a mortgage, and I'm happy to say my DD had an excellent start and is absolutely thriving ten years later.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2020 11:01

Did he say that he was missing out on attention?

Original poster
Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 11:11

He says he was looking forward to us moving in together travelling and getting to know one another, and now that will all be taken over by baby preparations, and he is sad to miss out a pet of the relationship

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy
PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2020 11:13

I think that’s quite different to missing out in attention. To be honest, that’s quite an understandable way to feel.

CormoranStrike · 27/01/2020 11:15

He also fees he is losing out on the attention due to baby planning

Urgh, is walk way from him for this alone, boohoo.

WhAt aman child

GeePipe · 27/01/2020 11:16

Sorry op but have the baby. I had an unplanned pregnancy that ended in november and dp was not on board at all the entire time. When it ended i asked to try again and he keeps saying maybe in 2 or 3 years and deep down i know he means never because he already has a child. This is what these men do. Whats going to be different in a year apart from you being a year older and an even higher risk pregnancy? Nothing sorry to say. Have the baby op x

CormoranStrike · 27/01/2020 11:16

Oh, your update puts it in a slightly more understandable light.

addictedtotheflats · 27/01/2020 11:18

I definitely wouldnt terminate, truth is you can really truly never be "ready" for a child. Myself and my DP are early 30's very average salaries and although we have very supportive families none are local and we can't rely on friends at all for help, not sure I would burden them with that anyway and we manage absolutely fine. I feel like you will deeply regret a termination and there is a possibility that you may not conceive naturally again. For the sake of a year I think your partner is being extremely selfish and is putting you in a horrible position. It is your body your choice and a man shouldnt feel like he is entitled to push a decision like this on to you.

Breastfeedingworries · 27/01/2020 11:57

What are your thoughts now op?

Do you think you will keep the baby? Flowers

Original poster
Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 11:59

I will have to see whether I can afford to do it alone, if I can I will keep it. A lot to think about!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2020 12:01

It isn’t a decision you need to make alone. You can access counselling.

Original poster
Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 12:08

Any recommendations on counselling? Will the midwife be able to recommend it? I am also still waiting to confirm that it’s all going well and healthy before making any big decisions. If it’s healthy at 12 weeks I don’t think I can terminate

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2020 12:14

How far along do you think you are now?

Original poster
Manuela78 · 27/01/2020 12:18

About 7-8 weeks

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 27/01/2020 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Urkiddingright · 27/01/2020 12:35

You can contact either Marie Stopes or BPAS, they have 24 hour free helplines available and someone will be able to talk to you. Anything you are concerned about, they will listen to and advise accordingly. You are always welcome to free counselling before opting for a termination too so if you change your mind, no biggie at all.

At your age I wouldn’t terminate, it may be your only chance. I don’t think the relationship would last even if you did terminate, you’d resent him and I also know women who have terminated to placate the man then been dumped straight after which is sad.

PatellarTendonitis · 27/01/2020 12:37

He also fees he is losing out on the attention due to baby planning - such a typical male response I guess

Manuela, I feel sorry for you because you've really been saddled with some seriously bastard men. No, this is not a typical response, you've found yet another bloke like your ex-partner who wants to stall and has very unrealistic ideals about the reality of female fertility (or knows exactly what's what and doesn't care as long as they get what they want, which is a lovely girlfriend on their terms).

Do NOT terminate a wanted pregnancy for anyone. Anyone. NO ONE is worth that. NO ONE.

Do not listen to his twaddle about 'Waa! I wanted to do move in and travelling and we'll try next year!' a) it's bullshit b) not realistic for a 40-year-old woman who wants children. He needs to find someone 30 to do that kind of thing and well, it's too late now.

You will find a way to do this. As for 'support', well, start getting to know people in your area, even lone parent groups, etc.

But you will do this. Forget about him. Tell him you need some space. He may try to start bullying and coercing you to get his way. His talk of 'in a year' is utter poppycock, though. Nope. Don't fall for it.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 27/01/2020 12:38

Google "pregnancy counselling" and the name of local towns or cities. Your gp surgery may be able to help if you can't find something yourself.

You do have a lot to consider and talking it through with a trained bystander should be helpful. If you want to write a list of considerations do it here or on paper. It should help.

pusspuss9 · 27/01/2020 12:40

everybody has pointed out the positives of which there are many, but there could be some negatives which the OP needs to also think about the balance the equation.

It's very difficult to be alone with sleepless nights one after the other. There is a possibility that the baby would have special needs , especially taking into account the OP's age. Were anything to happen to her who would take care of the child? The OP speaks as if there is no wider family or support around her. Could she afford child care if she needed to continue working? Lots of issues that need to be taken into account.

Lunafortheloveogod · 27/01/2020 12:50

You appear to already have a toddler.. he’s just 40 and hasn’t grown out of that stage yet. He’s jealous his future child’s taking his attention away already? He wants to wait a year.. takes 9 months for the baby to come out so it won’t be far off a year before he’s actually not getting his bedtime routine Hmm.

The year thing is just to pacify you, in a year he’ll have a new reason.. all the fun travelling “we could never do this with kids” the bills of living together and the lifestyle he’s used to “we could never afford kids” and before you know it it’s too late.

If you want this baby you have it. Yes it’ll be difficult if you’ve to do it alone, it might be tight financially and all the other shit bits of motherhood but you can do it.

The man might bugger off if you stop paying him enough attention or won’t do what he wants about something totally different in a few months. I get it’s maybe a lot to take in for him too but there’s a difference between shock and “i won’t get as much attention” from a 40year old.

MurrayTheMonk · 27/01/2020 13:37

I was in your position last year OP and I did terminate. I've regretted it every single day since and it has had a very negative effect on me and my relationship with DP-not sure we will last as a result to be honest.

Everyone is different of course but if I had my time again I wouldn't make the same choice.

SVRT19674 · 27/01/2020 13:40

I'm gobsmacked that your partner would want you to go through a thoroughly traumatising experience so he can try again in a few months time. There is no man alive on earth I would do this for. Start planning solo. I think he is stringing you along. You are 40 as you say, if you want a child go for it.

slipperywhensparticus · 27/01/2020 13:45

Go on entitled to see what you can have as a single parent

Is supporting your parents....something they will expect you to continue doing when your a parent yourself? (That's worded badly I hope you understand it)

PatellarTendonitis · 27/01/2020 14:12

Go on entitled to see what you can have as a single parent

As she's on a good salary it might not be much if anything as it is all UC now. Also if she is from abroad, OP, do look into the ins and outs of staying in the UK long-term and putting this man on the birth certificate and giving the baby his surname. It might be better for you to return to your home country whilst pregnant, tbh. But no way should you terminate a wanted pregnancy for a man.

startrek90 · 27/01/2020 15:53

Don't terminate if you don't want to. I turned 30 this year and we wanted to have a 3rd child but it has not happened for no reason the Drs could figure out. It was my age. I imagine at 40 it will be even harder. Please don't have a termination unless you can honestly say that you would be OK never having children at Al because that's the decision here. As for the bloke- ditch him. He sounds like a selfish cock. No man is worth you giving up your dreams of a family for.