How would you punish DD?

[Seasonalanxiety]

DD is 14. Yesterday she was supposed to meet friends in central London for the afternoon, shop, have dinner and be back at her friend's house for a sleepover by 9.30.

I am a strict parent according to DD. I still track her phone, check with parents if she's having a sleepover, remove devices at 10pm. Her friends are all lovely but seem less supervised which makes me anxious. They are all very privileged but seemingly have a lot more freedom than I allow DD. However DD has been very depressed recently due to other issues and had been self harming. These friends are kind, super supportive and have done wonders for her state of mind.

So this morning I check her tracker. She only got home at midnight! I'm furious about this but at least they were travelling in a big group (6 girls). However the worst thing is that they then went out again at 2.30 to the McDonalds at the end of the road whilst the mother slept on a different floor. They got home at 3.00am.
I'm so angry I don't know what to do with myself. DD has admitted it all, not lied or made excuses, apologised and said she knew it was a bad choice but she didn't want to be the only one not going. She's begging me not to tell friends mum.

I'm thinking no more sleepovers with friends and limiting her interactions with them as I need to keep her safe. However we've only just been confident enough in her mental health to return the sharp knives back to the kitchen and these girls are a big reason why. And they are nice girls. They have been kind and inclusive and they are clever and play sport and participate in life- they are just allowed more freedom than I'm comfortable with.

Dd upstairs sobbing. Please no one tell me to ban her from seeing them entirely until you've gone round your house removing all the sharp objects because your daughter is so miserable.

I just have no idea how to handle it.

I've made it clear how upset and angry I am. I've explained why. Now what?

I’m so glad this technology wasn’t around when I was downing cheap vodka in a field with my friends a teenager, my mum was much better off not knowing what I was up to

I agree with others that she shouldn’t be punished but a frank talk about expectations (on both sides) is needed. I understand why you feel protective of her though, given her history.

I get the mental health thing. That really shits you up as a parent.

It was better she stayed with her friends and got back late.

Going McDonald's lates ounds a bit of fun, not ideal but not too bad. Better she took her phone in case anything happened, despite the tracking.

Yes I would be mad if it was mine, because you worry about the what it's, even though you know other kids that age are capable of doing that.

Having rigid rules in place at her age puts her between a rock and a hard place. If she adheres to your rule and goes home early - she does so alone which effectively is more risky. If she stays with the group - which is the more sensible choice - she gets into trouble for not following your rule. What is the poor girl to do?! Damned if she does, damned if she doesn't.

Better than rigid rules is to have guidelines in place which allow flexibility depending on the situation - so that she is empowered to make the more sensible and safer choice given the circumstances at the time. Important life skill for anyone to learn. She should be commended for staying with the group. My parents were strict but the biggest no-no of all was to go off on your own or to leave someone else on their own.

I think you've done well Op, you've read and responded to replies and are willing to look at your actions, talk things through and reconsider your parenting and all with a traumatic event in the past making everything more complicated.

My DM tracked me, only back then there were no mobiles so she used my dad. I'd be out with a friend and see their car go past or walking with a feeling I was being followed only to see my father. It was frankly awful.

As it transpired my parents had lost my sister at birth and we're utterly paranoid about me and my safety. I was a kid and didn't understand why I couldn't be out past 8pm at 15 so I rebelled big time. By the time I was 17 I walked out of the house one night without a word and didn't come back for a year with nobody knowing where I was.

I was desperate to be a normal teenager and felt that had been denied for me.
Tread carefully OP. It's a fine line between safety and paranoia.