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Original poster

How would you punish DD?

105 replies

Seasonalanxiety · 26/01/2020 15:59

DD is 14. Yesterday she was supposed to meet friends in central London for the afternoon, shop, have dinner and be back at her friend's house for a sleepover by 9.30.

I am a strict parent according to DD. I still track her phone, check with parents if she's having a sleepover, remove devices at 10pm. Her friends are all lovely but seem less supervised which makes me anxious. They are all very privileged but seemingly have a lot more freedom than I allow DD. However DD has been very depressed recently due to other issues and had been self harming. These friends are kind, super supportive and have done wonders for her state of mind.

So this morning I check her tracker. She only got home at midnight! I'm furious about this but at least they were travelling in a big group (6 girls). However the worst thing is that they then went out again at 2.30 to the McDonalds at the end of the road whilst the mother slept on a different floor. They got home at 3.00am.
I'm so angry I don't know what to do with myself. DD has admitted it all, not lied or made excuses, apologised and said she knew it was a bad choice but she didn't want to be the only one not going. She's begging me not to tell friends mum.

I'm thinking no more sleepovers with friends and limiting her interactions with them as I need to keep her safe. However we've only just been confident enough in her mental health to return the sharp knives back to the kitchen and these girls are a big reason why. And they are nice girls. They have been kind and inclusive and they are clever and play sport and participate in life- they are just allowed more freedom than I'm comfortable with.

Dd upstairs sobbing. Please no one tell me to ban her from seeing them entirely until you've gone round your house removing all the sharp objects because your daughter is so miserable.

I just have no idea how to handle it.

I've made it clear how upset and angry I am. I've explained why. Now what?

OP posts:

user163578742 · 26/01/2020 16:26

help develop sensible guidelines for keeping safe rather than rigid overly harsh rules

I do think this probably needs to be a key part of moving forward.

muddledmidget · 26/01/2020 16:26

I wouldn't punish her. Yes to us, McDs at 2.30am seems mad, but I'm sure if I had that option at a sleepover I'd have done it. Maybe just use it as an opportunity for her to discuss whether she thinks it was a wise thing to do, and how she will handle it in the future if her friends come up with a seriously unwise idea. (going to a house party of 20 y/o taking drugs rather than buying a big mac in a staffed shop that probably had security). Also don't do anything that will encourage her to just leave her phone at home next time. You are privileged that you have that insight into her life, but she can quickly hide it from you, and you would never really know

crochetandshit · 26/01/2020 16:28

I agree that midnight is too late for 6 14yo to be travelling round London, and now you know that the hosts parent doesn't think that so you can allow or not allow the next invite based on that.

I also agree the sneaking out at 2.30am was stupid, but I can empathise with the peer pressure, the feeling of excitement and they weren't randomly wandering they were at the end of the road in a staffed, well lit place and agree with the idea of it being akin to a midnight feast but with hot chips.

It's hard op, I would be so wary of isolating your dd from these friends.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds Families

Nonnymum · 26/01/2020 16:28

I agree with PP don't punish her. I'm not sure what else she could have done really if the others were staying out. I think you need a conversation with her so she fully understands why you are l upset. And perhaps you should suggest she doesn't have any sleepovers with them until she is older. But apart from that I would leave it. She knows she did wrong and is upset by it. Punishing her any more won't achieve anything

cornishclottedcream · 26/01/2020 16:30

I think she has probably had enough punishment by you finding out. Go and sit with her and talk calmly. Yes she did a silly thing, but ultimately she was with a group of friends that you like and have been good for her. Teenagers do make poor decisions sometimes but that is all part of growing up.
I agree that you tell her that this is her one 'get out of jail free' card. This time there will be no harsh consequences, but if anything like this happens again, then you will not be so forgiving.
My DD said I was a strict parent in comparison to others but she was never afraid to call and ask if there was a situation with which she was uncomfortable and get our approval. Her stock reply to anything she wasn't sure of, was " I'll just check". It worked for us and meant that there were no nasty surprises for her or us. Her friends used to say that if CornishClotted said something was okay, then it would be fine for them too.
It is hard being a parent, we see all the pitfalls but it is hard being a teenager too. Build up that mutual trust and respect between you and when she turns 18, she'll have the skills to manage adult life when away from home.

user163578742 · 26/01/2020 16:30

Something you could look at together thinking about safety in future perhaps?

www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/FAQs/Category/personal-safety

Original poster

Seasonalanxiety · 26/01/2020 16:30

Ok. I'm calmer. Really surprised by the comments- but in a good way. I was expecting the usual MN thing when I'd be told that 16 year olds are still sent to bed at 9.30 and it's apparently illegal for them to be unsupervised....
I really really didn't want to do anything further but was worried i should be. I hadn't thought about the staying with friends thing- you are all correct, it was safer, and I'd have been furious with her going anywhere alone.

It's just all been so sudden. She met these girls over the summer. Her previous friendship group were all vile to her but they never really did anything or went anywhere so I was used to that. This group are great fun and very social and DD is loving it but I'm not used to it. There's been no gradual buildup and I admit I am really anxious about her due to everything.

I just need her to be happy AND safe.

OP posts:

crochetandshit · 26/01/2020 16:33

This group are great funand very social and DD is loving it but I'm not used to it. There's been no gradual buildup and I admit I am really anxious about her due to everything.
I just need her to be happy AND safe

Tell her this op

Quartz2208 · 26/01/2020 16:36

But her safety is moving over from being your responsibility to hers. You cannot keep her safe by keeping her indoors and your anxiety about her safety is sadly I suspect part of her mental health issues.

You need to stop tracking her movements that will help neither of your mental health. You need to create boundaries and rules which are age appropriate and sensible and not driven by anxiety and a need to keep,her safe. Your job is too teach her how to be independent and think for herself about her own safety and what that means

Wishforsnow · 26/01/2020 16:37

What was she thinking taking her phone to mcds at 2:30 when it's tracked! She should have left it at the house then she wouldn't have been caught.

Hercwasonaroll · 26/01/2020 16:38

She was safe. She was with a group of her have her back. She would have been less safe separated from them.

You've made the right decision to not punish her. She should reward you with honesty going forward. Harsh boundaries can lead to lying.

(a tracker only tells you where she is if she takes it with her. Some teens have wised up and started leaving their phone where they are supposed to be and going where they like!)

InkogKneeToe · 26/01/2020 16:40

I wouldn't punish her, she's been truthful and is showing genuine remorse. By punishing you're risking that she's going to continue the behaviour but cover it up. I think I'd go down the route of trust and expectations and that I'd want to know these things in advance. At least that way if something untoward did happen and the "supervising" parent was unaware of where they were, at least someone was.

fjreflycaramel · 26/01/2020 16:41

If she is staying overnight at a friend's house then surely it's up to her friend's mother to set a time when they have to be back? You can let the friend's Mum what you do of course but it's up to her and not you.

Sumsuch · 26/01/2020 16:42

Maybe it's time to have a conversation with her about why you have imposed limits. Maybe not the self harming, but that she could have found herself in real trouble

halfemptynest · 26/01/2020 16:43

What Quartz said in bucket loads. Your job as a parent is to allow her to learn how to live as an adult.

AxeOfKindness · 26/01/2020 16:44

I agree with the majority of posters on here, for what it's worth. It sounds as though she's found some happiness and although you're right to lecture her on safety and keep her aware, realistically a) she's going to be free to go where she wants in a few short years so better that she had some experience of making these choices and b) we all, all did silly, unsafe things our mothers would be horrified by to one extent or another at this age, testing our independence, but they couldn't track us to know about it!

Don't be too hard on her. If she's upstairs sobbing, it's probably time to comfort her and have a calm, grown up conversation about how much you love her and want her to be safe but understand she's growing up and need to be able to trust and be honest with each other. Big hugs all round, bit of perspective and no drama.

Original poster

Seasonalanxiety · 26/01/2020 16:45

Re. the tracking it was instituted after a couple of incidents during her MH crisis when she was harming herself and then went missing. We both agreed to it. I honestly wasn't this anxious mess prior to last year but the last 12 months have been hellish. My anxiety re DD is caused by the MH situation which itself was triggered by a specific terrible thing that happened.

It's all such a mess but I was so happy that she found nice friends finally.

Am about to head upstairs bearing hot chocolate and a calmer state of mind.
Thanks

OP posts:

AxeOfKindness · 26/01/2020 16:47

@wishforsnow I laughed out loud at that and nearly woke my sleeping baby!

FoamingAtTheUterus · 26/01/2020 16:48

God I feel so sorry for teenagers today. Tracking your daughter's move is not on. And tbh creepy as hell. Going to McDonald's at the end of the road really isn't a massive issue. The bogeyman doesn't come on the prowl after midnight, kids in a group will be pretty safe. And need to be allowed to have a bit of freedom.

Keep on like this and when the dangerous temptations such as drugs and alcohol come up you're going to be screwed because she'll just get sneakier and won't want to tell you anything. And It will be your own fault.

DecemberSnow · 26/01/2020 16:49

She couldnt of left them all in central London and come home on her own.

She may of felt she couldnt say anything.

Kids creeping out to Mcdonalds in the middle of the night, is so normal.

Shes 14... She growing up.

She didnt lie.

Let it be.... But talk to her again about safety and being honest

@EducatingArti A safeguarding issue?
14 year olds being out in a group...
It really isn't a safeguarding issue at all !!!

MarySidney · 26/01/2020 16:52

What was she thinking taking her phone to mcds at 2:30 when it's tracked! She should have left it at the house then she wouldn't have been caught.

Yes, that should come under the heading of 'things I did that my parents never knew about.'

And am I the only one who thinks that going for MacD's at 2am sounds like fun?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 26/01/2020 16:52

I would feel massively violated at having my phone tracked. I would speak to her and remove the tracker. It’s very controlling.

Instead, teach her what to do if she feels unsafe. Tell her to ring you immediately and you will go and get her regardless of whether she’s where she’s meant to be or not, no punishment to follow. Tell her to ring the police if she’s worried about someone else’s behaviour in public and you wouldn’t get there quick enough. Tell her never to leave a friend by them self or be the friend left behind.

Shmithecat2 · 26/01/2020 16:52

Yeah, ease up OP. I understand you're worried, but she wasn't out alone, she didn't lie, and she came to no harm. Give her a little freedom, you both might benefit for it.

Holdingtherope · 26/01/2020 16:54

I agree with pp you need to relax. I understand why you have been anxious and I would be the same.

It’s so hard though to know what to do. We are all just fumbling through. Hope chat went well

Lindy2 · 26/01/2020 16:56

She'll start leaving her phone behind if you use it to check up on her to this extent or she will switch off the tracker. You are taking the tracking of her movements too far.

So they did exactly as planned regarding the trip into London and returned to the friends house as agreed for the sleepover. They snuck out at 2.30am for half an hour for a teenager adventure to McDonald's.

Did you expect your DD to be a the only one to not go? In a group of 6 it was a bit naughty but not exactly dangerous and they were only out for half an hour.

Loosen up and let your DD have these experiences. It will probably help her self confidence and mental health. It was IMO a fairly low risk adventure. If your DD learns how to safely handle herself in this type of situation at age 14 then she's better equipped to handle higher risks at age 16, 18 etc when you really won't be able to track her and impose punishments.

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