Would you say this is unacceptable or is it just a child being a child?

[BringOnTheBotox]

I went to a friends house for a quick coffee yesterday afternoon after the school run.

Her 8 year old DD was there. She has often been a bit rude/cheeky to me but I've never taken much notice. She is quite spoilt as she has four older brothers. Yesterday however she was, I feel, incredibly rude to me and I don't think I'll be going to my friends house again.

Firstly, when I arrived my friend asked me if I wanted a coffee. I said 'yes please' and my friend told me to sit down at her kitchen table, and we were chatting. Her DD then walked right up to me, pointed in my face and said 'LAZY! Don't just sit there! Help her make coffee!'. I didn't say anything and my friend just laughed it off.

Then, as we were chatting, her daughter kept giggling and coming up and whispering in her ear. My friend listened each time rather than telling her it was rude to whisper, and kept giggling. After about the third time the mum tickled her when she'd whispered and said to her jokingly 'No, you're the witch', and the girl then pointed at me and said 'No, SHE'S the ugly witch'. My friend once again just laughed but it was clear that her DD's whispers to her had been insults about me.

I didn't say anything but after a couple of minutes I said I had a few things to do so had to get going, and left. I don't plan on going round there again.

Am I being too sensitive or was it unacceptable behaviour from an NT 8 year old?

Yes, both rude, though the parent far more at fault than the child — but I agree with pps that you compounded the situation by not tackling it calmly at the time — ‘That wasn’t a nice thing to say, X etc’ — rather than doing nothing and now saying you’re never going there again.

This way, no one wins — a child’s poor behaviour and an adult’s crappy parenting go unchallenged, and you lose a friend you’re presumably fond of.

Certainly rude! And the mother laughing it off is really worrying: with the coffee incident, it could be embarrassment, but with the whispering, it seems to be collusion at some level.

I am usually fairly indulgent toward a child's bad manners; but this seems to be not just lack of manners, but deliberate aggressiveness. And not just being 'out of control', as if she were truly out of control she would not have whispered but spoken out loudly.

Maybe there is something behind it - e.g. perhaps those older brothers are constantly putting her down in similar ways - but it's still not a laughing matter.

Mmmm not so sure it’s not the child’s fault mintymabel the mother should be teaching her to be less obnoxious obviously, but some children just aren’t rude and obnoxious in the first place. We are not all born with delightful personalities sadly, some children need a bit more knocking into shape than others. Some grow out of being horrid brats, others never do.

Where you have to feel sorry for the child is that it appears her mother making any attempt to teach her to be less horrid. But the mother isn’t necessarily responsible for her DDs innate character in the first place.

I wouldnt let my children act like this at all and it looks as if the mum isnt parenting her at all and just letting her do whatever she wants :S she is going to get a rude awakening call when the girl is older , it may have been cute to her when she was younger and just a child but when she is a teenager bullying others then she will see

It’s not really this child’s fault she’s like this- it’s down to her upbringing by the sounds of it and she’s being brought up to be a total horror. My son isn’t NT btw but as his mother it’s my job to teach him not to be rude to people. He can be a bit blunt but I’d mortified if he spoke to anyone the way this little girl spoke to you.

Agreed with the others, the child isn’t being given any guidance on acceptable or kind behaviour from the mother. Eldest child has a tendency to be a bit like this if allowed, and wound tantrum like a 3 year old if pulled up on it. The consequences were no days out with others, attending parties or sleepovers and refusing holidays with others. She knows why. Recently her behaviour has been much better, but she still gets sat down before we see other people and ground rules about manners and sharing are reinforced. She knows if she breaks these then she won’t be allowed to go to others for a long time. I feel horrible at times for doing it but if I don’t sort it now by the time she’s a teenager it’s going to be awful and she’s going to struggle with friendships. The parents should be taking charge of this now and teaching her about being kind.

sounds like the school bitch is training her successor. I wouldn't bother with either again.

Giving your DC good social skills and the ability to be likeable by other adults is a massive advantage- more valuable by far than violin lessons or even exam results.

Bloody rude! I'd be horrified if my kids spoke to someone like that!

My kids are autistic but they would get taken to one side and spoken to if they ever called one of my friends an ugly witch!

It makes you wonder what's going on in the mum's head that she thinks it's ok for her dd to behave like that. Probably "Aww bless! Kids say the funniest things!"

That's appalling behaviour.

The mother should've apologised!! The girl was rude but if the parents aren't correcting her she will think he behaviour is acceptable/allowed.

The knee jerk reaction is to dislike the child and no doubt she will be disliked everywhere but the crux of the issue is that the mother is doing the girl a terrible disservice. It's tragic that a young girl will be ruined by her nasty short sighted stupid mother .
I would have left at the whispering stage , I couldn't have done anything else I would have been so shocked.
Poor kid .

@Bluntness100
Or maybe she's just an awful child!

By 8, the mother is not the only influence on the child and they've had about 4 years of having to behave to certain standards in school. In youth groups by that age, we've had children raised with an "interesting" standard of parenting but trained the child to an appropriate standard (then watch them revert back to what their parent tolerates when their parent returns).

Children don't get referred and identified with SNs if their parents don't recognise that their behaviour doesn't fit normal patterns, also their behaviour is resistant to standard behaviour management. Most parents with children with SNs are on the ball and have a good understanding of their child's behaviour even if it is being challenging. Typical "rude" behaviour tends to be about misunderstanding social filters e.g. not understanding that it's socially unacceptable to point out a fact that someone is fat when it is acceptable to point out that they have long hair, or being impulsive, but realising their error.

The behaviour OP describes is very rude and sounds far more likely to be poor parenting from the collusion and lack of recognising the behaviour.

I'd seriously have lost respect for the friend over this.
Where friends have had children around the same time as me, the friendships that have survived best have been the ones where we've had similar standards and have mutually felt comfortable in adressing eachothers' children's behaviour directly (and this does include behaviour affected by conditions such as ASD)

Wow - what a brat. Shame on the mother.
No way would I go back either!