Would you say this is unacceptable or is it just a child being a child?

[BringOnTheBotox]

I went to a friends house for a quick coffee yesterday afternoon after the school run.

Her 8 year old DD was there. She has often been a bit rude/cheeky to me but I've never taken much notice. She is quite spoilt as she has four older brothers. Yesterday however she was, I feel, incredibly rude to me and I don't think I'll be going to my friends house again.

Firstly, when I arrived my friend asked me if I wanted a coffee. I said 'yes please' and my friend told me to sit down at her kitchen table, and we were chatting. Her DD then walked right up to me, pointed in my face and said 'LAZY! Don't just sit there! Help her make coffee!'. I didn't say anything and my friend just laughed it off.

Then, as we were chatting, her daughter kept giggling and coming up and whispering in her ear. My friend listened each time rather than telling her it was rude to whisper, and kept giggling. After about the third time the mum tickled her when she'd whispered and said to her jokingly 'No, you're the witch', and the girl then pointed at me and said 'No, SHE'S the ugly witch'. My friend once again just laughed but it was clear that her DD's whispers to her had been insults about me.

I didn't say anything but after a couple of minutes I said I had a few things to do so had to get going, and left. I don't plan on going round there again.

Am I being too sensitive or was it unacceptable behaviour from an NT 8 year old?

some children struggle socially and may not understand they're being rude if they have SEN.
The child might struggle but it is the parent's job to deal with it, if not there and then, at least to apologise to the OP.

Terrible. The mum sounds hopeless. I don't blame you for never returning

The child was rude, so the parent should have at the very least apologised and checked her guest was ok. I wouldn't be bothered about the child or what she said, but I would be upset with my friend, the other adult, in the situation.

It does sound like her daughter is getting away with a lot and could benefit from being educated on whats acceptable socially, but I don't think pointing that out will get you anywhere, but this is not about what the child did. Its about your friend letting you down and making you feel bad and uncomfortable.

I agree with those who said that even if the child's behaviour is down to her being not NT, her mother should still have corrected her and apologised.

Further more, I think at 8 years old it's unlikely that she has developed this behaviour from out of nowhere and is most likely copying someone else. I'm assuming it's her Mum given that she colluded with her in the whispering and giggling bit.

It's that which would bother me more if I were in your shoes. I don't expect children to be perfect, they are learning after all. The hurtful thing is that your friend went along with it and didn't stop it.

I feel really sorry for this kid, she's going to have a hard life if she doesn't learn soon that this isn't acceptable.

Being gobby is one thing. But being rude is another. I personally dont think the child is NT I think she has been indulged by her mother.
Even a child with NT can be been told appropriately if their behaviour is not acceptable.
Avoid them from now on, mother and child.

Thats shocking level of rudeness,

SN or not the role of parent is to enable the best social skills the DC manage ( I work in a SN environment) and in my experience parents of children with SN are above and beyond other parents in managing and communicating with their children and being aware of social skills

If the parent didnt want to say anything in front of you .. thats a different thing..... maybe she was embarrased but didnt want to tell her daughter off in public? in which case maybe she will apologise directly to you when DC not around...

I wouldn't rush round there again when DC there but would maybe see her at a non child time/go out for a drink in an evening... if you get on otherwise....different parenting skills are not always a friendship breaker for me - just see without..

And for the record I was a gobby child and I wish I had been told more often that nasty comments are very hurtful.

Very rude, of the parent and child if NT and of the parent if child not NT for still not correcting her (at least gently) and/or steering her to more appropriate/polite behaviour.

Like a PP has said, it's very hard to challenge or tell off directly someone else's kid, but there would be nothing to stop you from saying "Ouch - that really hurt my feelings!" or "That makes me feel sad". Or even "That sounded rude, but I'm sure you didn't mean it like that, did you?" The mother should definitely feel shamed at any of those.

My DF's DD came round with her and the DD asked me to do (with friend's encouragement!) an activity that was a) too long b) too messy c) would require much setting up and supervision from me, when it was a basic coffee occasion with my friend rather than a long afternoon ahead type thing. I had already provided the DD with plenty of things to play and draw with so she wasn't lacking in anything to do.

I said it was a lovely idea but maybe next time. (I was a bit surprised the friend would have put me on the spot like that TBH). The DD pulled a face, then whispered something long into friend's ear, then ran off without saying anything else. Friend put on a polite smile like she was annoyed with me for not indulging her DD but would overlook it this time. I was

Yes, it is unacceptable.

However, there was nothing stopping you from saying "That's not a very nice thing to say", then move on - instead of it now being "an issue"

Children have ears as well as mouths as my mum used to say.

The problem isn't so much the child's behaviour (though I agree it's unacceptable - and my 5yo autistic daughter would know not to behave like this), as the fact that her parent is actively encouraging it (not even just failing to tell her DD it's unacceptable, but getting involved herself and giving positive feedback). If she was embarrassed to tell her daughter off in front of you then she could still have said "don't boss my friend around, I'm quite capable of making coffee on my own!" and "let's not whisper in front of other people, it's not friendly". It doesn't have to be all "go to your room you horrible child".

I could cope with a rude child (some of DD's friends are pretty forward and if I think it's gone so far as to be rude and their parents aren't around to tell them that it's not an OK thing to say then I have no hesitation in doing it). But a parent who effectively encourages her child in what would be bullying behaviour if directed at another child (which I bet it also is, if she's doing it to you)? No thanks.

If you value the friendship maybe you could try to meet up during the evening or at times when you know her DD is at school?

averythin actually you make a very good point.

The SN kids I have met over the years have by and large been extremely polite. On the occasion they have not been, it is very clear to see that they have not intentionally meant to be rude but rather that they struggled to express themselves or manage their emotions at that particular moment.

There is a huge difference and most people absolutely know the difference instinctively between a SN child who is having a bad moment and an NT child who is deliberately rude. To suggest that (some) SN = deliberately rude and therefore excusable are doing (some) SN children a disservice, and also of their carers who have put many hours of efforts in to practicing appropriate behaviours and manners with their SN charges.

Extremely rude. Don’t go back.

I feel sorry for the children in this child's class who no doubt have to suffer the same treatment off this spiteful and quite frankly, nasty child.

Definitely not being over-sensitive. The child is a horrible, attention seeking brat. The mother is a spineless, over-indulgent sap who thinks her little princess can do no wrong. Uurgghh.

Ultimately I feel sorry for the child because no-one is going to like her and she's going to have to learn some hard life lessons when she gets to secondary school and doesn't have her biggest fan and protector to watch over her. Either that or she'll end up as a bully, so karma might take a bit longer to get her, but it will get her. Kids are often in awe of the Queen Bee types, but adults rarely are.

As for the mother, unless she starts parenting properly instead of indulging/ignoring/rewarding offensive behaviour, one day the shit is going to seriously hit the fan. Someone who has had enough is going to tell her in no uncertain terms exactly what everyone else thinks and says about her precious DD.

Both of them sound hideous! You're not being sensitive at all. I wouldn't waste my time with this woman again.

Wont that little madam get her cumuppance when she goes to Secondary School

What a nasty remark. You do realise it isn’t the child’s fault?

Given the comments made to you it sounds to me as if your friend has been talking about you and the child is echoing what she’s heard.

Both sound as bad as each other. Don't blame you for never going there again!

Mine know to wait until the visitors are gone. Dd1 aged 8 after my university friend and her 3 appallingly behaved devil children had left said “well let’s hope we never have to see them again”. Dh concurred

As an amusing but slightly irrelevant anecdote we have just gone through the whispering phase with G/son.

He whispered something to my daughter, who smiled but said he should say it out loud. He said 'It's too embarrassing. Daughter replied 'How can telling Nanny you really love her be embarrassing?' He turned bright red and answered 'Because she will say she loves me back and give me a kiss. And then she will be my girlfriend... and she's hundreds of years old'

Bless him.

What a cheeky brat...how can her mother think thats acceptable...i woildnt be bothering again

Yes, both she and her mum were very rude.

But I can't believe you didn't say anything.

Why on earth not?

Ds4 was dx with asd just after he turned 2. Hes pretty good with joint attention now that he's 6 but it is one of the things that weve had to work hard at

Your friend thinks she is having special and precious giggles and little moments with her daughter ... and no doubt thinks how cute and funny she is ... we've all seen that vomit-worthy look when someone's off spring is awful and they look around at anyone in the vicinity "Oh isn't she witty and funny"

Well, no, your friend's daughter is rude and mean and your friend is not doing her any favours. At 8 most children would not do this and have some sort of awareness of how to behave with guests. They might find ways to interrupt but not in this way.

I should let them stew in their own juice and not go until she is 18 and hopefully improved or if more awful still avoid.

V rude from both child and mother. I wouldn't go there again in a hurry and if friend asks why I'll tell her.