Would you say this is unacceptable or is it just a child being a child?

[BringOnTheBotox]

I went to a friends house for a quick coffee yesterday afternoon after the school run.

Her 8 year old DD was there. She has often been a bit rude/cheeky to me but I've never taken much notice. She is quite spoilt as she has four older brothers. Yesterday however she was, I feel, incredibly rude to me and I don't think I'll be going to my friends house again.

Firstly, when I arrived my friend asked me if I wanted a coffee. I said 'yes please' and my friend told me to sit down at her kitchen table, and we were chatting. Her DD then walked right up to me, pointed in my face and said 'LAZY! Don't just sit there! Help her make coffee!'. I didn't say anything and my friend just laughed it off.

Then, as we were chatting, her daughter kept giggling and coming up and whispering in her ear. My friend listened each time rather than telling her it was rude to whisper, and kept giggling. After about the third time the mum tickled her when she'd whispered and said to her jokingly 'No, you're the witch', and the girl then pointed at me and said 'No, SHE'S the ugly witch'. My friend once again just laughed but it was clear that her DD's whispers to her had been insults about me.

I didn't say anything but after a couple of minutes I said I had a few things to do so had to get going, and left. I don't plan on going round there again.

Am I being too sensitive or was it unacceptable behaviour from an NT 8 year old?

If the child doesn't understand social norms, I'd expect the parent to be trying to explain to the child and certainly apologising once the child is out of earshot. I spend much of my life doing this...

I'd have told the kid what I felt, directly - like most local parents, I don't tell generally off other people's kids but that doesn't mean you can't tell them tbe effect they're having.

I also wondered if the child was not NT and the mother didn't tell her off as she wanted to avoid a tantrum in front of a guest.

She wouldn't even let her mum offer the 3 year old a biscuit.
She wouldn’t let her mum offer a child a biscuit? This is clearly a child that somehow has ended up dominating an entire family.
Your friend is at fault. Your friend is rude. Your friend is bringing up a monster. Children can occasionally say the odd rude thing, the parent should apologise, make the child apologise, that’s the way they learn. Are her older children the same?

They were both rude.

They were both rude and this will come back to haunt her when her DD becomes a teenager. The rudeness will then be directed at her at it will be more difficult to change.

The OP specifies that the child is NT.

I have an 8 year old and she’d have been removed from the room after the first thing your friends daughter said to you. Not on.

It’s honestly SO rude as to be quite peculiar. It’s genuinely weird that your friend was so unpleasant. A badly brought up 8 year old could conceivably be unaware that their behaviour was utterly unacceptable but your friend is an adult. It’s so, so rude. If she ever asks you why you don’t want to visit again though, I think you should say the it is because SHE was so rude to you. There’s no need to blame the child. This is about your appallingly behaved ‘friend’.

My family background is similar in that I'm the youngest of a big brood and the only daughter, and probably a bit spoilt in some respects, but my mother would never have tolerated me behaving like this. And if it was an issue with me being NT, she would have explained this to any visitors and apologised for my behaviour, but also would have been explaining to me how I was potentially hurting someone's feelings.

The mother might find herself short of friends if things continue like this. Is she someone you know well enough to tell her this isn't acceptable behaviour?

Her DD then walked right up to me, pointed in my face and said 'LAZY! Don't just sit there! Help her make coffee!'.

I wondered if the child gets bullied in this way by her brothers or even her dad.
Could it be that she behaves badly when she can get away with it as a reaction?

Anyhow, I'd tell your friend that you won't be coming to her house again because of the rudeness of them both.

In a few years, your mate is going to be asking herself where it all went wrong when she has a teenage twat brat on her hands

The friend was rude. The child was displaying learned behaviour, not SEN. A much longed for girl after several boys so is treated like a princess. Is your friend my SIL, OP?

They were both extremely rude. I wouldn't be visiting that house again or encouraging any friendship between our children.

I agree with a PP, I think the lazy comment is mirroring behaviour she sees in the house.

Some parents are really complicit in a child’s bad behaviour.
My dd went to a birthday sleepover aged about 15. The girl had a beautiful birthday cake. When I picked my dd up I asked if the cake was nice.
Turned out Birthday girl wouldn’t let her mum cut it and a month later I bumped into her mum who told me she had thrown the cake out because it had gone stale. Bizarre.

My 7 year old has his difficult behaviours but he wouldn't ever dream about being that insulting towards an adult.

I think I'd have said something in the heat of the moment, especially after being called an ugly witch like "Excuse me Chloe?... I don't like being called names, I think I'm going to go now". I wouldn't have smiled at her and laughed it off.

I'd have walked out and probably held back tears at the fact my friend, her mother, didn't correct her daughter.

I just can't believe her mother didn't say anything. So what if she's the only female out of 5 children?! That gives her the entitled little princess right to bully everyone? She won't get far with that attitude. She'll do it to the wrong person at some point and get a shock. Even in a SEN child you don't approve of/reward the bad behaviour.

Rude kid and useless parent. I don’t think I could have held my tongue, and if that led to a falling out, so what. Unlikely I’d be going back there anyway.

Like mother, like daughter by the sounds of it

Wow thats very rude. Very spoilt madam. Mother obviously likes it otherwise she'd nip it in the bud. Stop going over there. She ll soon realise when friends stop coming over. Can you meet up with mutual friends without her? If she asks why just explain that, "The daughter makes you feel uncomfortable as shes quite rude." But only if she asks.

They were both incredibly rude.

At least you are an adult and can deal with it.

The girls in that 8yo’s class at school must have a horrible time.

Her first comment is learned about helping with the coffee. Someone has probably shouted that at her many times.

The ugly witch stuff, that’s nasty and should have been dealt with years ago.

Yanbu not to go again, ditch ‘friend’. At least you have the option. She is likely to be whispering at school and probably making some little 8yos utterly miserable.

Agree that this definitely sounds like a mother who will be inexplicably puzzled in a few years time when she has a completely uncontrollable teen.

As PP has said, even if not NT at 8 years old the mother shouldn’t be giggling along and encouraging this behaviour; and at the very least should have apologised for it.

Sounds as if the mother is encouraging/enabling a horrible brat that nobody will want to be with. A great shame.

One of the duties of a parent is to instil acceptable behaviour.

Personally I’d want to say something, but I probably wouldn’t, because I doubt the mother would listen - or even realise her daughter’s behaviour isn’t ‘cute’ or ‘funny’ or whatever she apparently thinks.

Not good. I think if it were me I would wait until next time I was invited for coffee and turn the invite down and tell her the reasons why. Very rude.

From the way she spoke to you, to me it sounds copied, so maybe that is how the adults around her speak "LAZY! Don't just sit there! Help her make coffee!'." That definitely sounds copied from someone.
Your Friend is doing her daughter no favours by not only allowing her behaviour but giggling along with her.