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Original poster

He doesnt wash

88 replies

Nothingisavailabl · 22/01/2020 09:24

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has a really annoying habit of not washing. I understand that to some, I am a bit anal with showering every day without fail, and I will always start my day with food, teeth brushed, shower had, hair wash every three/four days. I have looked in to numerous surveys on male vs female hygiene habits, and after finding it mind boggling at first, I dont mind accepting that he feels better showering less often than most. But. And here's the big but for me: he rolls out of bed, shoves 'floordrobe' trousers over yesterday's boxers, (he does change for a fresh pair of socks 2 or 3 times a day) then leaves the house after a quick tooth brushing session (no food/drink), with an unironed shirt and dandruff, visible, on greasy hair topped off with a strange halfway-to-hobo beard...I find that minging.
We all know that feeling from being alseep all night, when your face is a bit sweaty, a bit greasy, a bit "could do with a wash" even if you dont have time for a full shower, at least a clean face, right?...he has a very good job, meetings fill most days, he is heavily relied on and has been pulled on his shabby appearance more than once - he'll go a couple of months with an obviously outgrown haircut, not an 'im growing it' look, more an "im a tramp and dont give shit" look.

Aside from the fact that I feel anyone who comes into contact with him must instantly assume we are all unkept slobs in my household, (i dont have to meet them, i dont care) I worry that its 100% turned me off! I dont want to hug a bod that hasnt seen clean water for most of the worikng week, I dont want to bed down with someone whose arsehole had a freshen up on a sunday and maybe, if its lucky, again by thursday. It makes my skin crawl!
I ask him to shower and he quietly shrugs it off and carries on with his day! I dont want to hug that. Let alone indulge in sexual contact involving anything more than a peck on the cheek!
Help!
I have asked if hes depressed, if he dislikes the shower/bathroom, if the products we have hurt or irritate his skin, if he fears water (which i know is not true - hes a good swimmer!)...i think its just downright laziness 😭😭

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 22/01/2020 09:27

Can you be really blunt with him and say to him that you find his lack of washing disgusting and it is making you feel completely unattracted to him?

I could not put up with that, it really sounds awful.

penisbeakers · 22/01/2020 09:30

I'd get rid to be honest, that's disgusting.

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/01/2020 09:42

Eeew. Why on earth are you with him?.

Reginabambina · 22/01/2020 09:46

LTB Envy

NotStayingIn · 22/01/2020 09:48

I couldn’t be with someone who I find repulsive. I think you need to make it clear just how much it bothers you. If he doesn’t change - that’s fine, but then you know that he doesn’t care enough about you to do it. So then I would leave.

Original poster
Nothingisavailabl · 22/01/2020 09:49

Hi LemonBreeland,
I put this to him a while back, it didnt get a response. I've spent a long time justifying it from his point of veiw like this:

i like to wear my long hair down and straight...he likes my hair curly. i wear my hair down and straight.

He likes to fester for 4 days before showering, id like him to shower daily or at least every other...he festers.

I put it down to that's who he is, like it or lump it, but now i feel like iv lumped it long enough! It was never too much of an issue, we lived apart, i could be blissfully unaware of how often he actually took a dip, but we live together now, have done for 18 months, and now im going back on my 'lump it' desicion and its becomming the stuff of my nightmares 🙄

OP posts:
Rainycloudyday · 22/01/2020 09:51

Absolutely grim. It’s a sign that he has no respect for himself and he clearly doesn’t care less about your opinion of him. Id be utterly mortified if my partner hinted that my hygiene was lacking-yours just shrugged it off. He won’t change. I’d be embarrassed to go out with him. Get rid!!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/01/2020 09:51

Why do you put up with it? It's utterly repulsive.
Have you not had sex in 18 months or do you still do that anyway?

How long have you been with him and how long has he been this way?

And why on earth does he change his socks 2/3 times a day?

penisbeakers · 22/01/2020 09:53

Honestly why are you putting up with this shit? Dump him.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/01/2020 09:54

You aren’t being unreasonable to be disgusted by somebody who doesn’t wash. The part where you went wrong / are being unreasonable is that this is not a new thing, you knew when you met him and decided to move in together that this is who he is and how he likes to live his life and still decided to go ahead - it’s a bit late now to decide you don’t like the person he is and expect him to change.

Just end the relationship. Somebody who actively chooses to be unclean and who is happy to be so isn’t going to change their habits long term.

eminencegrise · 22/01/2020 09:58

Vom! Seriously, he's rank. How can you even sleep next to someone so gross? He'll NEVER change. He's happy being a minger. Ewww.

Techway · 22/01/2020 09:59

How old are you both? I could slightly understand not wanting to shower first thing if he is not a morning person but he has no excuse to avoid a shower every day.

I assume he made an effort in your early dating days? I could not be intimate with someone like this and it includes sharing a bed. Once you notice it I don't think you can unnotice it and will affect your feelings for him.

Sad as it maybe, it is valid for this to he a deal breaker as some people are not very clean and that would make you incompatible.

NomadNoMore · 22/01/2020 10:00

My DH was like this. Refused to clean his teeth at bedtime, wouldn't shower or shave all weekend.

After I explained repeatedly that I couldn't have sex with a smelly man he would unexpectedly shower then make a grab for me. Apparently showering was foreplay.

He's now my ex DH.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 22/01/2020 10:01

(he does change for a fresh pair of socks 2 or 3 times a day)

In amongst all the grimness, this seems really peculiar.

ballsdeep · 22/01/2020 10:02

Having curly hair straighr or curly is a million miles away from sweaty bollocks and armpits. That's absolutely grim. How do you manage to have sex with him?

3rdchristmaslucky · 22/01/2020 10:02

Lie to him and tell him that sharing a bed with him is irritating your skin. Get creative with some makeup if you have to.
Turn it into a problem rather than a dislike.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 22/01/2020 10:04

He likes to fester for 4 days before showering

I get a somewhat perverse delight out of doing a hard workout, then coming home and doing sweaty household jobs. But the point is, I get the real pleasure out of then jumping in a piping hot shower and feeling as clean as a new pin afterwards.

And I'm talking a few hours, not days when people are holding their noses near me.

Potatobug · 22/01/2020 10:05

Excuse me but why did you become his girlfriend in the first place? Didn’t all this bother you at the beginning?

Drinkciderfromalemon · 22/01/2020 10:05

He repels me from this distance. Get rid of the monger.

Drinkciderfromalemon · 22/01/2020 10:05

Minger!!!

potter5 · 22/01/2020 10:15

Did you never notice before you started living together? Surely you were intimate before you moved in together, or is it that now that you are living together he feels that he doesn't have to impress you any more? I could never live with someone like that. It's disgusting. Eugh! Shock

Molly2017 · 22/01/2020 10:47

The thing is, his colleagues will notice and it will become an issue.
We had a guy in our office who was a soap dodger. He wore the same leather jacket, all day, every day and it stank. It wasn’t helped by the fact he smoked. His fingers had that yellow tinge, his hair was over grown and he scratched his head a lot. Granted he was good at his job, but I know for certain people avoided having him on their projects because of his hygiene issues.

I always wondered what sort of a person his girlfriend was to share a bed with him.

Feels like it’s time for an ultimatum. You have a shower before bed every night or you don’t share a bed/you live separately/the relationship is over. You decide.

puds11 · 22/01/2020 10:49

Tell him you find it repulsive. No point lying.

My DH washes every day and tbh I’d find it grim if he went more than two days unless he was poorly.

inwood · 22/01/2020 10:50

Why on earth is he changing his socks 3 times a day.

TBH, if I shower and do my hair on Friday I may not shower on a Saturday unless I'm going out or have been to the gym but anything more than that is grim. And always clean underwear regardless of showering status.

ringme · 22/01/2020 10:59

What does he say when you bring the subject up OP? Is he annoyed, irritated or indifferent? If he’s indifferent then you really need to think long and hard if you can put with this for the next however many years...

How did he react with work pulling him up about it?
Do his friends /family have any insight into why he’s that way? Assuming they’ve noticed it too?