He doesnt wash

[Nothingisavailabl]

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has a really annoying habit of not washing. I understand that to some, I am a bit anal with showering every day without fail, and I will always start my day with food, teeth brushed, shower had, hair wash every three/four days. I have looked in to numerous surveys on male vs female hygiene habits, and after finding it mind boggling at first, I dont mind accepting that he feels better showering less often than most. But. And here's the big but for me: he rolls out of bed, shoves 'floordrobe' trousers over yesterday's boxers, (he does change for a fresh pair of socks 2 or 3 times a day) then leaves the house after a quick tooth brushing session (no food/drink), with an unironed shirt and dandruff, visible, on greasy hair topped off with a strange halfway-to-hobo beard...I find that minging.
We all know that feeling from being alseep all night, when your face is a bit sweaty, a bit greasy, a bit "could do with a wash" even if you dont have time for a full shower, at least a clean face, right?...he has a very good job, meetings fill most days, he is heavily relied on and has been pulled on his shabby appearance more than once - he'll go a couple of months with an obviously outgrown haircut, not an 'im growing it' look, more an "im a tramp and dont give shit" look.

Aside from the fact that I feel anyone who comes into contact with him must instantly assume we are all unkept slobs in my household, (i dont have to meet them, i dont care) I worry that its 100% turned me off! I dont want to hug a bod that hasnt seen clean water for most of the worikng week, I dont want to bed down with someone whose arsehole had a freshen up on a sunday and maybe, if its lucky, again by thursday. It makes my skin crawl!
I ask him to shower and he quietly shrugs it off and carries on with his day! I dont want to hug that. Let alone indulge in sexual contact involving anything more than a peck on the cheek!
Help!
I have asked if hes depressed, if he dislikes the shower/bathroom, if the products we have hurt or irritate his skin, if he fears water (which i know is not true - hes a good swimmer!)...i think its just downright laziness 😭😭

How often does he swim?

What prompts him to change his socks 4 times a day but never wash?

Not often enough to be of any use, once a month atm maybe

The sock thing is weird but maybe it's a clue? Has he got a foot problem? Fungal infection or athlete's foot or eczema or something? And is that made sore or worse in the shower?
No one needs 3 sock changes a day

The sock thing would make sense if he has excessively sweaty feet. Some people do! Not changing underwear daily is nasty.

He's brushing his teeth of a morning, which is good! He doesn't have to eat breakfast before he goes. I surely don't. I can't stomach breakfast until 10am most days and I'm up at 6.45am so also don't eat first.

Most people also don't need to shower every day. It's better for skin (and environment) to shower every 2,3, or 4 days so in that respect he's not minging unless he's not showering after a hefty workout - in which case I'll change my mind. Mumsnet is so weird about the daily showering. That's definitely one way to dry out and ruin your skin.

But OP you're clearly incompatible. How much do you really enjoy this relationship if you're physically repulsed by him? Might it not be better to call it quits and find someone more on your own level when it comes to daily showering expectations.

Ugh. No, no and thrice no.
I couldn't go near him and I certainly wouldn't be sharing a bed with him.
Wearing yesterday's still clean jeans or jumper is one thing, wearing yesterday's grundies is rank.
Get a shower or get away from me would be my approach.

I'd think that due to his lack of hygiene his feet stink hence the 3 or 4 sock changes a day.
But then you'd think he'd get the clue from that and start showering no?

How often does he shower ?
Does he actual smell or look dirty ?

Yuck

it sounds very odd that he doesn't wear clean pants every day but changes his socks 3-4 times a day

My ex husband was like this. Same clothes for days on end, shower maybe once or twice a week, rarely brushed teeth, never thought to have a quick wash and freshen up just covered himself in liberal amounts of deodorant like a teenager, then complained it didn't work. Wore baggy, ripped, stained joggers and tshirts when he wasn't at work and literally laid on the sofa all day so the sofa ended up stinking and marked with sweat patches. He wore polyester uniform for work as well so you can imagine how stinky he was. He'd "joke" about it, say "Ew I'm gross, I really need a shower" and then still not do it! It's one of the many reasons he's now an ex.

My DP is lovely and clean and takes pride in his appearance, I never feel grossed out by him!

Yours needs a serious kick up the backside, I really wouldn't be able to tolerate it. Him preferring your hair a certain way is different, he is physically unclean!

Ugh your ex sounds like a real catch Lilou

OP has your dp been babied by his mother or something? You say he never irons his shirt or gets his haircut either.
Perhaps he expects you to book his appointments, iron his shirts, lay out clean pants and run him a bath? Maybe his mother never stopped doing those things when he lived at home?

Of course I'm not suggesting YOU do everything for him. Fuck that.
I just find it hard to understand how grown men are like this.

My best friend's ex was like this. They overnighted at mine once and made my (small) home stink. What she didn't realise, and I never told her, was that whilst she lived with him his smell transferred to her clothes. She got rid as she realises he had no respect for himself or her. Hopefully you will too.

I’m nog being funny but I find it really strange how people can come on here and say their partner’s hygiene is unattractive - yet still you still put up with it and are still in a relationship ?? I mean I’m sure his hygiene has always been substandard so how on earth did you deal with it before ? Why is it an issue now ?

It’s simple. Tell him to wash his stinking balls or the relationship is over !

This would be a deal breaker for me. Grim as fuck

Honestly I could never be with someone who clearly didn’t wash or groom themselves. I mean that’s just bloody disgusting

Yeah if depression or some sort of issue has been discounted then it's pure laziness.
I think these soap dodging men lack self awareness and think no one notices because everyone is too polite to say something.

Eewww

I had a boyfriend like this, I got rid. If he can't change for himself, he wont change for you. In my situation his hygiene became worse the longer we were together. I was embarrassed to go out with him because I could see people moving away from us to get away from the smell. We went weeks without sex because I just couldn't go near him.

My DH showers once or twice a day, I don't know why I wasted so much time with a dirty man.

Why would you want to be in a romantic relationship with someone who grosses you out and physically repels you??? That's almost as odd as his behaviour... Do you think this is as good as you deserve?

If he doesn't change his hygiene habits, you have a fundamental incompatibility, and you should get rid.

CtrlU often these traits only come out once the honeymoon period is over. My ex made an effort while he was single and looking for somebody, however once he found me and became comfortable things got worse and worse, by which point you are already in love/attracted to his personality.

Oh and once I left him he tried to clean himself up again, but again as soon as he got comfortable he was back to his stinky ways.

That's disgusting.

Showering every day and brushing your teeth twice a day is a normal minimum standard of cleanliness. Anything less... ew.

smartanimal ,maybe read the post. I DO shower every day. So not sure what you are going on about that I smell and after 3 days everyone can smell me .

My post said, that while i do shower daily, it would be my dream not to shower at all as I detest it. I do try and dodge off on the weekend if not going out but very rarely achieve this as usually do have to go out for something or rather. So, more’s the pity, I generally do shower 7 days. Hate it, but do it.

Just tell him. Say, I love you but your lack of hygiene is a real problem. You know it is. Work have said so and I have too More than once. What;s going on? Because poor hygiene sends messages ot the world that you are either depressed and lack the motivation for self care or you don;t give a toss about others' opinions even if they are people who are close or important to you. Neither of these is workable, long term. What stops you showering daily?