He doesnt wash

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Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has a really annoying habit of not washing. I understand that to some, I am a bit anal with showering every day without fail, and I will always start my day with food, teeth brushed, shower had, hair wash every three/four days. I have looked in to numerous surveys on male vs female hygiene habits, and after finding it mind boggling at first, I dont mind accepting that he feels better showering less often than most. But. And here's the big but for me: he rolls out of bed, shoves 'floordrobe' trousers over yesterday's boxers, (he does change for a fresh pair of socks 2 or 3 times a day) then leaves the house after a quick tooth brushing session (no food/drink), with an unironed shirt and dandruff, visible, on greasy hair topped off with a strange halfway-to-hobo beard...I find that minging.
We all know that feeling from being alseep all night, when your face is a bit sweaty, a bit greasy, a bit "could do with a wash" even if you dont have time for a full shower, at least a clean face, right?...he has a very good job, meetings fill most days, he is heavily relied on and has been pulled on his shabby appearance more than once - he'll go a couple of months with an obviously outgrown haircut, not an 'im growing it' look, more an "im a tramp and dont give shit" look.

Aside from the fact that I feel anyone who comes into contact with him must instantly assume we are all unkept slobs in my household, (i dont have to meet them, i dont care) I worry that its 100% turned me off! I dont want to hug a bod that hasnt seen clean water for most of the worikng week, I dont want to bed down with someone whose arsehole had a freshen up on a sunday and maybe, if its lucky, again by thursday. It makes my skin crawl!
I ask him to shower and he quietly shrugs it off and carries on with his day! I dont want to hug that. Let alone indulge in sexual contact involving anything more than a peck on the cheek!
Help!
I have asked if hes depressed, if he dislikes the shower/bathroom, if the products we have hurt or irritate his skin, if he fears water (which i know is not true - hes a good swimmer!)...i think its just downright laziness 😭😭

penisbeakers I guess it probably is sensory for me in that I hate the way the water feels as it hits me and runs down me and particularly hate random splashy bits. I do prefer a bath, just sitting in the water and washing that way but I don’t have time to run one and then washing in one seems to take more time than the shower so I stick to the shower. Can’t stand the way the water runs down me when I get out while I am towelling off, wet hair etc. But I just get on with it and mainly suffer it daily. Interestingly one of my kids is Aspie (term they use before anyone jumps up and down). I have asked their dev paed and psychiatrist if they think I fit the bucket and they said no. I have asked random colleagues, including general paeds etc if they think I would fit and was met with howls of laughter and god no’s, ‘but x in radiology, now they FIT’ etc. 100% of people agree that DH would ramp it in however.

My ExH was just the same. Almost identical, even down to the socks.

Our bed linen was discoloured on his side of the bed due to unwashing. His shirt collars were greasy and all his clothes smelled. Even when I washed them I couldn't get the smell out without washing on a high temperature.

I know when washing his body, the sensation of washing stressed him. I think he definitely had sensory processing issues as there were many other sensory things that he would avoid.

My daughter is pretty much the same. She's inherited it. It's not learned behaviour as she loves to be in water, she just can't cope with the sensation of washing so she avoids it. I will shower twice a day if I'm able so she has a role model.

I was wondering if he maybe has sensory issues? I didn't realise my exh had until my daughter was the same.

I just bought new sheets more often!

Agree with milliefiori This is a serious lack of motivation to care for yourself properly.
If you were caring for a child it would be seen as neglect if you didn't keep them clean, washed their clothes, haircuts etc so this is self neglect and must have a root cause?. Is he like this about his health? Cleaning in the home etc?

He must notice you don't want to be near him in bed?

I don't think it has to be a major sensory issue. Some people don't like showers Hopping I don't. I agree with you; I hate all the splashing, shampoo in my eyes, and my long wet hair clinging to me in the shower.
It doesn't help that our house is freezing and the shower isn't that good.

I love a hot bath though so will pick that option! As long as you're clean.
I think MN is a bit obsessed with showering at least once daily.

This sounds to me he has mental health issues. When I get depressed I tend to self neglect, e.g not getting my hair cut when needed, and have to push myself to shower, but I would never go to work without showering even though it feels like a big effort. I also get a bit slack washing things like coats although I always wear clean underwear!

That is just skanky. In this house we shower daily and clean teeth morning and evening. I always think of that as normal.

I just couldn't be in the same room as this man, let alone the same bed.

OP not sure why you think others would think you anal for having normal hygiene standards. You are not anal. You are normal.

I'm a bloke and I usually shower twice a day. up in the morning, Shave, shower, breakfast, brush teeth. Even just sitting down in front of my laptop working all day makes me want to shower. Ok, sometimes on a Saturday if I'm not going out I might give the shave a miss. I couldn't imagine going over a day without a shower. Clean underwear very time as well.

I worked with a bloke once who didn't shower. We called him Catweazle and eventually refused to work with him because he stank..gross

Just to say, you're not anal at all. Your level of washing in my world and the people I know is normal. We are supposed to wash ourselves, as any other animal does. That's a pretty basic human standard I think.

He's obviously just a natural 'dirty person'.
We all know some people/families who astound us with their dirtyness and cannot understand how they don't seem to want to be clean. They obviously are smelly but just don't seem to see the need to wash themselves. It's totally bizarre.

I could not sleep next to or touch a man who didn't wash regularly, totally off putting. It looks like he will never change OP. So embarrasing for you. What about your family and friends. Surely they must notice hes a minger?

Just admit to yourself that you've made a massive mistake in living with him and end it. He will not change. FFS, raise your standards. If you were telling us about a friend in this situation, you would be telling her to run for the hills and you know it. Why aren't you?

I once read monkeys detest getting wet and it’s one of the reasons they don’t swim as they could do

That's right. If it rains, well, that's just too bad. Their mothers teach them water safety by damn near drowning them when the baby is about four weeks old. The juveniles will have a splash around in the shallows of a pond or river but like humans, much past a certain age it's passé to be in water.

Back on topic.

@milliefiori, thank you for your reply, you have worded that brilliantly, I think it is more on a question that needs an answer rather than an out on your backside situation...

bit of background: we had a 5 year relationship years ago, when we were young enough that we lived with our parents and didnt necessarily see eachother everyday, so I suppose in the beginning I was oblivious, then we split for 6 years, purely an 'is the grass greener?' scenario, we were in love but both had an urge to explore the world from a single capacity and we understood that of eachother so we went our seperate ways.
Fastforward 6 years and we reconnected, I naively assumed his personal hygiene habits would have improved with age, maturity and responsibility, and I fell in love again with the guy I had missed for so long. Initially living apart as I said in the beginning, and who am i to monitor anyones shower habits...that could be seen as a bit weird, right? We didnt live together, he always made the effort to shower and shave and gel his hair or whatnot when we were together.
He is a wonderful human, he's my person, always had been, and in the early days second time round he seemed to look after himself well - albeit with stinky feet...but that was being addressed with botox injections/different types of therapy/appointments/skincare regimes/you name it. He has a smelly foot problem but he is aware. And I couldnt not love him just because his feet are a bit pongy...he seems to disconnect the issue with his feet and the rest of his body - and reading some of the other posts here, it has made me wonder if its the feel of the water/agg of getting out into a chilly environment sensory thing, rather than an outright urge to be minging.

He also has dandruff. I have read everywhere that more showers often exacerbate those types of skin conditions. Maybe it is just uncomfy. Maybe I havent put enough effort in to explore the products on the market that might make his life a bit easier, afterall, I do the shopping and he and my daughter just have to deal with the products I buy...never seen it from this different angle before.

Also, bejng that I've put up with it for so long, I feel it has become a sensitive subject - I dont want to give him a complex, hes not a burly bloke with thick skin so to speak. He is sensitive and he is loving, and I dont want to embarrass him over an already sensitive subject :/