Is anyone willing to admit they haven’t found parenting that hard?

[moctodtensmum]

I’ve been reading a thread about whether to have kids and so many posters talk about how hard child-rearing is and how much parents complain. It’s true in RL too, the narrative is what a slog it all is.

This just isn’t my experience and I have several kids the oldest of whom is 15. Now I know I’m lucky that so far none of my kids have had significant health problems and we have a comfortable income. Change either of those criteria and it would be very hard. But I hear many parents in a similar position still saying it’s awfully hard.

Of course there are hard days but my overall experience of parenting is that it’s made most days more fun, more loving, more full and much brighter. The highs in life are immeasurably higher. The lows can be lower too but I actually like the heightening of all emotions.

I love my kids and I like them. I enjoy their company. They push me out of my comfort zone so I try new things and life is therefore more interesting and full. They haven’t stopped us doing much, we just do it together.

I have no other family so the creation of this little family of mine is everything to me.

I’m not boasting. I know I’m very lucky. I’m just interested in whether others feel similar and just keep quiet so as not to be accused of smugness? I sometimes wish that instead of worrying about smugness we celebrated the experience of child rearing a little more.

The early years are a slog. But I have two “good” girls who are close in age and get on well. They like what dh and I do (reading theatre etc) so as a family we largely have a lovely time. Neither has ever had a tantrum or talked rudely to us (we are quite strict on that). When I see what some of my friends lives are like it is very different

Me. Obviously there have been phases that have been harder than others but generally speaking parenting has been a very positive experience for me. My kuds are 21, 16 and 14 and I haven't had any major problems.
There was a tough phase when my youngest was a baby. I was tandem feeding the younger two and not getting more than a couple of hours of continuous sleep any night, the youngest has health problems which made life more difficult than average and required frequent trips to a hospital 100 miles away, I was being badly bullied at work and my mum was suffering from dementia in another part of the country. That was a hard time in life, but it wasn't the parenting that made it hard - that was the good bit and it was the kids that kept me going to be honest.
I can't deny there are times when I wished I had the extended family support network that many of the other parents I know have, but overall I think DH and I manage pretty well and we are happy.
I think some of it is expectations - I always knew that combining my career with parenting was going to have challenges - some of it is that we are fortunate enough to be financially secure which obviously minimises a lot of worries, and some of it is that I have always felt that I have choices, even when things aren't easy. For example, my babies would probably have been described as "high needs" and they didn't sleep much, but it was my choice to parent them the way I did. I chose not to sleep train. I chose to breastfeed til self weaning, and so on. I think a lot of people are most unhappy when they feel they have no choices or control over their lives. I have rarely been in that situation or felt that way, which I am very grateful for.
But beyond babyhood, I have to say it gas been pretty easy. Busy, certainly, and costly, but not "difficult". We didn't have much by the way of toddler tantrums, school has been largely uneventful, and to date the worst I have had to tell my teens off for is not doing piano practice on time or leaving their bedrooms untidy. In fact I had words with DH the other day when he was getting stressed over the 16 year old's school report.I had to remind him that getting one only average attitude to learning score - the first ever - did not mean that he was sliding into a life of crime and depravity . Yes, it was worth a gentle word with him, but given that this is the worst thing we have ever had to worry about at school, then we are very fortunate!
I actually think less parents hate parenting than the internet in general and social media portray. It seems to be fashionable to post about how awful your life is, how terrible your children are and how miserable the lot of a mother is. But like much of what you read, I doubt it is all real. Not to minimise the problems of families who have real, serious problems, but a lot of what people bleat about is rubbish in my opinion.

I find parenting relatively easy but I only have the one son and he has always been a dream in terms of behaviour and personality. I also co parent with my ex which means I get every other weekend to myself and I don't doubt for one second that this gives me the time to recoup and relax that many full time parents simply don't get.

I'm not daft enough to think we won't face challenges as ds gets older and approaches the teenage years but as op said, I have honestly found parenting enjoyable.

The only thing that's stressful for me is the worry of my ds growing up in such a harsh and dangerous world.

I don’t find it hard at all TBH. But I only have one ridiculously well behaved boy who’s now 10. We’re reasonably comfortable and DS has lots of hobbies to keep him busy. We don’t go out without DS that often as all our friends have kids so he comes with us but when we do we have my parents and sister who are happy to look after him. I’m just hoping he’ll continue to be well behaved as a teenager!

”Of course there are hard days but my overall experience of parenting is that it’s made most days more fun, more loving, more full and much brighter. The highs in life are immeasurably higher.” - this really resonates with me. Also your follow up post about loving the balance your career affords you. I’m still early days (DD 2.5 and DS 10 months), but at least for now I’ve been very pleasantly surprised at the joyfulness of the overall experience. I also love how my kids have brought me closer to my own parents, to my faith, and to many other women from such diverse backgrounds. I feel like there’s something in-built in the experience which is deeply humanizing, and just so emotionally powerful.

I don't think you can come to a conclusion until they are grown up.
The first year of DC1 was tough because I was so anxious. After that it just got better and easier. Both DC were a delight at all ages and still are now both early 20s.

“ Neither has ever had a tantrum or talked rudely to us (we are quite strict on that).”

Hang on - they must have had a tantrum or been rude at some point in order for you to have needed to be strict at some point

If you take care of small things, they don’t generally get to that point irving

I don't find sleep deprivation hard apparently, so I don't really mind the baby stage at all. I do have the odd day where I'm like ugggh. But mostly I find it fine, even though my kids have never slept particularly well.

I found DS1 easy until he turned 3 and since then it's been hard with him. DS2 is 16 months and still easy.

I love being a mum but my goodness the sleep deprivation has been horrific. I don’t seem to be able to produce children who sleep. Mine are 5 and 9 and I’m so tired all the time. I feel nauseous and dizzy and my whole body hurts. I’d say I find it pretty hard.

I was a SAHP for 4 years and I find being a working mum harder, which is not a popular opinion on here. Being a SAHM was easy, looking after kids is tiring but I could stay home all day in my pyjamas if I wanted to, no deadlines to meet, no pressure from my boss.

I was a SAHP for 4 years and I find being a working mum harder, which is not a popular opinion on here.

Being a working mum is a huge part of the challenge in my opinion. I work part time and I love the days at home not having to rush around. It really is so much better.

I think the common theme here is easy children= easy parenting. There’s no other secret really as if any sane person had to listen constant crying/ didn’t sleep for a year etc. most certainly could never say it was easy. It’s nothing to do with being strict when they’re babies/ toddlers. It’s just a baby lottery.

The only hard part is not having enough 'me-time'.

DP is amazing in that he will cook, clean and watch DD whilst I pop to the shops but we dont get much time together anymore- but I think that's a good thing really.

Maybe you just had easy children?

I think this is the crux of it tbh. And perhaps the number of children as well. Given that I have one very easy child, I guess I wasn't ever going to find things too difficult, but I'm not smug enough to think that it's because I have the whole thing sussed. I have just been lucky in the way that things turned out.

Parenting teenagers is quite tough - even the "good" ones.

I'm a single parent with one dd, she has a few issues SENs which make parenting her tricky. She's nearly 14 now and I'm finding some of the teen issues really hard to navigate tbh (phones, friends, hormones, boys, school, self esteem etc.)

That said I wouldn't say day to day life is particularly hard and I like being a mother. I've always been lucky in managing my work/life balance and we have enough money to live on.

Wasn’t after advice, palmtreedreams, just pointing out your post was illogical

Yes I have found parenthood easy so far, single parent with one easy going child. Was a crap sleeper as a baby but been a dream since toddlerhood. I always raise an eye at the 'just you wait' posts on here referring to the terrible two's/tantrums. Didn't happen here. Saying that about to head into the teenage years and praying he's nothing like I was so not counting my chickens yet.

Yesss defiantly
I was 17 with my first and 22 with second and people mad out like it would be the hardest thing in the world but I think it's relatively easy

I've had a large gap between my dc and I've found parenting DD the second time around very easy. She sleeps through (after a bit of sleep training), is quite easy going, can self-occupy and I just find it easy to be patient with her even when she's frustrated or upset. My first DC was much more difficult, mainly because he's autistic, but also because I was younger, poorer, a single parent and having to juggle parenting with work/study. Although having said that, he's also quite easy going at home and his teen years have been very relaxed without any drama.

Having money, lots of time, being able to focus on parenting (because I don't have to work) and a partner to take over at the end of the day has made being a parent so much easier. Have to admit I'm always a bit bemused when I hear other parents chat about how hard parenting is when they have all those sorts of advantages, but I suppose you only realise how much harder it could really be when you've experienced life without them.

I must be insane then HaggardMum as none of my 3 slept much til they were 3 or 4 years old meaning that I didn't have an unbroken night's sleep for over a decade. But I wouldn't say it was that difficult. I just adapted to it. If I had my time over again I wouldn't do anything differently. DH was always great at looking after them in the mornings at weekends though, so if I wasn't working I always got a few hours in bed on my own on a Saturday or Sunday to recharge my batteries. That was a big help. I would probably have found it hard without a supportive partner.

I would say a lot of it is personalities and whether you are lucky enough to have children whose particular personalities don't rub you up the wrong way or vice versa. Not sure there is one "easy" personality, more that different people react differently. Reading the parenting threads on here, I am often interested in seeing how some posters find things unbearable that I might actually have found quite interesting, but how I would really have struggled with some other aspects that they're probably quite all right with. So much about human relations is whether you rub each other up the wrong way or not.

I agree op. Dd is 5 now. She was a terrible sleeper and I went back to work fulltime when she was 9 months old, so it was hard couple of years working on broken sleep. But the problem there was work, not parenting.

I have a wonderful partner and his work is very flexible (mine is not at all). Dd is healthy. If those were different, I'm sure I'd be saying something different.

I also don't get the need that some parents have to have adult time away from their kids. Dp and I don't feel like this at all, and love spending time the three of us.

I've personally found the general parenting a doddle. It's the other side of it that has been bloody hard.

My eldest is 5, with as yet undiagnosed additional needs. She has a huge list of markers for autism but these were missed by GPs, HVs and preschool, and she now masks extremely well which leaves us in a predicament as school are reluctant to refer for what they can't see. For the most part we're on our own with this.

My youngest is 18 months and has several allergies, at least one of which carries a potential risk for anaphylaxis. It also made weaning very complicated and yet we didn't get any advice with this until he was 9 months. We've now been waiting for allergy testing for the last 9 months and still don't have an appointment, and we've been refused an Epipen without confirmation of the allergies. This leaves me terrified everytime we leave the house, more so as we live in a rural village.

We haven't attended any baby groups etc as I obviously can't police what the other babies are fed on that day (I am lucky enough to have friends with children the same age who don't eat DS's biggest allergens on days that we meet up). He is supposed to be attending a part time care setting in September but unless we have medical measures in place by then he will not be going. He suffers with severe eczema and has a strict treatment regime for this. And he has another undiagnosed condition - possibly dermatological, which we brought to the attention of our GP 8 months ago. Last month we finally had a dermatology appointment for this and since then we've been waiting for an appointment to come through for an ultrasound. Additionally if this unknown condition flares again we have been told it will require surgery.

The thing is I can see that there are many factors which could make parenting hard for someone, and you may not be privy to those factors. The parent's mental health, an underlying physical condition, financial circumstances, the physical or mental health of the child(ren), the involvement or not of a partner or family members...

It's always nice to be able to count your blessings and recognise your own good fortune, but it's worth remembering that you may not have all the information and that what's easy for you may well be hard for someone else, even if on the outside the situations appear similar.

My dd was incredibly difficult. Reflux and never ever sleeps. I couldn't bring myself to have another one. I think it depends on your personality as well.

I could not manage on 20 min increments of sleep for months on end and the effect that had on alongside trying to hold down a ft job lasted years. In fact she's now aged 6 and I had to give up my career as I could not manage the work load with such low amounts of sleep. She still does not sleep through the night. Last night she was up sleepwalking it's been an absolute nightmare.
I've now gone through bouts of not working and working pt since giving up ft work and the times I've not been working have been wonderful compared to trying to hold down a job and parent dd.

She's wonderful and I love her but no I have not found it easy. I do like to hear tales of parents finding it easy though because I'd hate to think anyone else felt the way I did/do!