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Am I being mean to my friend if I don't want to look after her child?

127 replies

Bobewing · 13/01/2020 12:42

Hello,
Try to cut a long story short. I've known my friend for 10 years, we first met when our children were at nursery. Two years later I lost my husband and it was then just me and my four year old. Shortly after this happened I went on a night out with my friend and her husband and a few others. She asked her husband to walk me home. I really don't remember who invited who in (drunk too much) but he stayed and we talked and listened to music. Nothing at all happened. I said to him you must go - this was say 4am - he went and although nothing had happened I knew it wasn't the ideal thing to have done. I apologised etc. She kept her cool but it came to be that I would look after her two children every Friday after school while she was at work. I did this for two years - they are not easy children. So in my mind I have kind of made up for any mistakes I have made? However, she would now like me to pick up her 7 year old son from school most Wednesdays. I no longer have to be at school as my 11 year old walks home, plus he has afterschool football so I have a nice free afternoon. I don't get much free time being a widow doing everything by myself. I am really resentful of doing this, there are other mum's picking up their 7 year olds in the playground could they not grab him? Plus even his nan keeps saying no to having him and that she is going out? I like my friend very much and I'd like to say can I help in another way like looking after her cat. I don't seem to have the strength to say no though and I'm getting really annoyed with the situation. Please advise.

OP posts:
Letseatgrandma · 13/01/2020 12:44

WTF-you listened to some music with someone and then looked after their two kids after school for two years a punishment?!

What is wrong with you?? Tell her to get stuffed and go and find some real friends.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 13/01/2020 12:45

Just tell her, no that doesn't work for me. Give the reason you've given here if you feel you must.

You don't 'owe' her anything. What has her DH done to make up for being home late that night? If anyone was in the wrong it's him, not you.

Soffy · 13/01/2020 12:45

Just say no

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HermioneWeasley · 13/01/2020 12:46

In the immortal MN words, no is a complete sentence

Nicknacky · 13/01/2020 12:47

Tell her no, it’s not possible for you to do it.

TokyoSushi · 13/01/2020 12:47

Absolutely, 100% no, do not do this!

Bright and breezy 'Oh I'm sorry I can't, I don't actually go to school anymore at pick up as DC walks home.'

Done, finito, no further negotiation, you do now owe this person anything!

TokyoSushi · 13/01/2020 12:47

**not owe!

Quartz2208 · 13/01/2020 12:48

find the strength to say no

FairytaleofBykerGrove · 13/01/2020 12:49

Reply with this:

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 13/01/2020 12:50

OP you have a very warped sense of having to pay penance and this woman is not a friend as she is using this weird guilt you feel and abusing you.

As a widow why isn’t she supporting YOU with pick ups and childcare?

And you do know you did nothing wrong right? You invited someone in and listened to music. If that overstepped what his wife felt comfortable with then that was on him.

Please find new friends and do not under any circumstances keep providing childcare

Divebar · 13/01/2020 12:50

Did she actually ask you to look after her children as a direct result of the husband coming in to your house? Or did you accept because you felt guilty of this complete non event? You need to say no - say you have plans and be very vague about what they are. She is being a CF for the record. ( she can pay for childcare like the rest of the world )

FramingDevice · 13/01/2020 12:51

No one is this much of a doormat, surely. Her husband sat annoyingly in your living room in the early hours just after you were widowed were you too polite/drunk/grieving to say 'Go home! I want to go to bed!'? so you look after her difficult children for two years as a self-punishment? Just say no to the whole nonsense, OP. Grow some backbone.

Hoppinggreen · 13/01/2020 12:52

You are finally free from the school run ( only 5 more months for me)
Why the hell would you do it for anyone else, apart from as a one off in an emergency?
Absolutely say no, even if you had shagged her DH you should say no

Spied · 13/01/2020 12:52

Strange how you mentioned that night. Why is that night linked to requests to look after her DC?
It's very strange if she believes you did something with her DH and you're paying off the debt?
Actually giving in to requests makes you look guilty if this is the case.

Raindancer411 · 13/01/2020 12:52

She is using the situation to blackmail you into doing things. Say no! Yes you shouldn't probably have let her other half stay until 4, but I think she cannot expect you to be her skivvy

gamerchick · 13/01/2020 12:54

This is your perfect timing to get out of the whole thing. Big breath, type out you can do any of the childcare anymore and send it. She's a piss taker and you're letting her.

I've heard of a hair shirt but come on OP. You've paid your dues and it wasn't much of a crime in the first place.

gamerchick · 13/01/2020 12:54

*can't

eminencegrise · 13/01/2020 12:55

Jesus wept, you're doing community service for this blackmailing, emotionally manipulative lunatic and actually questioning it? She and her husband are not friends, they're freaks! FFS, get a self esteem. Get rid of her!

HollowTalk · 13/01/2020 12:56

I think you shouldn't have had the guy there until that time of the morning - it would be enough for any partner to panic. Having said that I could understand it if she cut you off (though actually her husband is the one she should blame) but how on earth did you come to work for her as a childminder as penance??

Mammatino · 13/01/2020 12:56

You are not unpaid child care. Just because you have don't Fridays doesn't mean she can automatically assume you will add to that. The husband thing is bull shit, as PP said how did the husband atone? Who makes you pay penance for something so innocent? What help and support do you get from her? Whose terms is the friendship on? She's a user and not your friend. I am sorry for your loss, unscrupulous people do tend to get their hooks into vulnerable grieving people and call it help.

Drum2018 · 13/01/2020 12:58

Wow, she's really taking the piss out of you. As of today tell her you are not in a position to collect or mind any of her children again. Give her a couple of weeks notice to sort the Friday out and then find some new friends. She's using you. She's punishing you for something you didn't do but then again you are allowing her to do this. Why on earth you felt you owed her anything just because her fucking husband stayed to chat to you is beyond me. Is she paying you for the Friday afternoons? When you tell her you are not going to do it any longer you do not need to apologise or make excuses. You simply say, 'actually Geraldine, this arrangement of childminding doesn't suit me anymore so as of the beginning of February I won't be minding your children'. You don't need to get into a conversation about it and if she starts whinging about it just keep saying it doesn't suit me. She can argue with that!

Damntheman · 13/01/2020 12:59

I don't see that you ever made a mistake at all? I'd think absolutely nothing of my husband chilling out with our mutual friend that late. Stop atoning for something that a) wasn't out of line and b) even if it was out of line would have been entirely her husband's fault.

Simply say no, you can't help her out with the 7 year old anymore as you're no longer in the vinicity of that school. Two years you've done free childcare for her. Two years!!

Say no, enjoy your free afternoon! Your time is so precious.

BorissGiantJohnson · 13/01/2020 12:59

All she's owed is the truth. If you've told her the truth about that night you owe her nothing more. Just say no. If you shagged her husband that night and that's why you're feeling guilty like you owe her anything she asks to make up for it then just put a stop to this insane guilt/payback thing right now. Tell her the truth, and just nope the hell out of friendship with both of them. Either way you are in no way obliged to be inconveniencing yourself to do their bloody childcare, and the fact that they're cheeky enough to lumber this on you just because you won't say no shows they are not worth being friends with and they don't value you or care about you at all. They're selfish knobs. Time to just say no.

xyzandabc · 13/01/2020 12:59

Not even sure why you're even thinking about this.

My first thought would be, oh I don't do the school pick on Wednesday so can't help, sorry.

End of conversation, nothing to think about.

Winecheesesleep · 13/01/2020 13:04

Absolutely, 100% no, do not do this!

Bright and breezy 'Oh I'm sorry I can't, I don't actually go to school anymore at pick up as DC walks home.'

Done, finito, no further negotiation, you do now owe this person anything!

Totally agree with this.