Am I being mean to my friend if I don't want to look after her child?

[Bobewing]

Hello,
Try to cut a long story short. I've known my friend for 10 years, we first met when our children were at nursery. Two years later I lost my husband and it was then just me and my four year old. Shortly after this happened I went on a night out with my friend and her husband and a few others. She asked her husband to walk me home. I really don't remember who invited who in (drunk too much) but he stayed and we talked and listened to music. Nothing at all happened. I said to him you must go - this was say 4am - he went and although nothing had happened I knew it wasn't the ideal thing to have done. I apologised etc. She kept her cool but it came to be that I would look after her two children every Friday after school while she was at work. I did this for two years - they are not easy children. So in my mind I have kind of made up for any mistakes I have made? However, she would now like me to pick up her 7 year old son from school most Wednesdays. I no longer have to be at school as my 11 year old walks home, plus he has afterschool football so I have a nice free afternoon. I don't get much free time being a widow doing everything by myself. I am really resentful of doing this, there are other mum's picking up their 7 year olds in the playground could they not grab him? Plus even his nan keeps saying no to having him and that she is going out? I like my friend very much and I'd like to say can I help in another way like looking after her cat. I don't seem to have the strength to say no though and I'm getting really annoyed with the situation. Please advise.

Yesterday you had an arrangement to provide childcare every Friday.
You now have an arrangement to also help out with her cat, and on Wednesdays "if it's an emergency".
You said you don't need to do the school run yourself any more, but you and your child will now be stuck at home two days a week. Or will you go out on Wednesdays and tell her you're not available if she calls?
It sounds like you feel you cannot say no to this person. If she asks for something she's not offering anything in return (if you do aaa I'll do bbb for you). However you're saying "I can't do aaa every week. How about if I look after your cat instead, and yes I'll do aaa some weeks".

Do you not see that she's taking advantage of you?
Once you start saying "no" she'll have more respect for you.

Good lord! Offering to help with her cat instead?? Just say NO to helping her at all. When her long list of emergencies start flooding in (as they inevitably will) how are you going to respond? Maybe you can practice saying or texting the word No quickly before she contacts you. Did you tell her that you won't be continuing the Friday arrangement or are you still stuck with her difficult children? Free yourself from her and find some decent, non piss taking friends.

Wtf! You said no. You’ve been doing this for two fucking years and she’s saying you’re “back up for emergencies”

No.

Just. No.

If I were you I’d ignore all calls and texts and if she asks you face to face you’re busy.

What has this woman ever done for YOU??

Why does she need help with the cat?

Not being able to do pick ups was your get out of jail card.She is going to have emergencies all the time now.

Get someone on here to write you a nice text and get rid of this cf once and for all.

Are you picking the cat up from school?

I don't get it.

Agree, there will be regular emergencies. I suggest you give her 1 month's grace, and count how many pick-ups you've done in that time. Then book a regular appointment to overlap with Wednesday 3pm AND STICK TO IT.

You don't owe her a thing!!

I think the suggestion of asking HER for some ad hoc childcare will be illuminating...

Could the cat do the school pickups?

What you need to do @Bobewing is now go back to her and say "Oh CF, I've had an opportunity to check my diary and I can no longer look after your cat/goldfish/plants/whatever as I have a personal appointment that I can't reschedule and as I mentioned, I'm not in a position to do the school run anymore so I can't be your 'Emergency' contact there".
You are under no obligation to expand on what your personal appointment is (could be curling up on the sofa watching Judge Judy for all it matters) or when it is. It is sufficient for her to be told that you're not looking after her stuff/child anymore. End of.

Best of luck to you!

Why did you offer to look after her cat?!

You need to have something on now on a Wednesday so you can’t be the back up plan. I guarantee there will be an ‘emergency’ every week.

Please say you don’t still do Fridays?

She should be helping you! You are widowed. Why did she punish you for hanging out with her DH and not her DH?

She really is no friend of yours whether you like her or not. I’d back off and focus on other, true friendships.

Why are you so determined to run around after someone who has treated you like shit?

You are allowing yourself to be exploited by her. Why?

It's a step in the right direction. Now be busy forever

Why did you offer to help with the cat .
She's taking advantage of you, you do not need to be her babysitter or cat sitter forever more because you listened to music with her husband.

Did she need you for emergency childcare today?

You have acted far more guiltily than you needed to.

I can just imagine the conversation in their house 'You say nothing happened other than listening to music, but why is she guiltily taking on our child care responsibilities?'

You are not helping, you are feeding into her 'you cheated' narrative, even though you didn't!

Could the cat do the school pickups?

She must have a great life. I presume the DH does all the housework, bed times, provides surprise bouquets etc etc, then you doing years of child pickups - all when nothing actually happened.

I think a straight 'go fuck yourself' would suffice.

Seriously OP, you're a doormat just say NO and WTF has the cat got to do with anything?

So long as you have clear cut boundaries on what you will accept as an ‘emergency’ all good.

To be honest we all have friends we can count on in an emergency, but we don’t stipulate it like a contract!!

Please OP, do not do ANYTHING more for this woman, she has coerced you into free childcare and is now wanting more. It’s completely wrong and you need to think about how you will ease off doing Friday’s too. You are beholden to this woman in a really unhealthy way.

She asked me to have her son tomorrow again after school but I said that it's difficult as I no longer have to be at school pick-up and can I help with the cat instead. She said could I be back-up in an emergency, to which I agreed. I feel so much better. I need to grow some I think!

Yes, you really do need to grow some.

You never said - is her life vastly busier than yours? Does she have much less support than you? Why does she need so much help from you? And what do you get back?

Please stop talking like a human doormat. I have a visual in my head of you going into a submissive posture on the ground as she approaches! Next to the cat! This does not sound like an equal friendship. Maybe it is in real life, but you're not representing it that way.