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Original poster

Am I being mean to my friend if I don't want to look after her child?

127 replies

Bobewing · 13/01/2020 12:42

Hello,
Try to cut a long story short. I've known my friend for 10 years, we first met when our children were at nursery. Two years later I lost my husband and it was then just me and my four year old. Shortly after this happened I went on a night out with my friend and her husband and a few others. She asked her husband to walk me home. I really don't remember who invited who in (drunk too much) but he stayed and we talked and listened to music. Nothing at all happened. I said to him you must go - this was say 4am - he went and although nothing had happened I knew it wasn't the ideal thing to have done. I apologised etc. She kept her cool but it came to be that I would look after her two children every Friday after school while she was at work. I did this for two years - they are not easy children. So in my mind I have kind of made up for any mistakes I have made? However, she would now like me to pick up her 7 year old son from school most Wednesdays. I no longer have to be at school as my 11 year old walks home, plus he has afterschool football so I have a nice free afternoon. I don't get much free time being a widow doing everything by myself. I am really resentful of doing this, there are other mum's picking up their 7 year olds in the playground could they not grab him? Plus even his nan keeps saying no to having him and that she is going out? I like my friend very much and I'd like to say can I help in another way like looking after her cat. I don't seem to have the strength to say no though and I'm getting really annoyed with the situation. Please advise.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 13/01/2020 15:43

I'm glad you're going to say no.

You're not at school that day to pick up, so no.

Just ... no. Offer NOTHING else. You are in no way at all obliged to her.

BrendasUmbrella · 13/01/2020 15:46

You've been carrying out penance for her DH being at your house?!

(Tbh I don't blame her for finding it a bit dodgy but you can't go around imposing punishments on people!)

mummyway · 13/01/2020 15:48

Wth grow a backbone. She is using you and your guilt. Push back and say no

Interested in this thread?

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WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2020 15:50

I find myself really, really wondering what sort of person this woman is (I'm not going to call her your friend). If she actually thought you had shagged her husband the normal reaction would have been to cut you dead and throw him out. Or something a bit visible and unmistakably demonstrating hurt. But no, instead you find yourself being substantial unpaid childcare for her - would she really trust you with her kids if she thought you'd any part in her husband breaking his vows? No, of course she wouldn't! She knows damned fine nothing happened, but she has found it awfully convenient to use your common decency against you to make you feel you owed her. This is NOT a nice person.

Decline her request. In fact, it is well past time for you to stop being her skivvy, and just inform her she needs to find alternate arrangements for Fridays too.

You don't need to give a reason (although personally I'd be telling her I'd realised how much of a mug I was to think she was my friend in any shape or form) just say it doesn't work for you.

I do wonder if she'll try and guilt you by saying something to you about you owing her in some way, because she will have become very used to all this convenience and is likely to feel aggrieved that you've woken up to her manipulation. Indeed, she feels so entitled that she was stepping up her demands to include Wednesdays.

Do come back if she does @Bobewing. I'm sure there will be many good suggestions for how to deal with it.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 13/01/2020 15:52

Just put.

Hi -

Just to let you know that I wont be able to do the school pick ups for you from next week.My kids walk home alone now as you know so I'm not in a position to help anymore as its disrupting plans that I want to make for that day.

YasssKween · 13/01/2020 15:57

Bloody hell OP she's really done a number on you!

It makes me sad as this is the sort of thing my lovely mum would fall into and not feel able to confront it.

If she replies please do not immediately concede to what she says or apologise. Promise yourself you will wait at least an hour to respond to her so you can do so with a clear head, not out of (misplaced) guilt or panic!

And, only if you want to, people on here will be able to help you come up with a further reply that you're comfortable sending.

Do NOT beat yourself up any more over this, you'll feel so relieved when it's sorted.

She's being a shitty friend and actively stopping you from opening up your life to be happier - you've been a supportive and reliable friend. If there's a fall out then it's on her.

BrendasUmbrella · 13/01/2020 15:57

I like my friend very much and I'd like to say can I help in another way like looking after her cat.

OMG I didn't see this... Why does your friend need all this help? Maybe you can offer to come round to her house after work so she can rest her tired feet on your back while she watches Corrie, that might work for her?

Find your spine. You are not a carer for this family. Focus on your own family.

LemonPrism · 13/01/2020 16:00

Wtf. An apology and a bottle of wine should've been enough - not two years free childcare. She's taking the piss you didn't even kiss him or anything....

Hanjipan · 13/01/2020 16:05

So she hasn't paid you for 2 years child care? I find it hard to believe that people like you exist op. Why are you being such a doormat?

Rainallnight · 13/01/2020 16:08

Does her husband have to pay penance? I notice he’s not picking up his own children and looking after them...

SunshineCake · 13/01/2020 16:10

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and I hope you are strong enough to get rid of this leech.

perfectstorm · 13/01/2020 16:23

Agree with PP. She doesn't think you had anything inappropriate with her husband, or she'd not want you near her kids. What, you think your husband has had a thing with a vulnerable, newly widowed friend, and your next step is to ask her to play Mummy to your kids, too? Please.

If one of my friends lost a loved one, let alone a DH, I'd be offering childcare. Not asking for it. That's what decent people do. I'm aghast that her instant response was to use you - who does that?!

Bin her off. And I do not just mean for childcare. What a selfish pair they sound.

SilverySurfer · 13/01/2020 16:38

Unless you forced the DH to stay listening to music until 4am by tying him to the sofa, you have nothing to feel guilty about, although I would have sent him home pronto personally as some wives don't trust their DHs or single friends and she's obviously one of them.

I don't understand why you looked after her brat for TWO YEARS. What possessed you?

You simply say 'That's no longer convenient'. End of message. Don't apologise, don't make excuses. Just finish it. If she pushes, tell her to fuck off - she's not a friend, she's a user.

champagneandfromage50 · 13/01/2020 16:52

If you find it difficult to say no she will keep asking. If your anxious then hide behind text. No offers of some other form of help. Just a no

Fifteenthnamechange · 13/01/2020 17:20

You're not mean, you've done nothing wrong & I would use this as an opportunity to put a stop to this Friday nonsense.
I'm not very assertive OP & would hate this. Do it by text

Orangeblossom78 · 13/01/2020 17:24

OP what support has she given you, as a widow?

You know that if you cut down the stuff she wants from you and continue the friendship as normal, this might tell you how much of a friend she really is? If she just wants you for what you can do for her, that isn't really a friendship. It's using you.

Original poster

Bobewing · 14/01/2020 11:14

Hello

Just want to say a big thank you for the advice yesterday - it really did help me to make sense of this stupid situation. I spoke face to face with my friend this morning. She asked me to have her son tomorrow again after school but I said that it's difficult as I no longer have to be at school pick-up and can I help with the cat instead. She said could I be back-up in an emergency, to which I agreed. I feel so much better. I need to grow some I think!

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/01/2020 11:16

Just be wary of there being an 'emergency' every week... but small steps.

MrsMelanieHamilton · 14/01/2020 11:17

Hmm I’m guessing there will be an “emergency” very regularly.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 14/01/2020 11:21

Why did you offer to help with the cat instead?

This woman is not your friend.
She only wants you around for what you do for her.
You don't need to do her childcare for her. You should put yourself and your own son first. You could be doing something nice after school on a Friday - or just spending time together at home.

perfectstorm · 14/01/2020 11:24

OP, in what way has she helped you out? A single parent, widowed not that long ago (two years really is not that long, with a bereavement such as this). What has she done to support and help you - especially given the extraordinary volume of free childcare you've given her?

Well done for saying no. That has to have been hard.

Notsure94 · 14/01/2020 11:30

You can still say no by the way if there's an "emergency" in the future or you don't want to cat sit. Just say "I'm really sorry I've got other plans that day" you can say it as many times as you like

I agree you are being completely taken advantage of and are far too nice for your own good!

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/01/2020 11:41

"She asked me to have her son tomorrow again after school but I said that it's difficult as I no longer have to be at school pick-up and can I help with the cat instead. She said could I be back-up in an emergency, to which I agreed. I feel so much better. I need to grow some I think!"
WHY? Why did you offer to help with the cat when she hadn't asked you to? Why do you still feel like you have to cowtow to this massively cheeky fucker?

And what are you going to do when this week, next week, and every week after that is an 'emergency'?

You really need to work on your self-esteem.

EL2019 · 14/01/2020 11:47

Here’s what you need to do:

Ask her yo do you a favour. Maybe have your DC for a day at weekend do you can go to an appointment.

See if this a mutually beneficial friendship, or someone who is using you.

Her reaction to being asked a favour will tell you a lot.

ApacheEchidna · 14/01/2020 11:54

Hmmm. I suspect that "emergencies" will arrive at least 2 weeks out of every 3. She is a CF.

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