If you're parents worked full time when you were a child...

[Newyearnewme2020]

What do you wish they had done differently?

I'm worried that my dc will grow up to hate that I work full time. At the minute I have to work full time, I don't have a choice to cut down. I feel guilty and want to know what I can do to make it easier for them.

I am gone from 7am until 5pm Monday to Friday. I am there for them every morning when they wake up and have a few hours with them before bed every evening. I do their bed time routine.

I bring ds to all his training and scouts in the evenings and always go to his football, rugby blitzs etc at the weekend.

They are with my mother when I'm at work so they are well cared for and looked after.

Without being too hard on me, please tell me what you wish your parents had done for you when you were younger.

I have no bad memories or regrets at all about my mum working full time, as she did throughout my childhood. Like you she was home at 5 and I have loads of lovely memories of how we used to spend the evenings together. She’s an inspiration to me, and I’m in awe of how she brought up 3 children while working.

Please don’t feel guilty it sounds like you’re smashing this.

Nothing. They worked FT. My mum set a great example for me. She was a very good mum and a very successful professional. She loved her work (worked till she died aged 74!) and earned more than my dad. When she was with me she was very attentive. There were no phones in those days but she believed in ‘quantity’ time not quality time so she never scheduled things for us to do. Same with my dad. He read to me, made models, painted with me, and they both just spent a lot of their non work time with me. That’s all.

No not at all. I spent time with my grandparents after school and played and it was great. When I was older, I stayed home by myself in school holidays and relaxed and met up with friends and it was also great. It never occurred to me that it should be any other way.

I think it also instilled a really strong work ethic in me and I’ve grown up very grateful for how hard my mum worked so we could have a stable life. As an adult, I’m also grateful it means that in retirement she has a huge pension and a good quality of life and doesn’t have to rely on me for financial support now that I have my own family.

I was always very proud of DM. She set a great example for me. I would have definitely liked it if she'd been able to come to more school events but I always boasted about her working to my friends whose mums were at home. Now I have DC and work full time I feel guilty but I try to remember how I felt about DM working.

Not sure how much this counts, as my parents were both teachers at the time when teaching staff arrived at, and left school about 5-10 minutes before and after the pupils so my mum who taught at school close to where we lived was home around the same time as me, unless there was a staff meeting, when I would go to a friend's house.

However, this was in the '70's when not many of my friends' parents worked. I think because my parents had pretty equal jobs, my dad did a lot more at home than my friends' dads did, do a more modern day example really.

We were latchkey kids from being in the infants which we really hated. It was more acceptable then though, with no before- or after-school clubs. We were jealous of the kids whose mums were there at the end of the day.

Looking back, I think they tried to make up for those periods of 'nothing' at either end of the school day by having a full schedule of classes and activities lined up in the evenings and at weekends. I think they felt like productive parents that way.

My mum was a single parent and we didn’t have much cash, so from Easter to September she often worked a 70 hour week. I also started working part time at 13, but was very highly motivated to work hard at school to enable me always to be self sufficient if necessary. My husband and I have always worked full time. I have no regrets and am very proud of my mother who taught me hard work and resilience which is now paying off. My son is also a worker who has just got into uni and very much enjoys the perks that working hard brings. I’ve never felt guilty about working for a second.

Both my parents fab but they both went through a stage of having an extremely nightmarish boss and mum in particular would be weepy and angry at home as a result of the shit she was having at work. When the nutter headteacher left and was replaced by a normal person things got better for the whole family. I was doing my GCSE’s at the time so not tiny but it’s made me determined not to take work stress out on kids.

My mum worked and overall think it was beneficial. My sister and I have a good worth ethic and it meant more financial security for us as a family. We had lots of quality time together as a family.
The one thing I would change is my mum and dad were pretty disorganised with buying food and often they would come home from work and then we would have to go to the supermarket to buy dinner and this would usually be some form of pre prepared food. As an working mum now I meal plan/batch cook to make sure there is always something ready for the evening.

Your set up sounds great. Home by 5, providing them with a good routine, loving extended family care, stability and financial security. You should be proud..
My experience isnt that relevant as both my parents did shifts and good quality childcare didnt exist in the same way as now. They had a rota of friends and one real childminder in a very ad hoc pattern around two shift work patterns. So, I was going to say a timetable showing me who would look after me and when would have helped me a lot. They also stopped with childcare very young compared to these days so I was lonely. But you dont need a timetable for your children and i doubt you will stop childcare early.

Why do you sound as though you think being a FT working parent is an unusual or odd thing, OP?

My dm didn’t work full time until I was 10/11. My df worked shifts, do he was in the house, but could be asleep if he was on nights, do we knew not to disturb him.

We’d sometimes meet mum from work half way. She’d chat to us and make sure we were organised at home and at school. Probably why I’m so organised now as an adult.

My mum worked PT, but she worked evenings when my dad was home to look after us. This meant we only really saw her between 3.30 and 6pm when she would be busy getting tea ready, etc. It was our normal and I cant say I felt any resentment about it.

The point is that working FT isnt always the issue it's made out to be when it comes to having children.

It's a difficult one for me. DM went back to work FT when I started school at 5. She had a very successful career and I felt immensly proud of her. Also didn't want for anything and she was able to buy me lovely things, we had great christmases and holidays abroad etc.

She was also very stressed, DF did some cooking but it was mostly DM and she would make the evening meal when she got home from work 6pm. I used to hear her going over work conversations out loud when she got back. For her I think a successful career came at a price but it was a massive part of her worth and identity

I longed for a mum who stayed home, cooked nice meals, helped at school, baked, had time to read stories (don't remember ever being read to), took me to the library and museums. Instead my Grandma did those things in school holidays.

Not a critism of you OP whatsoever, we have to do what we have to do.

DH and I work full time and DM has always watched DD.

I think if you have family, its easier on both parents and child.

DM used to be a childminder. She had one child from 6am to 6pm. That child is now closer to DM than her own parents. Always phones DM up for advice before her own parents. DM does always try to tell her to speak to her own DM but its a difficult relationship there.

the child is effectively our little sister, so much so that she was our bridesmaid for me and DSis wedding. She's now 24 yo. She was v spoiled by her parents but that was more money and toys rather than attention.

Not criticising her parents - they have done well (big house and big salaries) but it did make my mum insist on me NOT using a childminder myself and giving up childminding to care for DD.

I was fine with it.

I wish my dad had been around more as he was more patient and loving than my mum. I wish they had got decent holiday childcare - rather than leaving me on my own in the library.

But I absolutely loved having the house to myself after school every day

Nothing. My siblings and I had a fabulous childhood because mum and dad worked hard and had no money worries.

I work very long hours as a single mum, but dd and I have a lovely lifestyle which I wouldn’t want to give up to be part time. I hope she’ll appreciate the effort I put in to make sure she has a secure and worry free childhood.

Both of my parents worked full time when I was a child.

My dad was 9-5 Monday to Friday but commuted across the country so was out of the house from 6am-7pm Monday to Friday.

My mum did 8pm-8am night shifts Friday Saturday and Sunday nights so I never really saw her at the weekend, except for a few hours when she was getting ready for work. But she would do all of the school runs and nativity plays etc.

My dad took me to ballet, drama and horseriding at the weekend when my mum was asleep but I basically never saw him in the week until I was a bit older and stayed up a bit later. I couldn't have done these things without them both working full time though and I got a lot out of those activities.

It was never a big deal to me because it's all I'd ever known. I still saw them and was with at least one of them most of the time.

I did say no when my mum said she would work more hours to send me to private school though. I thought she worked too hard already.

My mum sometimes worked full-time and sometimes part-time in the course of my childhood (she always worked). I have absolutely no idea when she was and wasn't working full-time and actually didn't know she went back at four months (and then I went to a childminder) until we were talking about it when I had DS - which suggests it didn't have a massive impact on me!

I'm now a full-time working mother and while it's not always perfect - and I'm currently planning an application to go down to four days a week - I don't have nearly the angst about working that a lot of women I know did, I think because I just always assumed I would. I think a SAHM seems like quite an odd concept to me because I didn't have one.

My Mum worked 9 to 4 (p/t)?! in the 60s when few other women worked .I am a stay at home Mum, and have always been there after School /hols etc . If ypu have to work then dont feel guilty .There is no perfect set up really .You will have more money overall but less time, and that is life isnt it everything is a trade off really .

My only grump was that mum wouldn't let me go to the summer playscheme in town (she was a teacher)! She didn't work full time permanently until I was 5, but did supply before then so I can't remember her not working. My dad worked at Leyland, with an early start so I had to get up at 5.30 to see him in the morning (which I did sometimes), and until I was 11ish, he had fixed holidays which didn't correspond with the school holidays so apart from christmas we did't get extended time with him.

My memories are very happy of my childhood, and I've always worked FT too

i recently asked my kids if they minded me working, mainly FT during their upbringing. And they were amazed that i even asked. To them it was just part of me and they said they couldnt imagine me being a FT mum. I sometimes think we worry about this more than them, and i think the lack of molycoddling has helped make them into fantastic youngsters who are confident and less reliant and socially comfortable

My mum did work full time (and still does), she would leave for work at 7am, come home between 5-6pm and then sit down and do more work until 8-9pm. This effectively meant that we didn't get any time from her. For a long time my older sister was generally the person cooking dinner, my step-dad also worked full time and had different finishing times each day. It was a very lonely childhood, and I was desperate for attention from my mum, so I suppose I do have a pretty negative experience of parents working full time.

That being said, you sound as though you do have some work/home balance and you do get to see your children and spend quality time with them so it is different in that way and I do think that as long as you can maintain an interest in your children then your doing ok.

My Dad worked FT after my Mum died. What I would have liked - I won three awards at school (one in primary, two in secondary) I would have liked him to take time off to go to the awards ceremonies (he never took time off for things like that. Ever. Told me it wasn't possible, now as a working adult I know that's not really true. Especially as he had 'good' employers at the time)

Would have liked him to show me how to breakdown tasks (like homework or revision)

Would have liked him to provide proper meals for us all or teach me. We lived on bowls of cereal and ready meals

I have to say that one thing that I did grow up with was quite a negative view of SAHMs - I used to feel a bit contemptuous of anyone who was 'just' a mum, and that must have come from my mum though I don't remember her actually saying anything - and I have tried to shift that in recent years. I still don't want to be one but I can see the internalised misogyny in my previous attitude now.