If you're parents worked full time when you were a child...

[Newyearnewme2020]

What do you wish they had done differently?

I'm worried that my dc will grow up to hate that I work full time. At the minute I have to work full time, I don't have a choice to cut down. I feel guilty and want to know what I can do to make it easier for them.

I am gone from 7am until 5pm Monday to Friday. I am there for them every morning when they wake up and have a few hours with them before bed every evening. I do their bed time routine.

I bring ds to all his training and scouts in the evenings and always go to his football, rugby blitzs etc at the weekend.

They are with my mother when I'm at work so they are well cared for and looked after.

Without being too hard on me, please tell me what you wish your parents had done for you when you were younger.

My parents always both worked ft . It was shit tbh, but (and it's a pretty big but)my mum worked shifts so didn't get home until nearly 8 which meant I barely saw her during the week. My dad would take me to my childminder or Aunty's house and they would take me to school, then I would go back to them after school and dad would pick me up at 5.30-6. I suppose it might have been quite unusual at the time (80's) but my dad did most of my day to day care, made my lunch and tea, sorted out reading books, letters from school etc. My dad's role changed when I got tot secondary school and he was away 4 days a week which I absolutely hated and I missed him terribly. Maybe I was a particularly clingy needy child but I spent a lot of time missing one or other of my parents. Your set up sounds totally different to my family's at the time. I really wish they'd been around during more but my mum could never have been a SAHM, she would have hated it. Both me and my sister became SAHMs.

Nothing.

Both my parents worked full time when we were children and I don't hate them for it. In fact, it's given me a better work ethic.

My mum worked during the day sometimes but mostly evenings and my dad worked during the day. Mum would feed us and dad would put us to bed. We got an equal amount of time with them and they made sure our weekends were full of activities we could spend together.

My mother was a single parent a long time ago and had to go out to work as soon as I started primary school. Part-time (mornings only) until I was about 8, and then I was given a front door key and she worked full time. I don't remember feeling sad or upset and I'm certainly not resentful.

I hated the childminder. She was nice enough but was never really a successful childminder and it was only ever me she looked after long term. I felt like I played second fiddle to her own children and didn’t enjoy it at all.

Thanks all for the reassurance, its good to see that so many of you see your working parents as strong role models.
I've taken a few tips from some of you where you said you wish things had been done differently.

@FeigningHorror I don't think it's unusual or odd at all, I know it's very common. I always feel guilty going back to work after the Christmas break and even more so this year because I'm leaving a small baby aswell. I just want to make the best out of the situation that I can for them, so I want to know others experiences.

I hated it it only because I was shoved from child minder to minder until I was 9. Then I was a latchkey kid from then on and I ended being followed by a man who tried to get me into his car on the way home when I was 10.

I thought it was great when I hit my teens though and it has given me a good work ethic.

It's much easier when you have family to help. My parents didn't and we didn't have breakfast clubs and after school clubs etc back then

I can offer an alternative view too if it helps. I had a sahm. And although there were positives there were negatives too. I struggled to become indépendant, I was a very 'young' teenager because I constantly had a parent at home so was late learning basic skills and the confidence to do things independently from my mum.

Additionally I resented her for not working, especially when we were in secondary school. My dad has a minimum wage job so we really struggled financially, my mum is intelligent and had a good degree but preferred lounging at home. She used to snipe at my dad and complain that we didn't have two cars/holidays abroad. She didn't do any work really and the house was always a mess, which when all her kids were out all day at school/activities was baffling really.

It caused resentment that she didn't really do anything and just moaned. But gave me a really good work ethic to earn my own money and be financially independent.
Just pointing out that having a Sahp isn't the be all and end all.

As a young child it was a mixed bag depending on childcare. We had a lovely cm who we adored and got on well with her kids. She fed us, did our school spellings and reading etc and we benefitted from the situation. Other childcare was more hot and miss and we would have preferred being at home.

I found it difficult in my teen years as my dm worked ft long office hours and we no longer went to childcare so often relied on friends' parents for lifts to activities or after school etc. I was often in the house alone and coped rather than enjoyed it. My df worked shifts so was sporadically around but not enough to be reliable or for him to have a real handle on routines and needs. My parents were v distracted at weekends too by my grandparents care needs so we missed out entirely.

I have worked ft for most of my dc lives and think it benefits them mostly. I make sure they have childcare they like, are wel fed and don't miss out on extra curricular activities. I take part in pta activities and engage with school a lot. So I try to mitigate a lot of the negatives I experienced.

I do plan to be more available in high school years though.

Blimey. Reading this thread what working parents need to do differently is stop being so rude about sahps!

My parents both worked ft with a long commute and by the time I was 10, mum was working abroad every other week. I had a childminder who I loved who took us to school and was at home until one of parents came home.

My DP thought this was awful (he had sahm) but for me it was normal and I never minded. In fact even as a child I was proud of my mum's job. And the best bit was my dad let us have pizza / curry / Chinese through the week when mum was away

However now, my parents are retired but active people with good social lives. Very independent but enjoy spending time with us when we are there. DP's mum however is desperate to be involved in our (her son's) lives and has few real friends or interests. Her life was (and, in her mind, still is) her sons. As a result she's now quite unhappy. (Not because of anything we do, but she has totally unrealistic expectations, ie living 30mins away is too far.) Not saying this is all sahm obv, but I think you do have to be more careful to not become isolated

I don't remember any negative feelings about it at all, most memories of my childhood are of happy fun filled times. We just did as much as possible during weekends and holidays etc

As a child I hated it with a burning passion.
I hated being dragged around at the crack of dawn to be shipped off to a real active in the holidays when my friends got to sleep in.
Then I hated having to go to the childminder who's kid was really annoying.
Then I hated that we would get home from School to an empty house and then she would be so tired when she came home.

As an adult I see that she was a kick ass single mother who did it all. She was and still is a brilliant perfect mum. A hard worker and kept her shit together.

My dm was a single parent. I know the reasons why she had to work full time but we both hated it. Never at sports days, assembly etc. All care fell to my grandparents, who I did adore. But I do remember that thinking numerous times, why bother having 2 kids if you literally only see them on the weekends? She got us up and dressed in the morning, 30min tops. Had breakfast in grandparents. Then we were picked up after dinner so she really only put us to bed. All homework etc done with my grandparents. She really didn't do alot of parenting at all. Then 1 day with her at the weekend and 1 with our dad. Even then she was but doing stuff in the house that she didn't do during the week. I have never worked full time since my 1st for this very reason. I made it through primary school with my mum doing 1 drop off. I remember being so envious of the other kids running to their mums and spending the rest of the day with them. And I missed my house too, my friends that I couldn't play with.
Of course I say to my mum, oh don't worry. I know you had no choice (debatable) you gave us a good work ethic etc. What's the point in telling her the truth? It won't change anything. She was a nurse too, as am I. So I know how easy it is to do shift work. I wonder why she went for 5 days a week rather than 3 long days. We would have had a lot more time with her that way. But she was always studying and moving up the ranks. It just left me feeling like we were the negotiable things and not work.

I had to go back to work FT when my DD was only five and a half months old. I wasn’t thrilled about it but had no choice. I had quite a few people making comments about having children and then not being there. I did worry a lot about not being “close” to my DD and her development.

But then it did occur to me that my DH (now Ex) was never questioned about his relationship or his impact on her development. Why was I carrying the entire guilt burden? I decided that as long as she was being cared for my someone who she loved being with, then I would put that burden down.

She’s at uni now, bright, fabulous, independent and doesn’t care remotely about me working FT all the way through her childhood! As parents we are programmed to worry about everything. If you have to work, you have to work! Personally I think you are setting a brilliant example. If I hadn’t been working full time then when my shitty H did decided to leave for OW, I would have been right up the creek money wise.

My parents both worked full time and had very little support from their own parents. Although my mum worked term time only until I was 10, so she was around in the holidays. I have a very strong relationship with both my parents - I know how much they love me, which is the main thing that matters!

My mother went back to work when I was 4, but I have no recollection of ever being really aware of it, so can't have been traumatised by it.
That said, she was a teacher, and we attended the school she worked at, so that's probably why. She was always around after school and during the holidays, so we could chill out at home (don't even suppose there were such things as after-school clubs and holiday in the 70s). My dad commuted up to London full-time my whole life, but I don't remember him not being around for substantial parts of my childhood. He features strongly in my memories.
But it gave me (and now my own children) a good work ethic. I started my first job (on Saturdays) at 14 and have never not worked since (apart from two 5 month maternity leaves).

My mum worked full time because she was a single parent and had to.

I have zero issues about it whatsoever. We went to a friend of her house when we were little, then she picked us up at 6 ish i think, then when we were a bit older (maybe year 5?) we got keys to the house and sorted outselves out. I would cook for us so that there was a meal ready when my mum got in, but she often left things like casseroles in the oven, so that I just had to do potatoes or veg to go with it. I grew up to be very independent and I wouldn't change a thing. My brother was 2 years older but i was the more responsible one!

@ButiLoveHim32

I used to be a nurse in the late 90s...where I worked 12 hour shifts didn't exist yet...they came in early 00s. We did earlys (7-3), lates 1:30 - 9:30, or nights. Off duty was non-negotiable so could have runs of 10 on, four off etc... I imagine if it was the same where your mum worked it may have been why she took at M-F job as fitting child care around shifts would have been impossible.

Do men ever question their choices when they work FT with small children?

It would be lovely to be rich enough not to work. My DM didn't work but it meant we didn't have a lot of money when we were young. Money isn't everything but it meant as children we never went on holiday and couldn't afford nice things. The fact that my DH and I both work FT means we can afford things like that. My DC are very well looked after and we still spend lots of time with them in the evenings/weekends/holidays.

This works for us. Let's not judge other people for whatever choices they make whether they are SAHPs or PT/FT working parents. At the end of the day everyone is just trying to get by and provide the best life they can for their families.

I didn’t like being left on my own and having to walk to school alone. This was circa 1988 though

willowstar we still had long days here then. She just choose differently. She didn't want to stay our now band 5 equivalent. She went down health visiting route etc then onto nurse prescribing / practioner etc. Personally I would have waited until we were out of Primary to start moving on up in my career given our family circumstances. She would absolutely have no idea how we felt about it though. Everything people are saying here about not caring about it, great role models etc, she would think the exact same. As I say, no point ever mentioning it. I just make sure not to repeat it.

ButiLoveHim32
Why do you only resent you mum for behaving the way she did? Your dad seems to have done much less than her, he basically left all parenting to her.
It sounds as if your mum was left to do it all and coped as best she could.

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bestbefore why would you think that? She was the one I lived with and who worked full time so that's what I am commenting on. Now start a thread about feckless alcoholic fathers, and you'll soon see my feeling about him! This thread was a mother, specially asking about her working full time and others views as children. Which I answered.