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Original poster

Wedding Drama...

93 replies

TheFemmeFatale · 27/12/2019 14:17

I get married next year. My fiancé and I had agreed we don't want children at our wedding other than initial family which are his neices and nephews. He has 8 neices and nephews with one on the way. His neices and nephews will be aged 6-21 at the wedding, all are part of the wedding party (bridesmaids, flower girls, page boys and saying readings during ceramony). His sister is having someone babysit their newborn as she too didn't have young children at her wedding and suggested to me that she'll ensure she has someone to watch baby.

Now for my dilemma: my maid of honour (best friend of 25+ years) feels that her son who will be 2 years old at our wedding should be invited as he is the same to me as my fiancé's neices and nephews. I've explained that it's family only children considering the price of the venue/meals and at 2 years old he's significantly younger than the kids invited. She's said she cannot believe he isn't a page boy and I am a disgrace. I've been accused of allowing my fiancé to dictate this whole wedding because his family are involved. I have a very small family, I'm an only child as is my father and my mother. If I invite my best friend's son, my fiancé's best man has 5 kids - 3 of them under 5 years of age. None of this was what I wanted for my wedding day. Its an expensive venue and we already have quite a large number of guests, we can't afford to add on another 9 children. I have tried to explain all this without any success.

She has told me over Christmas might I add that if her son is not invited she will not be my maid of honour and will not be attending my wedding. I am absolutely heartbroken. Our other friend and my other bridesmaid is involved, she has made it clear she agrees with MOH. Am I being unreasonable? I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 27/12/2019 14:20

Tell them to fuck off

Pinkyyy · 27/12/2019 14:23

She's a selfish cow and I'd tell her to get lost.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2019 14:24

Tell her to post her side of things on here, she’ll get her arse handed to her.

Your only option is to say she’s made her choice then and won’t be in or at your wedding.

Did she definitely know her son wasn't invited when she said she’d be your BM?

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Weddings

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/12/2019 14:27

Tell both of them to fuck off!

With attitudes like that they probably don't add too much joy to your life anyway
.
Would you try the same at any party of theirs? Let alone their wedding...

Original poster

TheFemmeFatale · 27/12/2019 14:28

We've been friends 25+ years. I never officially asked, I didn't have to and I had told her we didn't want children there but she is saying she thought that was an exception to her son.

OP posts:

peardrops1 · 27/12/2019 14:28

God, she sounds like a nightmare! Does she has form for behaving like this? What is she like usually?

letsdolunch321 · 27/12/2019 14:31

Your day, you decide. A true friend would accept the situation, If she wants to be that person who lets you down she is no friend.

Cut ties and move on

Pinkyyy · 27/12/2019 14:32

Why should her son be an exception? Is she royalty or something.

ChristmasCroissant · 27/12/2019 14:32

So all the children on your fiance's side are coming but none from yours? No, that doesn't seem fair tbh (and are you sure your SIL would be happy to leave a newborn?)

Palavah · 27/12/2019 14:33

She's called you "a disgrace"??

Especially given that you're an only child I wouldn't have thought you at all unreasonable if you had wanted to invite the son of your maid of honour when there are 8 Ns + NS on your fiance's side. (And still not invite the best man's children if you don't want to).

But if you don't want to then she's unreasonable to strop at you like that.

Awrite · 27/12/2019 14:36

I think you should invite her son.

I guess she sees you as a sister. Her words and actions are perhaps coming from a place of hurt.

Ultimately, I think you will regret it more than she will, given you have no family other than your parents.

VanyaHargreeves · 27/12/2019 14:36

I'd consider the friendship at an end

You can't dictate someone else's wedding/wedding party

When one of my best friends got married, she didn't have me as a bridesmaid.

I was secretly really hurt, but went along and smiled etc on the day.

We remain best friends and she never sees 2 of the women she chose over me. I don't hold it against her as I know were I to marry, I too could find myself overwhelmed by the politics of obligation in choosing a wedding party.

Your friend needs to grow up.

Disillusioneddaisy · 27/12/2019 14:39

I sort of see her point in that it seems a bit unfair to have certain children going and not others. If you want a blanket approach 'no children' policy that's absolutely fair enough but it does invite trouble a bit to include some kids and not others.

That said I think it's outrageous of her to argue with you about it and to threaten not to come. Is she always so pushy? Imo she should go along with what you want whether she likes it or not. She sounds like a cow and I don't blame you for being upset about how she is behaving.

Butterflyflower1234 · 27/12/2019 14:44

Weddings always bring out the worst in people. Explain a final time to your 'friend' that no other children are invited and she you understand if she would prefer not to come.

It's yours and DH2B wedding, no one else opinion matters.

VanyaHargreeves · 27/12/2019 14:44

Surely at a future point when it's all calmed down, if you give in, the resentment will linger because you will have felt coerced and she will process the fact that even though he stood there in his outfit, you didn't really "have him" you "had him under sufferance" and the bad feeling will last either way.

Alarae · 27/12/2019 14:44

I will have an 8 week old at the time of my friend's wedding next year. She told me they are not having children other than direct family, and I respect that and said I would ask my mum to look after her. She mentioned children are welcome to the reception, but I wouldn't bring my baby out just for an evening as it would be unsettling.

I can see why she finds it difficult to the difference in treatment as she probably views your relationship as pretty much family, so the same rules to your DH's family should apply.

Difference is, there IS a fundamental difference that no matter how close you are, she isn't 'family'. There is a line to be drawn somewhere and that's where you have put it, which isn't unreasonable. To her, it is.

It sounds like she's put her opinion out there and this will likely ruin your friendship going forward. Which is awful, as if you give in, you will resent her for making you do it.

mummyh2016 · 27/12/2019 14:49

I was bridesmaid for my friend in the summer, my two year old was invited but I didn't take her as toddlers at weddings are a nightmare! I wouldn't have enjoyed the day at all and was happy for me and DH to let our hair down childfree.

Xmasfairy86 · 27/12/2019 14:52

If she actually used the term disgrace to you, I’d be considering the friendship as a whole not just whether she should have the privilege of being MOH.
The absolute cheek of it!

It’s your wedding. Your choice.

Harriedharriet · 27/12/2019 14:52

Seems like she considers you family. Very close family.

You have told her now that she is not.

I bet that behind the anger she is really, really hurt.

Unwittingly, you have completely redefined your relationship.

user1493413286 · 27/12/2019 14:56

She’s over reacting but to be honest at weddings I think it should be all children or none; I don’t think just family children is the way to go. I’m closer to my bridesmaid than siblings in law so would rather her kids than theirs

TSSDNCOP · 27/12/2019 14:57

The costs of your bridesmaid dress bill is going to reduce dramatically.

I think this is one of those times you have to stick to your guns.

BelfastNonBlonde · 27/12/2019 15:01

I think your friend is being a bit of a stroppy cow and very unreasonable. You have decided no kids (as did I) but for immediate family. As PP have said you have drawn a legitimate line in the sand as to what kids are invited.

Having said that - if she is going to cause problems, Are you more likely in the long run to regret the impact on your friendship than you are having him at the wedding? Possibly..

I was so preoccupied at my wedding I doubt I would’ve even noticed kids in the end.

I do think, however, if you give in and invite Him you would need to give him a role, to avoid also having to invite the best man’s brood!

Winterdaysarehere · 27/12/2019 15:04

Can't imagine how much help she could be to you with a toddler on tow...
Suggest they both stay home.
And mean it..

Shelby2010 · 27/12/2019 15:06

How often do you see your friends DS compared to your fiancé’s nephews & nieces? I would make a exception for her if you are that close.

Spitsandspots · 27/12/2019 15:07

YANBU.

What a terrible friend! I would sack her and the other BM off and either pick someone else or just stick with the flower girls.
On the plus side if your awful MOH & BM no longer go that’s a saving on a couple of meals. A real friend would not be dictating who you should invite to your wedding.

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