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Original poster

Wedding Drama...

93 replies

TheFemmeFatale · 27/12/2019 14:17

I get married next year. My fiancé and I had agreed we don't want children at our wedding other than initial family which are his neices and nephews. He has 8 neices and nephews with one on the way. His neices and nephews will be aged 6-21 at the wedding, all are part of the wedding party (bridesmaids, flower girls, page boys and saying readings during ceramony). His sister is having someone babysit their newborn as she too didn't have young children at her wedding and suggested to me that she'll ensure she has someone to watch baby.

Now for my dilemma: my maid of honour (best friend of 25+ years) feels that her son who will be 2 years old at our wedding should be invited as he is the same to me as my fiancé's neices and nephews. I've explained that it's family only children considering the price of the venue/meals and at 2 years old he's significantly younger than the kids invited. She's said she cannot believe he isn't a page boy and I am a disgrace. I've been accused of allowing my fiancé to dictate this whole wedding because his family are involved. I have a very small family, I'm an only child as is my father and my mother. If I invite my best friend's son, my fiancé's best man has 5 kids - 3 of them under 5 years of age. None of this was what I wanted for my wedding day. Its an expensive venue and we already have quite a large number of guests, we can't afford to add on another 9 children. I have tried to explain all this without any success.

She has told me over Christmas might I add that if her son is not invited she will not be my maid of honour and will not be attending my wedding. I am absolutely heartbroken. Our other friend and my other bridesmaid is involved, she has made it clear she agrees with MOH. Am I being unreasonable? I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 27/12/2019 15:08

If you need reason, tell anyone who asks that he’s your godson.

misspiggy19 · 27/12/2019 15:09

**Seems like she considers you family. Very close family.

You have told her now that she is not.

I bet that behind the anger she is really, really hurt.

Unwittingly, you have completely redefined your relationship.**

^This. Give her time to calm down. Meanwhile why are there no kids from your side invited????

Harriedharriet · 27/12/2019 15:10

I really do not buy the Mumsnet "your wedding your choice". A wedding is usually (not always) a gathering of extended family and friends who come to wish you well for the next phase of your life.
Everything about them is compromise. Money will define most of the day - the where, how many guests, how much food, what people drink, what you wear , flowers and so on. Relationships will decide who comes, who declines, your placement, etc.
Personal taste and personality will influence as will the compromise between the couple and their respective parents.
Weddings are all about compromise. The planning of them would be a much easier and more enjoyable process if that were accepted.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Purpleartichoke · 27/12/2019 15:13

If you were actually having a child free wedding, she would be out of line, but you aren’t actually child free. You have invited many children, but excluded others.

I would let her resign as moh. She isn’t going to be happy in the role at this point and as a guest, she will have fewer commitments do’s child care may be easier to arrange.

HeyMac · 27/12/2019 15:14

I'm more surprised someone is happy to leave their newborn just because you are getting married tbh.

Ginger1982 · 27/12/2019 15:15

"Meanwhile why are there no kids from your side invited????"

I'm guessing that as the OP is an only child, as are her parents, there are no children to invite!

Shelby2010 · 27/12/2019 15:18

If my best friend didn’t want my child at her wedding I would have been really hurt.

Obviously after having taken a toddler to a wedding I then realised what a massive PIA they are & left them with babysitters after that!

hidinginthenightgarden · 27/12/2019 15:19

My Best friend is getting Married next year and I am a bridesmaid. My kids are not invited. I am okay with that. Their wedding their choice!
Your Friend is making about her and it isn't!

cstaff · 27/12/2019 15:19

You have to draw the line somewhere when it comes to numbers at weddings. You have done this by including nieces and nephews which is fair enough. If you make an exception for her where does it end. She is being completely unreasonable. So she either needs to accept your decision and get a childminder or call a halt to a long and close friendship. Give her time and hopefully she will see sense.

LadyLightning · 27/12/2019 15:21

It is your wedding - do it the way you want to and ask them to respect you enough to follow your wishes for the day.

Nancydrawn · 27/12/2019 15:27

I'm with Harriedharriet.

If this is unlike herand I'd imagine it is, if you've decided to stay friends for over 25 yearsthen you should ask yourself why.

Friendships like this are rare and invaluable and not to be cast aside lightly. That doesn't mean you never shouldtoxic relationships don't get privileged by timebut it does mean that you should think long and hard before you do anything irreparable (like tell her you don't want to be her friend, as some are suggesting).

If she's that important to you, talk to her.

WorldsOnFire · 27/12/2019 15:40

Urgh OP I’m sorry to say but I think YABU

I got married last year (huge stately home affair) and one thing that really stuck with me was ...you either have children or don’t have children. You don’t cherry pick whose kids you invite and whose your don’t. If the person is at your ceremony/meal then they’re obviously very important to you. Going around and signalling who is ‘more’ important by discriminating between kids is unkind and will (rightly so) cause drama.

Also, the ‘child free’ vibe will be long gone if you’ve already got 5+ kids coming. So half your ceremony will have gotten baby sitters/made arrangement, just to then have to endure other people’s kids all day.

VenusClapTrap · 27/12/2019 15:55

Well she’s very rude and entitled. But...

This is why if you’re going to have a child free wedding, it’s best to have no exceptions. The moment you start inviting some children but not others, someone’s nose is going to be put out of joint.

Ginger1982 · 27/12/2019 15:58

"The moment you start inviting some children but not others, someone’s nose is going to be put out of joint."

If it's 'family children only' then nobody outside the family has the right to have their noses put out of joint.

GrannyBags · 27/12/2019 16:03

Your wedding, your choice. You have decided family children only and stuck to it. You haven’t invited the BM children so your friend has no right to call you a disgrace. She is out of order.

mnahmnah · 27/12/2019 16:04

I would count this as a lucky escape. She’s shown her true colours and is not a real friend. Good job you’ve found out now rather than later. I wouldn’t want someone like her as my maid of honour. She really is the one with an issue. You are being totally reasonable and a cut-off of family children only is very sensible.

Hassled · 27/12/2019 16:06

I agree that her reaction is less about whether her child is there and more about the realisation that in your head she's not family, while in her head she's definitely family. And you are sending slightly inconsistent messages - no children apart from the 8 children who are allowed. It's a nightmare for you though and I do sympathise.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/12/2019 16:09

But there is no inconsistency... family kids have been invited... no other kids have been.

That is just as precise as 'only the people named on the invitation have been invited' - guests don't get to override that!

Nonnymum · 27/12/2019 16:12

I'm more surprised someone is happy to leave their newborn just because you are getting married tbh.
Me too, is it her first child? It seems a very odd thing for anyone to agree to do.
Personally I dont like child free weddings because I think they should be occasions where people on both sides including children come together. But it's not my wedding so it's your choice. But if your friend doesn't want to leave her child that's up to her as well and you have to accept that she might not want to attend your wedding.

bubblesforlife · 27/12/2019 16:17

Her threats are low blow! Shame on her!
Regardless, of kids or no kids, using this against you means she isn’t much of a friend!
Has she been a b!tch about other things?

SarahNade · 27/12/2019 16:18

OP, you are not being unreasonable for having a child-free wedding. But you are being unreasonable for inviting some children - and not others. I don't care that he is your fiance', it is simply inappropriate for him to invite his nieces and nephews. Why? They are not 'immediate family'. Immediate family is brothers, sisters, parents. That...is.....it. Nieces and nephews are EXTENDED FAMILY. Never would anyone describe them as 'immediate family'. Because they simply not.

Child-free weddings are the only way to go imo, but your fiance' really needs to pull his head in and not invite the nieces and nephews. If you are going to throw the net so wide as to invite child nieces and nephews, you may as well invite EVERY child any of your guests may have. You CANNOT invite distant relatives like child nieces and nephews, and not your Best Friend's child. Your best friend's child would have more right to be there than distant nieces and nephews. So your thinking on this is so messed up, badly prioritised and unfair. You made a rod for your own back the very minute you decided to invite fiance's child nieces and nephews. They don't need to be there as they are children and not close family.

My advice: NO nieces or nephews, they are distant relatives, and children. So, no. Flower girls and page boys, all unnecessary extravagance imo. If you have a child-free wedding, ditch the flower girl/s and page boy/s. They are really not necessary and just complicate your no child policy.

A beautiful wedding on a mountain top, near a waterfall or a beach is the best. None of this page boys/flower girls stuff needed. The minute you have all these children in these roles, you've just demolished your no child policy, you opened the door to all this. Ban ALL children, including nieces or nephews, OR, invite all children. Unfortunately you can't have it both ways.

Ginger1982 · 27/12/2019 16:21

"I don't care that he is your fiance', it is simply inappropriate for him to invite his nieces and nephews. Why? They are not 'immediate family'. Immediate family is brothers, sisters, parents. That...is.....it. Nieces and nephews are EXTENDED FAMILY. Never would anyone describe them as 'immediate family'. Because they simply not."

This is a weird attitude! 🙄

FriedasCarLoad · 27/12/2019 16:24

you either have children or don’t have children

I disagree. Cherry picking children based on how much you like them would be bad! But it's reasonable to
-invite only family children
-invite only older children
-invite only children who live so far away their parents have to stay overnight
Etc

Saying you have to choose between either excluding nieces and nephews (hurtful!) or including everyone's children (would have more than halved how many people we could invite) is ridiculous.

81Byerley · 27/12/2019 16:26

Tell her you won't be dictated to by her either, and so you're grateful she's given you enough notice to find someone to take her place, and ask the other bridesmaid if she wants to resign as well. Honestly, you're better off without "friends" like this.

SarahNade · 27/12/2019 16:28

How is it a weird attitude? I could understand if the OP or her fiance' had a much younger brother or sister, and they were invited, by why invite young nieces and nephews if you are having a child-free wedding? As many people before me said, you either invite all or no exceptions. I'm hardly the first to express this sentiment on this thread.