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Original poster

Wedding Drama...

93 replies

TheFemmeFatale · 27/12/2019 14:17

I get married next year. My fiancé and I had agreed we don't want children at our wedding other than initial family which are his neices and nephews. He has 8 neices and nephews with one on the way. His neices and nephews will be aged 6-21 at the wedding, all are part of the wedding party (bridesmaids, flower girls, page boys and saying readings during ceramony). His sister is having someone babysit their newborn as she too didn't have young children at her wedding and suggested to me that she'll ensure she has someone to watch baby.

Now for my dilemma: my maid of honour (best friend of 25+ years) feels that her son who will be 2 years old at our wedding should be invited as he is the same to me as my fiancé's neices and nephews. I've explained that it's family only children considering the price of the venue/meals and at 2 years old he's significantly younger than the kids invited. She's said she cannot believe he isn't a page boy and I am a disgrace. I've been accused of allowing my fiancé to dictate this whole wedding because his family are involved. I have a very small family, I'm an only child as is my father and my mother. If I invite my best friend's son, my fiancé's best man has 5 kids - 3 of them under 5 years of age. None of this was what I wanted for my wedding day. Its an expensive venue and we already have quite a large number of guests, we can't afford to add on another 9 children. I have tried to explain all this without any success.

She has told me over Christmas might I add that if her son is not invited she will not be my maid of honour and will not be attending my wedding. I am absolutely heartbroken. Our other friend and my other bridesmaid is involved, she has made it clear she agrees with MOH. Am I being unreasonable? I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2019 16:30

My DDs MOHs 2 year old was a page boy at her wedding, but his granny brought him to the venue and took him home after the photos. No other children invited apart from her sisters 4 yr old.

The bridesmaids are being absolutely awful and trying to blackmail you. Don't let them. Just say you're sorry they feel that's way and you'll ask someone else to be your bridesmaid now. I bet they change their minds.

Ginger1982 · 27/12/2019 16:34

"How is it a weird attitude? I could understand if the OP or her fiance' had a much younger brother or sister, and they were invited, by why invite young nieces and nephews if you are having a child-free wedding? "

Because I would most definitely consider them family. My DH has 3 nieces and 3 nephews. I would never have considered them not being at our wedding. Kids of friends are completely different. You can, of course, have family kids and no other kids.

frumpety · 27/12/2019 16:37

How is she going to be the MOH and look after a 2 yr old all day as well ? Is her husband going to be around to look after him ? It sounds like the recipe for a very stressful day for both MOH and her child, could you both compromise and the child comes to the evening bit ?

Interested in this thread?

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Weddings

NorthernLightsInWinter · 27/12/2019 16:39

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is our wedding and we're having it the way we've planned it. If you truly feel you can no longer be a part of it, please let me know by X date so I can plan accordingly. And don't worry, I won't be angry or upset. I only want people at my wedding who will be happy for us and happy to be there."

Winterdaysarehere · 27/12/2019 16:39

Ime which ever 'rule' you impose some cf will break it.
I had dc free wedding except my dc.
Night before one of my friend's dd was on Instagram showing off the dresses her and her dsis had got for my wedding.....
What was I supposed to do then?
The one in the bright fuschia dress appeared like Where's Fucking Wally at the side of every photo....
Spell out how you want your day op or resentment and stress will ruin your day.
And every town you see a pic you will be cheesed off...

DeRigueurMortis · 27/12/2019 16:51

I agree with some of the other posters that I think you've made a bit of a rod for your own back by inviting quite a large contingent of children already.

Yes, they are blood relations but I can see why your friend feels like she should be an exception given your long standing relationship and that she is a member of the bridal party.

That said I think she's OTT with her ultimatum and that would really annoy me. If she'd simply asked nicely then I'd let her son attend (though why she'd rather not enjoy a child free day/evening is beyond me tbh) on the basis that you can extend your exceptions to be family or bridal party without opening the floodgates to more demands.

So, fundamentally it really depends how much you value her friendship/want to enable her (poor) behaviour wrt how she's dealt with this and if you do accommodate her can you put her behaviour behind you or will you resent her?

If you think you can't move on from this then your only choice is to call her bluff and select a new MOH.

MulticolourMophead · 27/12/2019 16:54

OP has specified family children only, there's nothing wrong with that. It's not as if she and her fiancé are selecting random kids.

The MOH needs to understand that and quit the blackmail attempts, and the other BM can also back off the subject.

cstaff · 27/12/2019 16:54

@Winterdaysarehere
I just loved your comment about where's fucking wallet. Hilarious 🤣🤣🤣. Just picturing it going on.

MoonlightMistletoe · 27/12/2019 17:18

Is her child your god son ? If so I'd invite him and if not then no invite.

WhoTheFuckisGail · 27/12/2019 17:18

Nope, totally don't agree that it should be all children or none. Relatives (children) are an accepted exception when it comes to children at weddings. Friends, no matter who they are, get no say. She's MoH, how exactly is she going to look after her 2 year old at the wedding??

My relative has a child free wedding coming up. Nieces and nephews are excluded with the guise of too many children would have to be invited as they have friends with children too. I disagree and think that nieces and nephews are acceptable at 'child free' weddings. Yes it's their wedding but noses have been put out of joint with their stance. Which funnily enough only excludes relatives from the grooms side, not the brides as there are no children on that side.

jamburglar · 27/12/2019 17:24

What an awful "friend"! No-one else should get to dictate to you who gets invited to your wedding. That is between you and your partner. Tell them both to jog on.

Pipandmum · 27/12/2019 17:33

My cousin was very disappointed I didn't ask her 3 and 5 year old to be part of my wedding. She lives in another country and I'd only met them twice and it had never occurred to me to ask them. I asked my closest friends 5 and 7 year old who I knew very well. They were at the ceremony and for the photos/drinks/canapes but then their grandmother took them home as it was otherwise child-free. My cousin threw a strop saying she had bo one to look after her kids etc etc and couldn't come. Well of course she did come - she wasn't going to miss out! Plus she used the occasion to announce her third pregnancy...!

Concestor · 27/12/2019 17:36

HarriedHarriet is right. You've really hurt her. She thought you were close as sisters and family and you've basically demoted her to "just" friend.

You need to talk to her and acknowledge her hurt or you will lose her forever.

Original poster

TheFemmeFatale · 27/12/2019 17:53

Yes I was the last born on our side. It isn't that we have hand selected children. His neices & nephews won't be toddlers.

OP posts:

holly40 · 27/12/2019 18:22

I would feel as your MOH does.
It's your decision to have a chid free / only some children wedding, but as we know from the hundreds of threads about it, it doesn't usually seem to suit guests so she is not being unreasonable to decline the invitation to attend & be MOH.

We have declined two weddings this year due to childcare and travel & I never feel bad about it. The only wedding we are set to attend this spring is inclusive of kids & much more straightforward for us to attend. Really looking forward to it.

bubblesforlife · 27/12/2019 18:45

I’m 3 months on from my own wedding. I stipulated no children except for close family. I did really nice wording to make sure it was nice and friendly. If I has opened the ‘floodgates’ (so you speak) I would have had to invite probably in excess of 50 children to a 140 wedding, making it 190-200.
It’s your wedding, your money, your decision (with your DP of course).
I had no issues from anyone about this as it’s a reasonably thing to say.
I’ve also had MOH issues, where we have no spoken since the wedding, and didn’t speak much after my hen party. Let’s just say, she wanted to be the bride, made a lot about her and made my life very difficult and caused a lot of hurt and upset. Lots of demands and bad attitude. I asked her “ do you want to be my MOH?” She said yes. I explained she couldn’t do it to me again (spoil everything, lash out) and that I missed my friend. She didn’t lash out again, but she didn’t engage with me on lead up, she showed up, caused issues in ways I could never expected, smiled for the camera and all my guests and left. Didn’t come near me aside the formal parts all day!
Biggest mistake of my life not telling her to FUCK OFF! Now she’s in my photos. I am so upset.
Iron this out now OP, don’t let what happened me happen you. If she doesn’t get onboard, let her decide to step down, she already has anyways.

AntiHop · 27/12/2019 18:57

OP has your friend said anything about not being able to find childcare? Maybe that's the problem?

cstaff · 27/12/2019 19:00

@bubblesforlife
That's a real shame but a really good point also. You definitely don't want someone in a lot of your photos that you have fallen out with.

OP if your issue with your bm is not sorted and you have not properly made up maybe you think again about whether she should remain on as your bm. Btw as I said earlier I do agree with you on nieces and nephews only.

Original poster

TheFemmeFatale · 27/12/2019 19:02

Both her family & her partner's family provide childcare for her while they both work. Her & her partner have child free nights, holidays without the little one, overnights etc childcare is not an issue.

OP posts:

saraclara · 27/12/2019 19:07

She's said she cannot believe he isn't a page boy and I am a disgrace.

Having a 'friend' say that to me would finish the friendship.
"a disgrace"? Bloody hell.

Yesterdayallmyfish · 27/12/2019 19:07

I don't get this. It is nothing to do with children being allowed at the wedding or not. Her son is not invited. She can't just bring him anyway because he happens to be a child and other children are going. He isn't invited. You don't go to weddings you aren't invited to. If she doesn't want to go because he isn't invited then she is free to not go.

Notonthestairs · 27/12/2019 19:08

Have you pointed out to her that if she has her child there you will have to extend the invitation to the best man's 5 children?

I think by making this about a choice - your plans or her child - she's effectively ended your friendship. She's been quite graceless about it.

Sorry but I think you just to let her stew in her own feelings and assume that you just have flower girls.

BackforGood · 27/12/2019 19:09

Particularly with your last post, she is being ridiculous.
I'm not sure how she thinks she would be able to be MoH with a 2 yr old round all day ?

It is sad, but if she doesn't want to support you on your special day, then that is really sad, but her choice.
Don't be emotionally blackmailed by her. That really isn't what friends do to one another.

Leeds2 · 27/12/2019 19:18

I really don't think there is anything wrong with having family children only, if that is what you want. Your friend is being very unreasonable trying to blackmail you, so I would let her flounce and plan on her not being there.

R2519 · 27/12/2019 19:28

@TheFemmeFatale. I’m sorry to tell you but your MOH is not a real friend. My wife has friends who she has knows for 25 years. Since school and I say with certainty if she said to anyone of them no kids allowed they wouldn’t even question it. You are not doing it maliciously or just to her it’s something you want on your day. I would tell your so called friend she is uninvited and you are disgusted at how she has behaved. Any other friends of yours who cannot understand it’s your choice and she is out of order should be duly uninvited too! They are not real friends I’m afraid and if you do make an exception in 20 or 30 years time you’ll look back and regret it because ether probably won’t be in your life anymore anyway.

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