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Original poster

Wedding Drama...

93 replies

TheFemmeFatale · 27/12/2019 14:17

I get married next year. My fiancé and I had agreed we don't want children at our wedding other than initial family which are his neices and nephews. He has 8 neices and nephews with one on the way. His neices and nephews will be aged 6-21 at the wedding, all are part of the wedding party (bridesmaids, flower girls, page boys and saying readings during ceramony). His sister is having someone babysit their newborn as she too didn't have young children at her wedding and suggested to me that she'll ensure she has someone to watch baby.

Now for my dilemma: my maid of honour (best friend of 25+ years) feels that her son who will be 2 years old at our wedding should be invited as he is the same to me as my fiancé's neices and nephews. I've explained that it's family only children considering the price of the venue/meals and at 2 years old he's significantly younger than the kids invited. She's said she cannot believe he isn't a page boy and I am a disgrace. I've been accused of allowing my fiancé to dictate this whole wedding because his family are involved. I have a very small family, I'm an only child as is my father and my mother. If I invite my best friend's son, my fiancé's best man has 5 kids - 3 of them under 5 years of age. None of this was what I wanted for my wedding day. Its an expensive venue and we already have quite a large number of guests, we can't afford to add on another 9 children. I have tried to explain all this without any success.

She has told me over Christmas might I add that if her son is not invited she will not be my maid of honour and will not be attending my wedding. I am absolutely heartbroken. Our other friend and my other bridesmaid is involved, she has made it clear she agrees with MOH. Am I being unreasonable? I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

VenusClapTrap · 27/12/2019 19:32

If it's 'family children only' then nobody outside the family has the right to have their noses put out of joint.

The trouble, as illustrated here, is that there will always be people who want to bend the definition - ‘my child is practically family’ types.

Babes in arms only? You’ll have someone claiming their three year old is still a baby really. Over 16s only? But Bob here is 16 next month isn’t he, so surely he gets a pass! Etc etc. They might not ‘have the right’ to complain, but it won’t stop them trying to claim they are an exception, and bad feeling will result when they take it personally that you’ve excluded their child but invited others.

BloggersBlog · 27/12/2019 19:45

"I am really upset you feel that way, and cant now be my Matron of Honour but I understand that is your decision and wish you all the best"

YANBU - stick to how you want things. If you dont this WONT be your last battle before the wedding.

kulaexchange · 27/12/2019 19:53

I can see your friends point of view. If she's been your best friend for 25 years she's surely as good as family?

Also ... lots of people won't have left their kids at 2. Has she left her before? If not, she's probably worried/stressed about leaving them.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings

Notonthestairs · 27/12/2019 20:02

Kula - the Op posted "Both her family & her partner's family provide childcare for her while they both work. Her & her partner have child free nights, holidays without the little one, overnights etc childcare is not an issue."

scrambledeggs01 · 27/12/2019 20:41

It's your wedding and you are free to do what you want. However having a lovely expensive venue is pointless if you upset everyone. Just as you have a right to do what you want so does your maid of honor.

I had dreamt of a venue since I was a teenage that we used to visit, but when I came to get married my husbands family was massive and it was so important to us to have everyone there so we choose a cheaper venue and had everyone there with kids and a bouncy castle. Yes I compromised but I had everyone we wanted to share the day with there and that to me was the most important thing.

Up to you but seriously if my best friend of 25yrs invited me and not my children to the wedding i probably wouldn't go especially as it can be quite expensive being a maid of honor

Sunflower20 · 27/12/2019 21:09

To be honest, I don't see what the big deal is. There will already be 8 children there, would it really make that much of a difference to have one more? And you're prepared to lose your best friend over this...? Ultimately it is your wedding though.

Wonkybanana · 27/12/2019 22:02

OP although you have been friends for 25+ years, her son is only 2 - so not for much of that time.

Has she changed since she had him? She seems to be talking about only the one DC, so is she all pfb? Have you noticed that since she's had him, everything is now on her terms? That your meetings are all to suit her and DS, that it's almost all she talks about, that she's less interested in you than she was, and again only wants to talk about herself and her 'little family' (I hate that phrase but it conveys what I mean).

It may be that you've drifted in different directions over the last few years but you haven't noticed. And now the wedding has brought the differences into sharp focus.

CustomerCervixDepartment · 27/12/2019 22:10

Can yous not just elope? I’m Childfree and wedding guests in general and the lead up to a wedding are a fucking nightmare, so much theatrical cunty behaviour, I’d highly highly recommend just fucking off somewhere and having a lovely wedding by yourselves.

MirkwoodMiss · 27/12/2019 22:37

Sorry but a best friend would totally see your side and would respect your decision. Her behaviour is appalling and she should not be adding to your stress by putting this on you. You don't need a 'best friend' like that. Tell her to do one.

DoraleeRhodes · 28/12/2019 06:56

I had a similar situation. We had quite a smallish wedding and invited family children only (that was 10 children so quite a large proportion). If we had invited children of the bridesmaids and best man that’d have added another 9 (3 kids each), if we’d invited all friends’ children more than half the guest list would’ve been under the age of 10.
Everyone understood, apart from one bridesmaid who insisted on bringing her two, we agreed to keep the peace. On the day it turned out ok. The other bridesmaid and the best man were a little miffed but understood when we explained the situation.
She is being unfair to ask, and talk to you like that, but if you want to save the friendship I be tempted to agree, but be sure to speak to the other bridesmaids/best man in advance so they know it’s happening.

dreaming174 · 28/12/2019 07:25

Honestly you will see it in atotally different way after the wedding. It will not seem like such a big deal and on the day you won't notice him there. Just let her bring him and save your friendship. I was forced to invite someone I didn't want to, on the day I didn't notice them at all and it would have been very destructive if I'd made more of a fuss. Save yourself the upset and drama.

SproutMuncher · 28/12/2019 07:45

It will not seem like such a big deal and on the day you won't notice him there

Sorry but I totally disagree. Of course the OP will notice a 2 year old at her wedding, especially when here MOH is out of action because she is looking after him or her.

Silencedwitness · 28/12/2019 07:48

It’s difficult as you’re close friends. But why on earth would she want to bring her 2 year old? It would be a nightmare.

Italia2005 · 28/12/2019 07:51

She has demonstrated precisely why you should stick with your decision - the children you have made an exception for are (will be) your family and will always be family and you have to include them all, whereas your friends might not always be your friends throughout the rest of your life. If she is willing to throw your friendship away because she won’t respect your wishes this shows clearly that she doesn’t deserve to be invited herself, let alone be ‘rewarded’ the elevated status of MOH and all that entails. Be glad that she’s shown her true colours now which will save you from regrets at a later date. A proper and true friend would respect your decision and wishes - it sounds like she and that other BM need to grow up.

strawberry2017 · 28/12/2019 09:08

Why on earth does she want a 2 year old at a wedding? I love my DD but she would be a complete nightmare to keep amused and I'd rather have a child free day! 😂
You have to do what's right for you, regardless of what you decide her behaviour towards you has changed your relationship now anyway. I'm not sure you will ever Truely come back from this. What other demands is she going to make if you? This won't be the last.
People don't get to dictate your weddings. It's what you and your DHTB want.
If you are happy with what you decide then go with that.

altiara · 28/12/2019 09:13

I invited only family children to my wedding, i think it was perfectly acceptable as the people they would leave the children with overnight would all be at the wedding.
If I was MOH, would I kick up a fuss, I don’t think so but it would be kind to have explained where you’re drawing the line with kids.

MyCatScaresDogs · 28/12/2019 09:21

Um, it’s quite normal to only have family children at a wedding. I’ve been to a few where the rule has been family children only, with exceptions for babes in arms. In fact, I’m going to one next year where only I and our (approximately) 8 week old will be there, leaving DP and our 4 year old at home as they’re not invited. Not the way I would choose to invite people, but it’s my friend’s choice, I can understand her logic (cost) and I can choose to go or not.

chocolatefudgecake17 · 28/12/2019 15:45

I had family only children at my wedding. But I did make an exception for my best friends dd. She was 3 at the time and I had her as my flower girl.

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