MIL passing value judgement on not constantly being busy

[BanKittenHeels]

I live a busy life, I have an extremely stressful job and have lots of DC who all have a variety of activities daily.
At Christmas I like to stop and spend time with family and not constantly be go, go, go.

MIL can’t sit down, she seems to find it impossible and she judges me for not going the same. But she is snide about it, she doesn’t call me lazy, she’ll just say things like
“Another Christmas film? With so much to be done?”
“I would love to play with the DC but I have so much to do.”

To be clear I have done loads and will do loads more to contribute to Christmas.
I’ve just been out to pick up the meat, I’ve cleaned, I’ve made brandy butter, I’ve made dinner for tonight and tomorrow morning I will peel all the veg and sort the cheese board and puddings whilst DH makes Christmas dinner.
And she is somehow always faffing. Faff, faff, faff doing little to nothing and yet judging me for seeming, in her mind, “doing nothing”.
She really judges me for not being in the kitchen - seemingly doing nothing - but being where she thinks I should be.

I’m nearly in tears over this. As a family we are going through a really rough time, so it seems petty to bring this up with DH but my mental health is taking a real battering.

Does anyone else have this with their MIL?

Yes, and it makes me sad because she has NOTHING to do really and I think she does it to try and make her life sound busier. We don't see much of her these days but even now she'll be all "ooh I must dash, I've got x, y and z" and I think how much more enjoyable watching The Muppets Christmas Carol with the DC would be.

I am so busy most of the time that at Christmas I become a human sponge, inhaling trifle and refusing to move except to play Monopoly. It is bliss.

No but MIL is always busy but never gets anything done. I’m have no idea what she actual does with her time.

Can you rephrase it back to her in a positive light so you are looking for positives to remind you that you known that you are doing the right think.

“Yes. Nothing is more important than playing with my children at Christmas.”

“Yes. It’s lovely to make time in our busy lives to have down time. I think so often people are busy for the sake of it.”

You are doing the right thing for you and your family and you don’t need her approval.

Not MIL but DM. She constantly narrates her errands too - this is my 7 oclock job! I DONT FUCKING CARE!

Honestly I would just ignore it or take her at face value. Another film? Yes actually Ive been wanting to see this one for years - put the kettle on would you?

God I laughed at this, not you. It reminded me of my mother (we lived next door to MIL) at the time, my mum always had a duster in her hand, which became an excellent ploy against MIL who was exactly the same as yours 7 jobs on the go at once.
I am developing the same ruse, leave the hoover out in various places, plus duster convinces hubby I’m busy (not watching Virgin River on Netflix), it’s useful to have husband on “Find my friends”, I can keep an eye on his blue dot and leap into action in the nick of time..
Happy faux dusting.

It's her and her insecurities. It's not about you, try let it wash over you. Answers "yes, absolutely enjoying time with my children comes first" or ignore with a shorter "yup".

do we have the same mother-in-law? lol. she delights in snide comments.

I like 12:54 Selfsettling3 responses

Some people LOVE to play the martyr or play up their sense of importance that the world will end without their busybusy.

It sucks. The glorification of busy as a measure of our worth is something that needs to stop.

I don't honestly have much suggestion as to what to say other than the fact watching a film with a child is as valid a use of time as peeling veg or hoovering... if not more so. Children value our time, especially this time of year, more than they value shiny taps.

Do tell your husband.
I had to do similar over his Dad constantly making fat comments and jokes, leaving me feeling bullied. If we speak up we are the outsider, so your husband needs to speak up.

Sounds like she thinks her poor ds cooking !

Stick up for yourself or try n let her comments wash over you

She really judges me for not being in the kitchen - seemingly doing nothing - but being where she thinks I should be

This would really piss me off too!

Does she say the same about her son?!

If you’re at your house-it’s your rules.
If you’re at her house-go home!

Your children will value your time not pottering. It’s Christmas. Get wasted and see what she has to say

I agree I like selfsetting responses too

Ddij I doubt people report that to your mum ! She’s probably making that up

Memo to self op.
Spend less time with mil next year as you know she will obviously be too busy to see you all much....

How dare you not be in the kitchen like a good little wife, cleaning, cooking. Attend to your husband woman.🙄

(Sarcastic. Just in case...)

No advice, sorry,
I have just been reading your thread about your BIL which has had me howling
You
Must have the patience of a saint to deal with your DH family.
Personally I’d tell mil straight, that you are on HOLIDAY and are having some time to relax.

The glorification of busy as a measure of our worth is something that needs to stop.

Yes!

Can I add people who think being in bed after 7am is a crime, to the shit list? Let people be.

My mother is just like this, much as I love her, it drives me batshit
Previously, I’ve bought into it and run around like a blue arsed fly, now I refuse to, partly on the grounds of modelling to DD that it’s ok to rest and put her needs first
I fear it’s a multi generational thing and it stops with me!

Ddij wow that’s so weird !

Ha ! My mother is the same. Busy faffing and tries competitive busyness with me. She lists all the things she’s done when she phones and asks me what I’ve been doing. I simply say “nothing” to be met with a stunned silence. She’s stopped asking as she knows the reply.
Deep breath OP and don’t compete with her weird shit. It’s a game and you can opt out.

When people say they're busy 24/7 (eg haven't sat down all day, haven't had time to watch the 30 minute program I want to watch because I'm so busy, didn't have lunch I'm so busy and it's all day every day), I just assume they have very poor time management skills.

I have worked with people who stay in the office late when everyone else doing the same job as them leaves at 5/6 and again I assume they're bad at their job.

I think these people think they're impressing everyone with how busy they are but they just look a bit ridiculous when everyone around them can manage their time and get everything done.

Last point - funny how these busy-busy people always have oodles of time to tell you how busy they are!

Yorkie
I don’t have to deal with that BIL until the new year and I’ll be working nights for most of his visit, so I will barely see him.

I think I will use some of these lines.
She’s a nice woman, it’s just this constant need to be doing something, anything and then moan all evening about being tired that I don’t get.

We have two relatives dying at the moment, nothing needs to be done, we will all get fed somehow or some way. How she can’t see that family is more important at a time like this than snarking about how she needs to clean the extractor fan of Christmas Eve, is beyond me.

My ex-MIL is the same not overly snide but definitely judgey. The woman never stops faffing but never gets all that much done. My ex is actually the same. He takes an hour to clean the kitchen after I've already done most of it. He thinks he does loads more than me but really he just thinks he's busy - he's not actually productive.