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Original poster

MIL passing value judgement on not constantly being busy

79 replies

BanKittenHeels · 24/12/2019 12:49

I live a busy life, I have an extremely stressful job and have lots of DC who all have a variety of activities daily.
At Christmas I like to stop and spend time with family and not constantly be go, go, go.

MIL can’t sit down, she seems to find it impossible and she judges me for not going the same. But she is snide about it, she doesn’t call me lazy, she’ll just say things like
“Another Christmas film? With so much to be done?”
“I would love to play with the DC but I have so much to do.”

To be clear I have done loads and will do loads more to contribute to Christmas.
I’ve just been out to pick up the meat, I’ve cleaned, I’ve made brandy butter, I’ve made dinner for tonight and tomorrow morning I will peel all the veg and sort the cheese board and puddings whilst DH makes Christmas dinner.
And she is somehow always faffing. Faff, faff, faff doing little to nothing and yet judging me for seeming, in her mind, “doing nothing”.
She really judges me for not being in the kitchen - seemingly doing nothing - but being where she thinks I should be.

I’m nearly in tears over this. As a family we are going through a really rough time, so it seems petty to bring this up with DH but my mental health is taking a real battering.

Does anyone else have this with their MIL?

OP posts:
Lardlizard · 24/12/2019 13:21

Gardi lol I love your style !!

dottiedodah · 24/12/2019 13:27

Does she come from that generation of women who were at home all day and attending to the house F/T? Cant believe her DS is actually cooking ? in the 21st Century as well! Listen she is jealous of you, and has to show you "how" to be a good wife /Mum in her opinion! (1950 presumably !) Carry on relaxing and enjoying DC ,they are not small for long ,and will remember watching films and having a cuddle more than a less than shiny floor!

zaffa · 24/12/2019 13:28

@DDIJ you must invest in blinds. They can be slanted to prevent people looking in but still be open to let light in.

Why is Doris so interested in whether you are sitting or standing btw? Is there a back story here? Literally no one has ever commented on how much time I spend seated in my own home (or outside of my home to be fair). Doris sounds like a nutter....

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2020BetterBeBetter · 24/12/2019 13:32

I would just keep repeating to her that spending time with your family and children is much more important than unnecessary tasks in the kitchen which can wait. Flowers

zaffa · 24/12/2019 13:32

@BanKittenHeels is it her way of dealing with everything going on? Is she maybe trying to avoid dealing with the pain of what is going on by keeping constantly busy? Or has she always been like this even when things are going well?
You might find that even if she has, it elevates now because if she is constantly busy she's trying to exert control over her environment in some way, when things are happening well outside her control. Of course she may just be very judgy etc - I don't know her. But your last comment implies she isn't mean spirited or unpleasant so there may be something more going on beneath the surface.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 24/12/2019 13:33

Eyeroll her and say 'yes dear'. Or just say OTT stuff to her like 'yes, I'M SO busy, I've retiled the roof for Christmas as I don't want Santa looking at the state of my tiles and thinking I'm a slattern. I fell off a couple of times and I can't feel my fingers anymore but at least I'm keeping busy so that should help the concussion'

As a PP said it's a game you can opt out of, she's pressing your buttons. Grey rock technique is your friend here.

Also sorry you're having a rotten year, I wish you peace and all the best Flowers

Original poster
BanKittenHeels · 24/12/2019 13:37

She has always been like this and I can completely understand that she might have an upward swing of trying to keep busy with what’s going on. I’m not unsympathetic to the fact that we are all grieving before our relatives have already passed.

But she has been like this since I was a teenager. She was like this when I was a very junior doctor working nights with 2 small babies - I was expected to be faffing. No determined tasks, just to be seen to be doing.

Everyone should be doing, no matter the sex. But the women should be in the kitchen.
I’ve feigned a headache and come to bed for a cry.

OP posts:
mintich · 24/12/2019 13:38

Yep I have this! Shes always soooooo busy! It takes her hours to prepare a meal which we all have to hear about even though she normally gets everyone else doing the jobs while she occasionally stirs something. Or she's wandering round the garden doing outdoor jobs....good know what they are. She could do with tidying the house not whatever it is shes doing

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 24/12/2019 13:39

Oh BanKittenHeels ((((gentle hugs)))) I hope your DH steps in and tells her to knock it off

Sewrainbow · 24/12/2019 13:44

If you're a doctor you deserve to sit down and do nothing except eat and play with kids - what else needs to be done!?

I remember similar comments from my mum, saying I never had time to sit and cuddle you as a baby (I was her first!) And I said to her if I don't sit and cuddle him know when will I? I never remember her playing with us as children, she was always in kitchen. My memories are only of my dad playing games and reading to us Sad

Now my baby is 11 and wont let me anywhere near him, I'm glad I spent the time with him when he wanted me...

WeirdPookah · 24/12/2019 13:45

If it taken you to tears and hiding, speak to your husband now. Get him to step up and stand up to this crap.Flowers

Pandamumium · 24/12/2019 13:50

Yes, my MIL is like that. The first Xmas we spent at theirs, the children were 7, 10 and 12.
I prepared and cooked most of the Christmas dinner on my own, whilst dealing with most of the chidren’s queries. I then played board games with the children in the afternoon whilst the ILs and my DH slept.
On Boxing Day I prepared dinner again, though admittedly only cold meat, chips
and salad.
After dinner I sat down to use some of the presents I had been given while my husband cleaned up. My MIL complained that I was sitting down while my husband was working!

Whatnameisgood · 24/12/2019 14:02

Can you say something - explicitly addressing her comments - like ‘I knew I’d want to have some time to relax with the DCs today so I made sure I did lots of the prep over the last weeks and days, so I feel like it’s pretty much under control’ or whatever works ?

Whatnameisgood · 24/12/2019 14:04

Not in a shitty way, just pleasant and matter of fact

Bluetrews25 · 24/12/2019 14:06

Yes, when MIL is at the end of her life, I'm sure she will be pleased at how much she polished the kettle and not regret the little time she spent playing with her DCs.
Because, after all, the DCs will only recall how shiny the kettle was, won't they?

Bedheadretention · 24/12/2019 14:12

Shock @DDIJ

When you see Doris walking past, make an extra effort to casually throw one leg over the sofa arm and have a good scratch, arching your back for emphasis, give a cheery wave, then phone DM to report Doris walking past as usual, having an extra long gawp at you scratching your arse. Say it was a good job it wasn't 5 minutes before, as you were leant forward with your hand shoved down your bra flicking out biscuit crumbs onto the floor and haven't hoovered them up yet Xmas Grin

BaolFan · 24/12/2019 14:14

If Doris walked past my windows I'd give her the finger, whilst smiling cheerily as I stuffed another crisp in my gob.

PanamaPattie · 24/12/2019 14:22

My favourite response to my MIL criticising my every move was

  • "I neither need or seek your approval". That always shut her up. Enjoy your break OP. Don't let the fuckers grind you down.
Bluetrews25 · 24/12/2019 14:38

Or you could just tell her that you have saved enough lives this week and it's time to just be with your little ones. And ask her how many lives she has saved in her lifetime if you dare.

Butterymuffin · 24/12/2019 14:43

Can't your D H tell her to stop it? What does he say now when she does this?

Sammysquiz · 24/12/2019 14:47

My DM is like this! When I had PND she said she didn’t have time to be depressed when I was a baby Hmm

GenuineKlatchianPottery · 24/12/2019 14:54

Do some very noticeable sniffs and make a point of getting close to her, couple of really big sniffs then “Ah yes, I do love the smell of burning martyr, don’t you Mavis?”

Savingshoes · 24/12/2019 14:57

Suggested response to her jibes:
"Ah, I'm much better at time management than you it appears... got all my jobs done during the week (whilst parenting my DCs and working). Don't worry, there's always next year to get it right!"
And then turn round and enjoy your quality time with your children that you deserve as much as anyone else.

Sparkletastic · 24/12/2019 14:57

She has made extremely low self esteem which she is projecting onto you.

ThoroughlyForumed · 24/12/2019 14:59

My MIL is exactly like this - not the horrid comments so much though - just to CONSTANT faffing and fussing. I dont think I've ever see her sit down for more than 3 minutes at a time. She absolutely loves hosting dinners so we all go round and sit eating while she basically tries to do all the washing up and sorting the minute we all sit down, inevitably her food goes cold and she misses all the conversation so when she randomly sits down for a mouthful she'll say oh what are you talking about and we have to repeat everything twice for her. The worst part is she'll then moan that shes been so busy all evening that she didnt get a chance to really speak to us... like yeah no shit sherlock