MIL passing value judgement on not constantly being busy

[BanKittenHeels]

I live a busy life, I have an extremely stressful job and have lots of DC who all have a variety of activities daily.
At Christmas I like to stop and spend time with family and not constantly be go, go, go.

MIL can’t sit down, she seems to find it impossible and she judges me for not going the same. But she is snide about it, she doesn’t call me lazy, she’ll just say things like
“Another Christmas film? With so much to be done?”
“I would love to play with the DC but I have so much to do.”

To be clear I have done loads and will do loads more to contribute to Christmas.
I’ve just been out to pick up the meat, I’ve cleaned, I’ve made brandy butter, I’ve made dinner for tonight and tomorrow morning I will peel all the veg and sort the cheese board and puddings whilst DH makes Christmas dinner.
And she is somehow always faffing. Faff, faff, faff doing little to nothing and yet judging me for seeming, in her mind, “doing nothing”.
She really judges me for not being in the kitchen - seemingly doing nothing - but being where she thinks I should be.

I’m nearly in tears over this. As a family we are going through a really rough time, so it seems petty to bring this up with DH but my mental health is taking a real battering.

Does anyone else have this with their MIL?

I dont really have any advice as I feel I'm not as compassionate as you but I just say things like 'no thank you' cheerily when she suggests I do something when I'm trying to enjoy a break and then just ignore her

I have a busy-busy MIL who never has a minute apparently, time flies so quick, we never have time for anything. I think it’s just for something to say and to mask how completely unbusy and empty their life is.

My Mum is also a busy-busy person, she never stops, never sits down, no time for anything and it’s like being with a tornado tbh. Even a shopping trip can’t be enjoyed as she is like running here, grabbing things, ticking things off, if I even suggest stopping for a drink to have a catch up or a conversation I’m told we don’t have time! It completely doesn’t head in! I am busy too, work, children, a house to run but i don’t bang on and on about every little task I need to do or make others feel bad.

My dm spends the entire day making a roast dinner. It baffles me. I shove the, eat in, peel and cook veg, time it so the ,eat has time to rest, veg gets drained etc. I honestly cannot fathom how she spends a whole day making it. She was telling the family how she had so much to do before Thursday when my brother and family arrive. She had to deliver some cards up one street, strip one bed and make 3 up. This was yesterday, so she had 2 days, given she’ll be out all day on Christmas Day. I’ve walked the dogs, done the housework, stripped and re-made 2 beds, done 3 lots of washing, been shopping, dealt with a workman and had time for 2 episodes of Ghost Whisperer! I’ve got to go and sort out the horse in a minute then come home and do dinner. I think my mum’s head would explode!!

Honstly, why do you care? Do you feel you should be in the kitchen or conforming to her worldview somehow? If not then honestly ignore it.

People who do this won't change, all you can do is ignore it as you might ignore any other annoying habits in people you otherwise like. Practice some phrases - polite or blunt depending on where you want to start - and just keep repeating them.

Like you I had a stressful job and a clutch of busy kids when they were young. If I had conformed to the expectations of the excessively houseproud martyr types I'd have been dead long since.

I had dusty corners, the odd frozen dinner, the odd packed lunch bought on the way to school, tumble dried uniforms (no ironing) and now have happy, confident adult children who talk about the films we watched together, and the places we went to - not the dusting quality.

Dm is similar- always busy, never gets anything done, makes judgemental comments when I sit down.

just tune her out, and focus on your family.

My MIL is the busiest person ever, she does her jobs on certain days and at a certain time. She is soooooo busy. She expects me to be as busy, she expects me to do my jobs the same days and times she does her jobs and she also expects me to never let her darling DS to never do any housework or childcare and told me in the past that it was my job on numerous occasions. I just told her one day to stop nagging me, my own mother was not allowed to nag me so she sure as hell wasn't. She was that shocked she actually stopped. It is glorious.

"Yes it's all go all the time around here so we are making the most of quality time together this Christmas."

And repeat.

She sounds like a dick, what a horrible attitude.

Please don't cry you sound like a lovely mum!

Yep my MIL is like this. I've gone sweet, sweet low contact with her because of it. I don't go on holiday to up my cleaning game, fuck off.

Agree with @JoeysTurkey that most people who claim to be rushed of their feet and judge others for not being so tend to have poor time mgmt skills. They also tend to be be massive faffers.

When I'm not working or commuting, I prefer to be doing very little. I have friends that complain about having spent three hours ironing the day before. I haven't ironed in well over a decade. By all means, iron away but don't make out its something you have to do. It's a choice. A hobby, you could say.

A colleague at a previous job was like this. I pointed out if she didn't spend two hours a day moaning about how busy she was then she might be able to leave on time.

I now work for myself. Bliss.

Sorry OP, your MIL is wrong.

My parents are retired, arriving at my house tomorrow for 48 hours. Today I have built a Lego spider, played guitar and laughed with DH & the kids who have friends round. I've just enjoyed a g&t in the greenhouse.
My mum, at her immaculate house, has made a batch of mince pies (I would have been happy with bought) and moaned about my dad and everything she still has to do..... She has to pack an overnight bag & lock up, it's that complicated. No pets, no crazy catering or demands from me, nothing.

DH & I have thought it through but we still can't work out why we should make the kids life's a pre Xmas shouty miserable mess. I think we will survive or make do with our low key prep.

A colleague at a previous job was like this. I pointed out if she didn't spend two hours a day moaning about how busy she was then she might be able to leave on time.

I think I now work with your ex-colleague! She is at work for two hours longer than anyone else but honestly, literally can spend four hours a day moaning. She just goes round and round the office moaning to each person, telling the same tale of woe on a loop.

My mum is like this

I neutralise it by cracking open a can or lager, downing half of it, let rip a massive unladylike belch and tell her I have better time management skills.

It works.

@LisaSimpsonsbff

God it's a nightmare isn't it!

My favourite was the big sigh and "ok... I'll put it on my weekend list"

SHUT UP JUST SAY NO.

I worked my absolute arse off but realised that time efficiency and managing expectations are invaluable skills that earn more respect than being a martyr.

The older I get the more I realise some people apply this to all areas of their life not just work! Madness.

In my experience people like this are often either very anxious or very bored - they need the ‘chatter’ of being ‘busy’ to fill time or block out whatever is worrying them. It’s a bit sad really! Please don’t let it get to you

My mum is constantly on the go. Constantly constantly constantly. Is always in the middle of something time-consuming but pointless. Growing up my dad used to round us up and send us to help - "you lazy lot just sitting round on your backsides with your mum in there dusting the fridge/powerwashing the garden gnomes/polishing the letterbox all on her own!"

She's at least not catty about it but I still have to fight the urge to leap up and help with whatever it is she's doing because I feel so guilty sitting on my backside, even if she's at my house and whatever it is does not need doing. She genuinely would spend most of Christmas dinner in the kitchen while the rest of us ate if we didn't present a unified sibling front to stop her.

Just tell her that you have done plenty and now you want to set aside time to play and be with the children. They are only young once and you want to enjoy these moments. I'd say to her 'if you have so much to do then I'll completely understand if you don't have time to come round to my house, feel free to stay at home and faff there'.

My ILs regularly advise us to sand down our garden furniture and revarnish it yearly to extend its life. Only takes a couple of days, apparently. hollow laugh

I’ve realised I’ve never had a Christmas I enjoy in all the years I’ve known this woman.
It’s Christmas on her terms at her house and then when she visits our house for Christmas she completely takes over or won’t join in with anything fun.
Fun in her world = standing in the kitchen moving pots from place to place for no reason/changing one ingredient in a recipe and deciding she has invented a new cuisine, watching ITV crime drama.

I can’t stand this woman.

So? Take her power away and go about your life. She can twat around wasting her life all she wants, who fucking cares.

If you are expecting anyone to call just blast Mr Sheen round like air freshener, fill the sink & toilet with bleach & it looks like you have been cleaning all day.

It sounds like it’s time to talk about a different Christmas next year.

I hope you can salvage some fun out of this year. Be creative, tell a few white lies, and see if you can make some mini escapes from the fray. You need it.

Just tell her you are much more organized than she is so of course you can sit down and relax!!

I’ve got one like that, always busy, but bugger all to show for it. Thank goodness she isn’t here for Christmas. Ignore her OP , don’t engage with her nonsense

My Mam was constantly faffing and cleaning when we were kids. Our house was immaculate. She regrets it terribly and often says she should have been on the floor playing, not scrubbing it.