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Original poster

Will I be the only one 'smiling and nodding' to in-laws

76 replies

nrpmum · 23/12/2019 05:52

We see in-laws too frequently. Mainly because it's the only time they get to see their grandson (my step son) as dh ex doesn't like mil.

This year in-laws are coming to us Christmas Day. I'm cooking hiding in the kitchen

Anyway. I always get the comments of 'bet you'll be glad when dss has gone home'. You look fed up nrpmum, did stepson have you up early?. Must be annoying having stepson so much (eow). Mr nrpmum should cut down his weekends so you two can get time together, add infinitum.

Now I thoroughly enjoy having my stepson. He's an absolute joy. Yes you have to sometimes explain what we are going to do, and when we are going to do it because he is 7 and autistic but he genuinely is an amazing kid and it is very rare for him to behave otherwise.

So this Christmas Day I will be smiling like a Cheshire cat and nodding.

Anyone else, and for what reasons?

OP posts:
PlumsGalore · 23/12/2019 05:55

Why would you nod? Just say “not at all, he’s a delight, I love having him”. End of conversation.

7yo7yo · 23/12/2019 05:57

I’d have to shut that conversation right down and make sure these comments aren’t made again!
Imagine if he overheard! He’d be gutted!

Original poster
nrpmum · 23/12/2019 06:03

I do each and every single time it comes out of her mouth. I'm not intending on spending more than 5 minutes alone in her company where it'll be so loud I won't hear her.

She has never, and would never say it in front of anyone else. Yet she also never seems to get the picture. Two years she's been going on like this. Dh ex stopped going when dss was a baby because mil used to bleat on about whether dss was wanted she's weird, and rude

OP posts:

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Luzina · 23/12/2019 06:04

My previous mother in law was incredibly hard work. I did 17 years of nodding and smiling. It was annoying but it was necessary. You'll get through it and well done for keeping the peace for your stepson's sake (and for DP's)

I agree with the PP re your stepson. "Oh no I love seeing him, he's such a lovely kid" like a broken record will work

Original poster
nrpmum · 23/12/2019 06:05

Should say two years of me shutting her down, and she still continues with the same shit.

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 23/12/2019 06:05

What everyone else said.

In my case, I shall be nodding and smiling as MIL tells me an anecdote for the umpteenth time. Not her fault, her memory's going as she approaches 90. A bit wearing though, but being a good host etc

Her0utdoors · 23/12/2019 06:06

I hope they don't say this in his hearing? I certainly wouldn't be nodding and smiling. You and dss are lucky to have each other.

Original poster
nrpmum · 23/12/2019 06:07

@Luzina you're right it's flaming hard work! She'll never stop though. Two years of shutting her down and she still keeps going. Hide of a rhino that one!

OP posts:
Original poster
nrpmum · 23/12/2019 06:08

@Her0utdoors I'm the lucky one, he is fabulous

OP posts:
CherryPlum · 23/12/2019 06:12

That's absolutely awful. Have you tried any other tactics? Could you be outright with her and tell her 'please stop saying things like that, I love DSS very much and he is not a burden'. Or something along those lines. She needs to be told to stop. Or blank her completely when she comes out with this stuff?

What a horrible lady she is. It's a form of bullying really, she's doing it to you when nobody else is around and hoping to either get an angry reaction from you or slowly chipping away at you so that you lose confidence.

Ridiculousanx · 23/12/2019 06:15

I would say, "what do you mean?" "Why would he be annoying?" Put her on the spot.

Bluerussian · 23/12/2019 06:19

PlumsGalore: Just say “not at all, he’s a delight, I love having him”. End of conversation.
.......
Yeah. You'd probably only have to say it once. Or you could say a bit more about him which would show they have nothing to fear about him being with you.

They mean no harm, are just concerned their grandson is secure wherever he is.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Rememberallball · 23/12/2019 06:54

I’ll be spending tomorrow watching MiL like a hawk to make sure she isn’t trying to feed chocolate to my twins - they’re 17 weeks old so too young anyway but were 6 weeks premature so even more reason to avoid any food other than milk let alone shit like chocolate!! Thankfully it’s only a couple of hours then the danger has passed till the next time!!

Original poster
nrpmum · 23/12/2019 06:57

@Bluerussian I've known them 25 years. They know I'm not a risk to their grandson. Every single time she's mentioned it, which is at least 52 times over the last 2 years, I have shut her down using almost those exact words. She likes to cause trouble where there is none. Sadly even her own husband can't stop her, and often ends up apologising on her behalf.

I have told my mil how brilliant my dss is, and often waxed lyrical about an achievement he's made when we've had him. Often she will only say 'oh blimey' not praise him for the absolute star he is.

It took him a long time to come round to me because that's part of the way he is, but we have a fantastic friendship and I do feel very protective of that relationship and him.

Mil just has to see the negative in everything.

OP posts:
thickwoollytights · 23/12/2019 06:59

Id have to ask her why she thinks hes annoying. I'd have to turn each statement she makes around, in an oh so innocent way, and kick it back at her

Why do you think he's annoying
Why do you think I don't want him here
Why do you think we need time without him

If you make her words about her , she'll soon learn to stop manipulating

Original poster
nrpmum · 23/12/2019 06:59

@Rememberallball oh gosh. Good luck! They always know best 😂 Hopefully you can catch her before she does. Congratulations on your babies Flowers

Have a fabulous Christmas.

OP posts:
Trewser · 23/12/2019 07:04

Another MIL bashing thread!

I'm hosting my PILS on Wednesday and my MIL is really looking forward to it, is bringing some food and can't wait to catch up with her grandkids.

They are in their late 80s and sometimes say thoughtless things, but I don't live in a world where everyone has to say stuff I approve of the entire time.

Original poster
nrpmum · 23/12/2019 07:08

@Trewser maybe your mil isn't cruel about a 7yr old boy, who is also her grandson.

In many other ways she is also fantastic, but I tire of the same loathsome comments from her mouth about a relationship between dss and I that she really knows nothing about.

OP posts:
Trewser · 23/12/2019 07:10

The comments in your OP aren't cruel. If you really think shes loathsome then say something.

Foslady · 23/12/2019 07:28

I agree with PP - every time ask her why she would think that, in the most incredulous voice and add that you love him and love spending time with him.
Have you ever asked her outright why she dislikes her grandson? I’d go whole hog on making her feel uncomfortable - with no regrets, after all she has no regard for a 7 year old (or is she just trying to shit stir to cause issues between you, your DP and his sons mum?)

Salene · 23/12/2019 07:59

I'm lucky two months ago I went NC with them. They are toxic and I didn't need that in my life. My husband visits them weekly alone now and the weight lifted off my shoulders is fantastic Smile

sirmione16 · 23/12/2019 08:03

Maybe it's me but I genuinely would turn around and say "oh that's a bit harsh, he's lovely and it's a bit upsetting you think of him in that light, he's fantastic and you should be proud of your grandson" in a soft tone and smile. But then I've a reputation for being a little too up front some times

CherryPlum · 23/12/2019 08:13

Oh dear Trewser, you can't be a very good parent if you don't see that it's cruel to make out that a 7yr old boy is a burden. Not everyone is blessed with loving, good-natured in-laws, it's the luck of the draw. Plenty of people try their very best and would dearly love to have a good relationship with in-laws but don't achieve it due to the odd/distanced/rude behaviour of the in-laws.

And what nonsense whoever said the MIL are making sure the grandson is safe - how offensive to the OP! The MIL can see that she cares for him and has a great relationship with him!

I agree it's a good idea to reflect the questions back to her, 'why do you think that?' etc. Keep asking so she can't ignore.

Sprinklemetinsel · 23/12/2019 08:16

Slight change of approach.
"If you don't like him, why do you come to see him MiL?"

Bezalelle · 23/12/2019 08:20

"Stop saying these things about DSS or you won't be welcome here anymore."

Easy.