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Original poster

Will I be the only one 'smiling and nodding' to in-laws

76 replies

nrpmum · 23/12/2019 05:52

We see in-laws too frequently. Mainly because it's the only time they get to see their grandson (my step son) as dh ex doesn't like mil.

This year in-laws are coming to us Christmas Day. I'm cooking hiding in the kitchen

Anyway. I always get the comments of 'bet you'll be glad when dss has gone home'. You look fed up nrpmum, did stepson have you up early?. Must be annoying having stepson so much (eow). Mr nrpmum should cut down his weekends so you two can get time together, add infinitum.

Now I thoroughly enjoy having my stepson. He's an absolute joy. Yes you have to sometimes explain what we are going to do, and when we are going to do it because he is 7 and autistic but he genuinely is an amazing kid and it is very rare for him to behave otherwise.

So this Christmas Day I will be smiling like a Cheshire cat and nodding.

Anyone else, and for what reasons?

OP posts:
EL2019 · 23/12/2019 10:40

I think she’s shit stirring. She’s hoping you say “well yes he is a bit of a handful”, then she can use that against you.
“Nrpmum isn’t coping with stepson...”

Smile, nod and deflect.

diddl · 23/12/2019 10:48

How often do you see them?

Has your husband said anything to her abut her comments?

Does he get on with her?

CherryPlum · 23/12/2019 10:48

MrsMuddles We know enough of the story though - we know the MIL is referring to the child as a burden. You brought age into it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
averythinline · 23/12/2019 10:49

I wouldnt bther replying - would just walk away and leave her...on her own..... or ask her to leave teh room if DS is in there doing stuff...
if you say its always when others are not around...
years of reasonable comments obviuosly not getting through to her..

I woudl sugegst she leaves or doesnt visit... what does your DH do/say?

i wouldnt have someone slag my child off in their own home........ he will here/understand at some stage....

Think you are underplaying this too much - its horrible... and she comes around a lot - so DSS will think this is ok... very sad

Chloemol · 23/12/2019 11:01

This reply has been deleted

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Trewser · 23/12/2019 11:08

Oh dear Trewser, you can't be a very good parent if you don't see that it's cruel to make out that a 7yr old boy is a burden

Does the OP think he's a burden? Clearly not, she sounds very supportive and loving. That's all that matters. You can't control what other people say or do.

Perhaps the OP looks knackered and distracted all the time?

AlaskaElfForGin · 23/12/2019 11:13

@mrsmuddlepies

I'm unsure why the grandparents age is relevant here (although we don't know how old she is), can you explain? Do you believe that, if she is an older grandparent, it makes it acceptable to be unkind about a child?

Again, are you able to answer the above questions?

NoParticularPattern · 23/12/2019 11:14

My MIL is great and all that but yes. I’ll be smiling and nodding and pretending that their bullshit about “oh it’s ridiculous Mr Pattern having to do all these hours (family farm). He should have some time off” when I know full well they have a) no intentions of ever letting him or the other brother have any time off and b) every intentions of making sure that the middle son is set for life with a couple of houses, farms, the lot. Paid for by the hard work of his two other brothers.

I mean if I’m honest I wish we could leave and then perhaps they’d realise that the sun doesn’t shine out of middle sons arse (mostly because he’s always sat on it but yeah) but since our house is part of his job we have to find the same sort of deal which is hard to come by or be classed as making ourselves intentionally homeless and therefore not eligible for help with housing. Rock and hard place. But yes. The smiling and nodding will commence whilst you listen to them say all the right things but never actually DO them. Only for the middle son.

Trewser · 23/12/2019 11:25

Again, are you able to answer the above questions?

Maybe she doesn't want to answer you? She doesn't have to, this is mumsnet, not a court room.

Can't bear those hectoring posters demanding attention!

AlaskaElfForGin · 23/12/2019 11:39

Maybe she doesn't want to answer you? She doesn't have to, this is mumsnet, not a court room.

Can't bear those hectoring posters demanding attention!

No, I think you're getting confused. My posts have been none of those things, I've been very polite. And of course they doesn't need to answer, but I'm still permitted to ask. I haven't asked anything outlandish, just responded to one of their posts. I hope that clears that up for you.

She probably doesn't need you to answer for her either to be honest, so you can probably unclench a bit.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 23/12/2019 12:09

It sounds like so far you've been doing a wonderful job of protecting DSS without escalating the situation.

I think it might be the point to start being outright rude back though, because he's only going to get more perceptive.

mrsmuddlepies · 23/12/2019 12:10

@Chloemol. Do you really think suggesting the OP gas light her MIL into thinking she has dementia is a reasonable idea? Would you suggest to a friend that they gas light someone who has annoyed them into thinking they had the symptoms of Breast cancer. Or is it just the elderly that can be punished by gas lighting them with the threat of a terminal illness?

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 23/12/2019 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

katy1213 · 23/12/2019 12:16

Well, you could always say, 'No, I get on with him fine - the only problem I have is with you!'

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 23/12/2019 12:18

mrsmuddles It's only gaslighting if you're genuinely trying to convince them, or are likely to.

As presumably the MIL knows she says this stuff every time, she's not going to think she has dementia.

Of course, if she doesn't know, it is appropriate for her to see her GP.

blackcat86 · 23/12/2019 12:24

I may steal the dementia line. We are seeing PIL boxing day. MIL is a funny one and I suspect narcissistic but DSS wants to see her. I suspect she'll recycle the usual stories and personal questions for me including my post baby weight, how glad she is that I couldn't breastfeed because breastfeeding is selfish and she wouldn't have been able to feed baby (yup I know..) , how I should be over my birth trauma and how PND and PNA didn't exist in the 70s (pretty sure it did though). I've been working with a therapist on the tactic that if something hurts say ouch! Rude people rely on you worrying about hurting their feelings when they have shown they dont care about yours. I'm looking forward to saying ouch and seeing what happens.

mrsmuddlepies · 23/12/2019 12:27

I think Dementia is one of the scariest diseases with no chance of recovery. I think trying to trick someone into thinking they might have symptoms of Alzheimers is a pretty sick thing to do.
Would you try to trick someone younger into thinking them might have the symptoms of a brain tumour or is it just a joke if it is an older woman?

AlaskaElfForGin · 23/12/2019 12:52

Please don't mention dementia in the context suggested here. That would be just bloody horrible.

mrsmuddlepies · 23/12/2019 13:39

@blackcat86, are you really going to try the 'dementia line' as you put it with your MIL?
Saying 'ouch' if she offends you is one thing, suggesting she has the symptoms of dementia to frighten her is a very horrible idea.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 23/12/2019 16:09

I think it's easy to tell people they are being unkind about ILs if you've not experienced the same, or similar treatment from your own ILs. I know that my BILs and their wives don't understand why I am very LC with MIL or why Dh has much less contact than they do. But then, they've never had her ignore their dcs at birthday or Christmas, they've never had to sit and watch her fawn over her favoured dgc and then listen to her refuse to give her other dgc so much as a cuddle, even when they asked. And to see her ignore every achievement of both Dh and our DCs, whilst being given a blow by blow account of how her favoured dgc can fart to order. And then, to see her have the same dismissive attitude towards her first, And likely to be only, great grandchild, just because their parent is not the favoured dgc. Unless you've experienced the hurt that causes I don't think you can understand why some DILs end up snapping. I won't be smiling and nodding at mine - I won't be seeing her. Dh may see her - it's up to him and if he wants to that's fine by me. One thing I am very grateful to my MIL is that she's taught me everything not to do if I want good relationships with my DILs. So far, it's working.
Just in case anyone suggests that her age might be the reason she's like this, I can tell you no, she's always been selfish, unpleasant and bitchy, it's just that now I've decided to stop ignoring her behaviour and start ignoring her.

Radardodgingninga · 23/12/2019 16:19

I will be doing this to my own mum, never mind my in-laws. But if they said something like that about their grandchild to me I wouldn’t smile and nod, I’d smile and correct them.

blackcat86 · 23/12/2019 18:40

Its not about 'tricking' someone though is it because I'm sure as shit that MIL knows she constantly tells the same stories and brings up the same perceived inadequacies of mine. If she was elderly and genuinely didnt realise she'd said it all before then that's completely different. As shes just doing it to be rude and unkind then I can absolutely see that saying 'hmmm you keep saying that, did you not remember, are you struggling with your memory' could work well with her.

Chloemol · 23/12/2019 19:26

@mrsmuddlepies
Been busy, but yes, if she is nasty to her dil then as a dil I would be nasty back. You treat people as you wish to be treated, obviously in this case her mil is not prepared to treat her well.

You can say it in a joking manner to start with, then she has a choice, and if she chooses to carry on being nasty then I ramp it up

I stand no nonsense

CustomerCervixDepartment · 23/12/2019 22:18

Absolutely zero smiling and nodding, how awful to let bullies and trash behaviour choices run free, unabridged and have everyone else pander to them. Loudly repeat their words, with an audience, by the third time, remove them from your property. Have some boundaries and self respect, ffs, genes/office worker holiday/whatever are no excuse to allow abusive behaviour. Age is 100% irrelevant, don’t let it be a diversion tactic by abusers.

Chunkers · 24/12/2019 17:01

Ask her why she projects her own feelings on to you. You’ve told her 1000 times DSS is a joy. And every subsequent dig, just reply - “projecting again?”