Cards to MrsDHname instead of MsMyname

[Breathmiller]

This isn't a thread discussing the right or wrong of people's choices but more asking advice on how to approach the issue I have (or maybe just have a whinge and hear others in the same boat's thoughts)

When I married over 16 years ago I didn't change my name. It's something I feel strongly about so in all aspects of my life, I go by the name Ms Breath Miller.

Fine. All good.

But...my family are getting worse as the years go on at sending cards and such like to Mrs DH's name ...or to The Family Dh's name, even cheques from relatives sending money for the children are often sent to me with "BreathMiller(DHname)".

I realise that being sent cards and cheques is a lovely kind thing to do so I don't want to offend anyone but it's now ALL my family even the younger generation and I do find it annoying.

I suppose I liken it to someone who has decided to change their name. I will respect that choice albeit being different to mine and use their chosen name and title.

It also doesn't help that some of my family didn't approve of my decision and reluctantly used my name for a few years but I think they have now decided that that's my name as they see fit so will call me Mrs DH Name.

I tried to bring it up with my mum on a phone call this morning but she completely ignored me and went on to a different conversation but she isn't in great health now and I don't want to push it (again!).

I have a disparate family anyway and I know I could just let it go but it would be really nice if my family could respect my choice and accept my opinion. If I'm being honest I often feel that my opinion and thoughts are different to a lot of them and they don't 'approve '. I was more feisty when I was younger and would challenge these things (politely I'd say) but the attitude seems to be I'm making a fuss over nothing. (Sigh)

I haven't had a single card this year with my proper name on it
I think its a case of some people not knowing (although they know me through social media as Breath Miller), some people not thinking and some people making a point!

I know that if you chose to change your name it might seem like I'm making a fuss about nothing but it's something that I feel strongly about.

I don't want to be THAT person but how do I gently (again) let people know I didn't change my name.

If you are the same, do you just let it go?

Send it back with “not known at this address” printed on it? Or start addressing them as “Miss [maidenname]”?

It’s not a “lovely kind” thing to deliberately address someone by the wrong name when you have been repeatedly picked up on it. Fair enough if people don’t know or slip up, but this is a deliberate dig.

I just want to add that despite this issue, I AM really grateful that they think of me and send cards. So I don't want to upset anyone.

How would you like cards addressed? If you were my friend I'd write The Miller Husbandname family on the envelope.

22 years I've been married. DH is DHName, I'm Dibbler, and ds is Dibbler-DHName.

I have never, ever, ever used Mrs or DHName. I am Ms Dibbler on everything.

Even my brother (who I don't get on with) has sent a card to Mr+ Mrs DHname. As a petty act of rebellion, I refuse to open anything which isn't addressed to me. It doesn't make people address me properly, but if they haven't got the hang of it by now, they never will!

@Dyrne x- post .
I do see that. I get that I might seem like I'm pussyfooting round them. But the family dynamics are often difficult and I dont want to rock the boat just as it has settled somewhat.

I have before thought of saying how would they like if I sent to their maiden name or the men to their wife's maiden name!!
But it seems a little passive aggressive to send back cards given in good faith. And especially ones with gifts for the children inside.

I can't make up my mind about gently reminding those that will take it without starting world war 3 and hoping it trickles to the others.

@CMOTDibbler
Yes!! It's my brother, father, mother, aunts and cousins now!!
I think i could potentially speak to my brother. He is now on his own after a divorce and is doing the cards for the first time. Maybe i could nip it in the bud now. 😁

I'm 20 years into this too. I tried putting return address labels on every card with our names on but it didn't help. I've given up, I just can't be bothered to waste any more time being irritated about it. But I do appreciate the ones who do get it right.

@Clymene
I would be happy with...

MsBreathMiller & MrDHname &family

MrDhName & MsMiller &family

The DHname/Miller family.

@ yes. That's where I think I am in my thinking. Or where I have been for many years.

But this year , I haven't had one!! And it rankles this year for some reason.

I am in the same boat as you too and find it very rude. I haven't changed my name and I wouldn't presume to change someone else's name to suit my preferences, so why do people do it to me (and my DD)? I'm tempted to send cards back renaming people. My mum suggested getting labels to stick on the back of our cards with our names and addresses. I doubt people will notice.

Woops...above was for exploitativefairy

Haha. Or expletivefairylighted .

This sort of thing use to bother me now I just don't care and it makes me smile. I guess it all depends on your relationships.

YANBU to be annoyed about it. I've had the same thing done to me. It's so rude and disrespectful to get someone's name wrong.

Fluffmagnet yes. The thing is when I have sent parcels in the past i have deliberately put a return name and address with my name on it. Not noticed.

I think they know I havent changed my name but maybe see it as interchangeable.

My mum was annoyed a few years after my wedding when i brought it up...and in an exasperated tone said that MrsDHName is my ACTUAL name but I'm choosing to be awkward.

If it really bothers you (and I understand why) then you have to say something. Otherwise it will continue.

'Thanks for the card - just so you know for next year my name is actually x and not y.'

But you are Mrsdhname in common UK parlance and you are just trying to police other peoples language. If you and dh used joint names or you both usedyour name then fine yanbu but having a different name is just a bit twatty and I'd ignore you too.

I've tried stickers, sending change of address cards, baby announcement cards etc all with our correct names on, and it has been ignored

YANBU, that's very aggravating. What gives me the rage is when I get birthday cards from family for me personally addressed to Mrs DH's initial DH's surname. I did ask them to stop that.

I write Mrs her-initial Mr his-initial His-surname for couples who share a surname. Why should Mr and Mrs always be the default?!

LOL as I have just had a card address to FesteredFairy MaidenSurname. From my niece and her husband. I have been married nearly 20 years and she was one of my bridesmaids!
I went very traditional this year and addressed everything to
Mr. & Mrs. His First Initial, His Second Initial Family Surname - I feel honour-bound to uphold some kind of standards.
And please, if you must use Ms to address me, NEVER put a full-stop as it is not an abbreviation of anything and shows your woeful ignorance.

Breathmiller but the cards aren’t being given “in good faith”. They’re using it as a chance to have a dig. They aren’t sending lovely thoughts your way or well-wishes or anything. They are deliberately taking time out of their lives to make some sort of pathetic point. And it’s the whole family!

If you don’t want to rock the boat then fine but you’re then just going to have to accept the fact that your family don’t give enough of a shit about you to even bother to get your name right. And to give even less of a shit about you that even when you specifically point it out, to deliberately continue to address you incorrectly.

Not trying to police peoples language (WTAF), just asking to be called by our actual names...

@ArnoldBee yes, you're right. It probably is highlighting many other issues in the relationships.
But I'm trying to let things go more in honour of having a relationship of some kind with my family.

But this one seems to still rankle.

I think it may be a case of that old adage of "if you cant change their action then change your reaction to it" hmmm.

But I'll probably still grit my teeth/sigh inwardly (depending on stress levels) when the post comes tomorrow again.

MrsDHName is my ACTUAL name but I'm choosing to be awkward

I (jokingly) love how your mother thinks that her opinion supersedes the law - you have not changed your name therefore your ACTUAL name is the one you've always have, and continue to have, legally!