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Original poster

Cards to MrsDHname instead of MsMyname

95 replies

Breathmiller · 18/12/2019 13:27

This isn't a thread discussing the right or wrong of people's choices but more asking advice on how to approach the issue I have (or maybe just have a whinge and hear others in the same boat's thoughts)

When I married over 16 years ago I didn't change my name. It's something I feel strongly about so in all aspects of my life, I go by the name Ms Breath Miller.

Fine. All good.

But...my family are getting worse as the years go on at sending cards and such like to Mrs DH's name ...or to The Family Dh's name, even cheques from relatives sending money for the children are often sent to me with "BreathMiller(DHname)".

I realise that being sent cards and cheques is a lovely kind thing to do so I don't want to offend anyone but it's now ALL my family even the younger generation and I do find it annoying.

I suppose I liken it to someone who has decided to change their name. I will respect that choice albeit being different to mine and use their chosen name and title.

It also doesn't help that some of my family didn't approve of my decision and reluctantly used my name for a few years but I think they have now decided that that's my name as they see fit so will call me Mrs DH Name.

I tried to bring it up with my mum on a phone call this morning but she completely ignored me and went on to a different conversation but she isn't in great health now and I don't want to push it (again!).

I have a disparate family anyway and I know I could just let it go but it would be really nice if my family could respect my choice and accept my opinion. If I'm being honest I often feel that my opinion and thoughts are different to a lot of them and they don't 'approve '. I was more feisty when I was younger and would challenge these things (politely I'd say) but the attitude seems to be I'm making a fuss over nothing. (Sigh)

I haven't had a single card this year with my proper name on it
I think its a case of some people not knowing (although they know me through social media as Breath Miller), some people not thinking and some people making a point!

I know that if you chose to change your name it might seem like I'm making a fuss about nothing but it's something that I feel strongly about.

I don't want to be THAT person but how do I gently (again) let people know I didn't change my name.

If you are the same, do you just let it go?

OP posts:

Rystall · 18/12/2019 14:34

OP I am with you on this. You are 100% entitled to be annoyed. It’s nothing more than pure unadulterated laziness and ignorance.

I could have written your post actually. I have never changed my name. Ever. Don’t even agree with the concept. And anyone who has ever even met me, even once, knows that.

I eventually called one of my friends out on it last year - particularly as I have always respected her wishes as to how she’s addressed. I got a card from her this year with the correct names on the envelope but the card said ‘to all the DHname Family’. It’s beyond bizarre. Particularly as no one in this house, other than DH has that surname. Total lack of manners.

@zucchinicourgette. Your FIL is absolutely incorrect. That may be what he’d like to happen but it’s not true.

ohwheniknow · 18/12/2019 14:34

It's "a bit twatty" to expect to be addressed by your actual name? That's just fucking stupid.

Aloe6 · 18/12/2019 14:34

I realise that being sent cards and cheques is a lovely kind thing to do so I don't want to offend anyone but it's now ALL my family even the younger generation and I do find it annoying.

But they aren’t worried about offending you and giving the basic respect of getting your name right. It’s rude and in some cases deliberate I bet?

My tolerance for this is quite low and after asking for them to get my name right once, I’d just return to sender any subsequent cards that weren’t.

selmabear · 18/12/2019 14:54

I understand your frustration OP. My DF side of the family do this with my 2 DC. They have the same surname as their father but because we were not married when they were born and also because we're no longer together (share 50/50 custody with exdp) DF and his family dont understand why I didn't use my surname, and they think I have less rights because my surname is different from theirs 🤦‍♀️ they send cards and gifts addressed to my DC with my surname and pretend to listen and apologise when I ask them not to

willowstar · 18/12/2019 14:59

I have exactly the same thing from both sides of the family. Incredibly annoying. I put little stickers on things I send with both our names on the top but nobody cares/notices. They are all traditional though and don't agree with keeping your name after marriage so I suspect that is a lot to do with it!

Shoxfordian · 18/12/2019 15:05

I've had some people do this to me too. It's annoying. Mrs Dhsurname is my mil or my sil but not me. Grr.

ChristmasSpiritsOnThRocksPleas · 18/12/2019 15:10

Honestly, it’s just a name. Does it matter? I have several names (nick name but like a proper name and first name think bill and William for example plus maiden name and husbands name). I get all kinds of combinations. It’s never occurred to me to care. So long as everyone knows who is being referred to I don’t think there’s any need to get emotional over a name.

Dyrne · 18/12/2019 15:24

ChristmasSpiritsOnThRocksPleas but surely you would find it weird and upsetting if you continually politely asked to be called “Debbie” but your own mother insisted on calling you “Brenda”? Even after they knew how you preferred to be called “Debbie” and in fact found “Brenda” to be upsetting.

It’s one thing for people to forget/not know; it’s quite another to deliberately do something that you know the other person doesn’t like.

Another example is that I don’t like fish. MIL has never served me fish when I go round, and even better she always makes sure there is an alternative when passing round Smoked salmon snacks etc. It’s a small thing; but wouldn’t it be fucking weird if my MIL made an absolute point of serving fish every single time I went round? Yes, it’s only fish, but she has very kindly remembered that I don’t like it and won’t try to serve it to me. In return, I make sure I always have white wine instead of red for her; and make sure other preferences are taken into account.

Aloe6 · 18/12/2019 15:24

Yes it does matter Christmas

Dyrne · 18/12/2019 15:28

Just realised I went a bit off piste in my analogy!

Another one is I know an Andrew that hates to be called Andy. So I don’t call him Andy. It’s not hard.

BringMeTea · 18/12/2019 15:50

Yeah. I get this. Annoying indeed. And rude. My dsis does it deliberately as she knows it annoys me. DH threw her card in the bin this year. God love him.

CMOTDibbler · 18/12/2019 16:14

Exactly Dyme. It's like me deciding that really MIL should have been called Ethel and calling her that when it has never been her name. Or even using someones middle name, that might be considered to be technically their name but that they would never choose to use to be addressed as.

zucchinicourgette · 18/12/2019 16:24

Yes I absolutely know it’s BS! I thought it was funny that he believed it though.

BlueJava · 18/12/2019 17:16

Funny enough we've just had a Christmas card "To MaidenName Family". I am only the one with MaidenName, all the others are a different surname. The writer does know the correct names but whatever :) it's a card.

MAFIL · 18/12/2019 18:32

I am Dr MAFIL and before that I was Miss MAFIL. I never have been and never will be Mrs DHName. However I can mostly tolerate the Mr & Mrs DHName cards that come as they are generally from DH's colleagues and old friends that don't know me terribly well. When his family do it I bite my tongue as I refuse to rise to the bait. Some battles are just not worth fighting. I suspect it irritates them more that I don't react actually.
But one thing I simply cannot tolerate is being referred to as Dr DHName. No, no, no. Never in a million years. My parents bust their backsides for years to help me get that title and were immensely proud of me. Their name stays, forever. If anyone ever does that I look them right in the eye, raise an eyebrow and say "It's Dr MAFIL actually" in what my colleagues call my "don't fuck with me matey" voice. I rarely need to repeat myself.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 18/12/2019 18:38

I have an aunt who sends my DD a birthday cheque in my name (the one I’ve had all my life because she knows there is no bank account in any other name) in an envelope addressed to DD. Fine.

My birthday is 2 days later. My card arrives addressed with my husband’s surname. I genuinely don’t get what is so hard to understand. I’ve only ever had my name!. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Boobiliboobiliboo · 18/12/2019 18:40

When his family do it I bite my tongue as I refuse to rise to the bait. Some battles are just not worth fighting.

What about the next generation of girls for whom this assumption will be made? How can it not be worth fighting abject sexism?!

MAFIL · 18/12/2019 18:43

It isnt worth fighting two totally entrenched people in their mid 80s who are unlikely to be influencing anyone for much longer, no.

StripeyDeckchair · 18/12/2019 19:38

I have also never changed my name - feel very strongly about it. 1st marriage people (particularly ILs) kept using Mrs hisname.

Left & divorced and am now married to no2. I still use my name but this time that is respected because he is not from the UK & his name is difficult to spell & even harder to pronounce. In his country it's far more normal for women to keep their own name so his family don't question it.

I have children from both marriages & all 4 have my surname.

ExpletiveFairylighted · 18/12/2019 20:14

While I have said I've given up being irritated by it (given that I don't think anyone is doing it on purpose to make a point) that doesn't mean to say that I think it's right. It's yet another way in which society values women less than men. You don't often hear of cards being "mistakenly" addressed to Mrs and Mr Hersurname.

I liked ExploitativeFairy BTW

VenusClapTrap · 18/12/2019 20:43

I’m probably guilty of this sometimes in my Christmas card writing. It’s laziness really; just wanting to get the job done and not always checking. Because it’s not a hill I would choose to die on, I hadn’t realised people felt so strongly about it. It’s just a Christmas card.

BUT. Point duly noted, and I will reform and make sure I always address people correctly in future!

JacobReesClunge · 18/12/2019 21:29

It's gross, it does matter and it's a lot twatty to suggest otherwise. Also don't you have problems cashing the cheques in a name that isn't yours?

Original poster

Breathmiller · 19/12/2019 16:44

Thank you VenusClapTrap.

I have had to say to people become about thf cheques and now they write the cheque in my name but the card its in in MrsDHName which baffles me.

My dad sent me a cheque with Breath Miller (DhSurname) . It baffled me as well. I had hoped the bank wouldnt accept it but they did!!

OP posts:

Doobigetta · 19/12/2019 17:19

I have a friend the same age as me (early 40s) who has just sent us a Christmas card addressed to Mr & Mrs his initial his surname. I don’t really care about the surname, I use both, but extending the first name to both of us at our age is either laughable or deliberately rude.

JacobReesClunge · 19/12/2019 17:45

Yy it's always encouraging when people learn from these threads that it's not good etiquette now.

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