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Original poster

Cards to MrsDHname instead of MsMyname

95 replies

Breathmiller · 18/12/2019 13:27

This isn't a thread discussing the right or wrong of people's choices but more asking advice on how to approach the issue I have (or maybe just have a whinge and hear others in the same boat's thoughts)

When I married over 16 years ago I didn't change my name. It's something I feel strongly about so in all aspects of my life, I go by the name Ms Breath Miller.

Fine. All good.

But...my family are getting worse as the years go on at sending cards and such like to Mrs DH's name ...or to The Family Dh's name, even cheques from relatives sending money for the children are often sent to me with "BreathMiller(DHname)".

I realise that being sent cards and cheques is a lovely kind thing to do so I don't want to offend anyone but it's now ALL my family even the younger generation and I do find it annoying.

I suppose I liken it to someone who has decided to change their name. I will respect that choice albeit being different to mine and use their chosen name and title.

It also doesn't help that some of my family didn't approve of my decision and reluctantly used my name for a few years but I think they have now decided that that's my name as they see fit so will call me Mrs DH Name.

I tried to bring it up with my mum on a phone call this morning but she completely ignored me and went on to a different conversation but she isn't in great health now and I don't want to push it (again!).

I have a disparate family anyway and I know I could just let it go but it would be really nice if my family could respect my choice and accept my opinion. If I'm being honest I often feel that my opinion and thoughts are different to a lot of them and they don't 'approve '. I was more feisty when I was younger and would challenge these things (politely I'd say) but the attitude seems to be I'm making a fuss over nothing. (Sigh)

I haven't had a single card this year with my proper name on it
I think its a case of some people not knowing (although they know me through social media as Breath Miller), some people not thinking and some people making a point!

I know that if you chose to change your name it might seem like I'm making a fuss about nothing but it's something that I feel strongly about.

I don't want to be THAT person but how do I gently (again) let people know I didn't change my name.

If you are the same, do you just let it go?

OP posts:

MurrayTheMonk · 18/12/2019 14:00

My brother (well his wife, as he doesn't do his own cards) still sends cards to me addressed to Mrs Murray exH's sur name. I am divorced and actually never changed my name in the first place...which goes to show how much they think of me I suppose .
It doesn't bother me as we aren't that close (clearly) so I choose to find it amusing.

I can see why some people would find it annoying though!

Dyrne · 18/12/2019 14:00

InfiniteSheldon stop trying to police MY language by saying that I’m not allowed to say that people that deliberately call people by the wrong name are twats.

flouncyfanny · 18/12/2019 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zucchinicourgette · 18/12/2019 14:00

Do they do it on all correspondence or just Christmas cards? I have pretty much made peace with it on the Christmas cards - addressing envelopes is such a tedious task and I understand people wanting to reduce the amount of effort it takes as much as possible.

It does annoy me on birthday cards though and if it’s cheques I would say you can’t cash them and ask them to replace them. If it ends up being a hassle for them they’re more likely to remember.

Original poster

Breathmiller · 18/12/2019 14:01

Infinitesheldon

I don't have a different name. I have the exact same name I was born with. Nothing different about it. Considering my mum and my dad gave me it and have known me as it for my whole life...I don't see how its so confusing.

Would it not bother you if I chose to call you by your maiden name? Or a different name to your own?

OP posts:

Drbrowns · 18/12/2019 14:01

I have the opposite problem where I have changed my name but all of my family (and actually a lot of my friends) address me with my maiden name, and address my dh separately so we get cards to ms. Drbrowns and mr. dhname where it should be mrs and mr. dh surname or the dh surname family. I also think its an act of disapproval from my family as none of the women on my mothers side changed there name when married so I’m breaking the mold so to speak.

zucchinicourgette · 18/12/2019 14:03

Oh my FIL told me that my legal name was Zucchini DHname. He is a lawyer.

ohwheniknow · 18/12/2019 14:03

I think it's extremely rude and disrespectful. You don't have to express gratitude for being disrespected.

The only way it might start to change is if you calmly correct them every single time.

Original poster

Breathmiller · 18/12/2019 14:03

@flipperdoda
Yes. I know. I told her that but she chose to ignore me

OP posts:

Original poster

Breathmiller · 18/12/2019 14:06

@Drbrowns
Yes, that's just as annoying.
Even though I chose not to change my name I respect your choice to change yours and would address you as you would prefer.

That just seems a given in my mind.

OP posts:

Dyrne · 18/12/2019 14:06

Drbrowns I think that’s equally as twatty - they should respect your choice and address you how you wish to be addressed.

Sometimes if a friend I’ve known as Maidenname for years gets married I might have a slip up in the period after their wedding as I’m so used to calling them Maidenname but I will always correct myself as soon as I realise!

Original poster

Breathmiller · 18/12/2019 14:07

It's cathartic to hear (apart from one poster) that IANBU. Even though this isn't AIBU.

OP posts:

InfiniteSheldon · 18/12/2019 14:09

I didn't say you have or haven't changed your name I said common parlance. I didn't call you a twat I said it's a bit twatty which it is. I use both my maiden name, my married name and my husband gets called both too. I was Miss then Ms maidenname for forty five years I like it so I still use it at work and on lots of bills/accounts. I still own a house and pension in that name. I don't think of myself as Mrs. DHname but other people do and if they use it as its easier, which let's be honest it is on a Christmas card, why waste energy on correcting people?

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 18/12/2019 14:11

I'm petty. I would deliberately address any cards etc you send to them to the wrong names. If they commented on it I'd smile blandly and say "annoying, isn't it?"

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 18/12/2019 14:13

I didn't call you a twat I said it's a bit twatty which it is.

In your subjective opinion. It's not an objective fact that it's a bit twatty.

LonginesPrime · 18/12/2019 14:14

I would write out their cards to their correct names, but put the first line of their address as 'The 18th Century'.

Original poster

Breathmiller · 18/12/2019 14:15

But it's a bit twatty in your opinion because it obviously doesn't matter to you. And that's fine, we all have a different hills we're willing to die on.
But it does mean something to me, and others too it seems, so I don't see how its so difficult for family to respect my choice on this matter.

OP posts:

InfiniteSheldon · 18/12/2019 14:15

Mumsnet going to be a bit boring if you ban subjective opinions

Haworthia · 18/12/2019 14:16

I have the same problem. Tbh I let it slide, firstly because I don’t want to have an argument with anyone, and secondly because it only really applies to birthday cards. It doesn’t bother me when we get joint Christmas cards to Mr and Mrs Hisname.

My own mother makes a point of addressing cards to Mrs Hisname though. That was a low blow. I was surprised that she was so appalled by me keeping my name 🤷‍♀️

burritofan · 18/12/2019 14:16

But you are Mrsdhname in common UK parlance and you are just trying to police other peoples language. If you and dh used joint names or you both usedyour name then fine yanbu but having a different name is just a bit twatty and I'd ignore you too.
Is this satire?

Original poster

Breathmiller · 18/12/2019 14:17

@zucchinicourgette
I got a birthday card from my brother this year to
MrsBreathDh surname

OP posts:

Original poster

Breathmiller · 18/12/2019 14:18

And some cards this year are
Mr. & Mrs Dh First name DhSurname.

We even got one to Mr and Mrs Dhfirstname only. But I'm going with this being a mistake as it was printed.

OP posts:

Fouroutoffour · 18/12/2019 14:30

Haven't rtft, but I'm in a similar position. FIL stopped doing it when DH mentioned I'd kept my name, but step-MIL doggedly persisted with Mr & Mrs [DH initial][DH surname], which is just so Victorian and makes me feel like I don't exist as a person in my own right. She knows full well that I kept my name on marriage. Last time it happened, I sent her a text message thanking her for the card and added "Just wondering if you're aware I kept my name on marriage? As far as I'm aware there is no Mrs [DH initial][DH surname]:)" she didn't reply, but their Christmas card was addressed with my name

I don't think returning mail is the way to go, it's quite passive aggressive. Send people a text (easier than face to face confrontation). Good luck! down with the patriarchy

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 18/12/2019 14:30

Mumsnet going to be a bit boring if you ban subjective opinions

Nobody's banning anything. The comment was about presenting an opinion as fact.

Fouroutoffour · 18/12/2019 14:31

@zucchinicourgette you know that is BS, right?

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