Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Cards to MrsDHname instead of MsMyname

95 replies

Breathmiller · 18/12/2019 13:27

This isn't a thread discussing the right or wrong of people's choices but more asking advice on how to approach the issue I have (or maybe just have a whinge and hear others in the same boat's thoughts)

When I married over 16 years ago I didn't change my name. It's something I feel strongly about so in all aspects of my life, I go by the name Ms Breath Miller.

Fine. All good.

But...my family are getting worse as the years go on at sending cards and such like to Mrs DH's name ...or to The Family Dh's name, even cheques from relatives sending money for the children are often sent to me with "BreathMiller(DHname)".

I realise that being sent cards and cheques is a lovely kind thing to do so I don't want to offend anyone but it's now ALL my family even the younger generation and I do find it annoying.

I suppose I liken it to someone who has decided to change their name. I will respect that choice albeit being different to mine and use their chosen name and title.

It also doesn't help that some of my family didn't approve of my decision and reluctantly used my name for a few years but I think they have now decided that that's my name as they see fit so will call me Mrs DH Name.

I tried to bring it up with my mum on a phone call this morning but she completely ignored me and went on to a different conversation but she isn't in great health now and I don't want to push it (again!).

I have a disparate family anyway and I know I could just let it go but it would be really nice if my family could respect my choice and accept my opinion. If I'm being honest I often feel that my opinion and thoughts are different to a lot of them and they don't 'approve '. I was more feisty when I was younger and would challenge these things (politely I'd say) but the attitude seems to be I'm making a fuss over nothing. (Sigh)

I haven't had a single card this year with my proper name on it
I think its a case of some people not knowing (although they know me through social media as Breath Miller), some people not thinking and some people making a point!

I know that if you chose to change your name it might seem like I'm making a fuss about nothing but it's something that I feel strongly about.

I don't want to be THAT person but how do I gently (again) let people know I didn't change my name.

If you are the same, do you just let it go?

OP posts:

ExpletiveFairylighted · 20/12/2019 11:56

Yay! We just got a card addressed to Myfirstname and Hisfirstname Mysurname!

corduroyal · 20/12/2019 12:17

I get the same. Doesn't bother me, I just think it's an elderly relative thinking of me. They changed their names and assume I did too.

Companies getting it wrong does piss me off.

SpaceCadet4000 · 20/12/2019 12:44

@ChristmasSpiritsOnThRocksPleas I've had cheques I couldn't deposit as a result of this and post that DH has to pick up on my behalf as they need the last name on the ID to match. Lord knows what I'm called in wills and legal documents. Of course it matters.

opinionatedfreak · 20/12/2019 12:52

Not read the whole thread.

I thought of these threads as I sent my cards this year.

TBH I've got a bit lost with which surname my friends actually use so just addressed the cards to Children's surname family.

So if I know children are double barreled I used the combi-name. For kids who only have their Dad's surname I used only that name.

For couples where I know there is a difference (eg. My DBro and partner - I addressed to MR Freak & Dr Y)

avocadotofu · 20/12/2019 12:52

This happens to me too and I hate it. I hope someone comes up with a good solution.

ExpletiveFairylighted · 20/12/2019 13:11

The solution would be for people to assume everyone keeps their own surname on marriage and address them accordingly unless they are told of a name change. If you get to know someone who is already married, ask them what their spouse's surname is before addressing cards to them. Or check their FB or whatever.

Flashinggreen · 20/12/2019 13:18

My DH and I did the cards together, he puts everyone as MR and Mrs Husband first name and shut me. Even the ones who are actually Drs. I couldn’t be arsed to correct him, but do separate initials after Mr and Mrs and try and get surnames right myself.

Ghoulestofmums · 20/12/2019 13:21

I’d be tempted to write back and say you were very distressed that your DH obviously has another wife, ie Mrs DH , to who they are sending cards, and could they please give you any details they have before you approach a divorce lawyer!

Not really but it would be fun1

Ghoulestofmums · 20/12/2019 13:21

To whom, not to who

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 20/12/2019 14:06

My mum was annoyed a few years after my wedding when i brought it up...and in an exasperated tone said that MrsDHName is my ACTUAL name but I'm choosing to be awkward.

She's wrong.

The default in this country is generally the "do nothing" option. In the case of names, the default is NOT to change name on marriage, you actively have to do things to change it, ie copies of marriage certificates for passports, driving licences, bank accounts, etc, etc.

Doing nothing means your name doesn't change.

Doobigetta · 20/12/2019 14:45

It’s not even necessary to use a surname on a personal letter. If you address it to Janet and Roy at the correct address, it will get to them, so there’s really no need for all the angst.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 20/12/2019 14:52

This would annoy me. I've never been married so it's not been an issue. However, it was assumed that DD had her father's surname for some time and she was addressed accordingly, despite the fact that he'd left us when I was pregnant and had zero contact. I was actually "advised" that legally she should have his name. I didn't consider it for a second!!

I tend to address cards to "Henry and Brenda" if I'm not sure about name changes.

MsMaisel · 20/12/2019 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedAnExpert · 20/12/2019 16:31

But you are Mrsdhname in common UK parlance and you are just trying to police other peoples language.

Is that you, Hyacinth?

WhoTheFuckIsGail · 20/12/2019 16:40

You are always the name you were born with, you just choose to assume another name on marriage. I found this out when I got divorced and reverted to my maiden name. Technically I should have just been able to change back because it's the name I was born with but I still needed a deed poll (divorce wasn't finalised) because so many companies had an issue with it.

So nope, the lawyer FIL is full of shit.

mindutopia · 20/12/2019 17:47

People don’t do it much anymore (I think they know better now), but I was very tempted to send it back re-addressed to Dr. and Mr. MyName.

bookworm14 · 20/12/2019 18:00

The things you learn on Mumsnet. This week I’ve learned that holding my knife in my left hand (the only way I can eat) is wrong, common and ill-mannered, and now I discover that preferring to be referred to by my own name is ‘twatty’. Every day’s a school day...

JacobReesClunge · 20/12/2019 18:22

Who advised you that lobster?

Lobsterquadrille2 · 20/12/2019 21:52

@JacobReesClunge only people who knew no better 😀. My solicitor sister (who married in 1981 and always kept her maiden name) said all along that I'd be better advised to give DD my name; it was staggering that even in 1997 people thought that I "ought", both morally and legally, saddle my child with the surname of a man who wasn't going to be part of her life.

JacobReesClunge · 21/12/2019 08:29

People do love to give legal advice on stuff they know absolutely nothing about!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread