Is my child racist?! I don’t know what to do!

[Namechangefour]

Before I begin, I should say: I’m mixed race though look very white.

I was telling my my 5-year-old that I am going to look for someone to look after him after-school one day a week from next term. And he said, “Fine but please can you not choose anyone black?” I drilled this down and down and down and he meant what he said. Not someone black.

I said “Why?”

And he said “I don’t know.”

I said, “You know grandma was black?” (He never met her, she died before he was born).

And he said, “I know, but I don’t want you to choose anyone black.”

I said, “You know mummy is half black?”

And he said, “I know, but please don’t choose anyone black.”

I had absolutely no idea what to say. I remember reading once that you shouldn’t shame children for saying things like that, and we were in a cafe at the time, so all I said was, “You know what you said isn’t good, right?”

And he said, “I don’t know all the things yet!”

I didn’t want to get into it (mostly because I didn’t want to get it wrong) so I said we’d talk about it later.

But I am still totally unable to think what to say. I’m heartbroken. Completely and utterly heartbroken.

Can someone give me some advice? I don’t know what to do! And I don’t know why he’s saying things like that! We live somewhere pretty multicultural in london, though his school is quite cringe-worthily white and middle class.

This is such a good response, BlouseAndSkirt, I wish I’d thought to say all that at the time I was so knocked sideways that I didn’t know how to respond!

Racism is a system based on oppression and white people are not, nor have ever been, oppressed

I don’t agree with this, this is an American viewpoint that’s crewing in over here, imho.
I have a diverse family, also living in a diverse part of London.
My nephew is mixed race, however looks pretty white. He is the whitest child in his class, (there are no actual white children in his class) he had a few issues at school because some of the black boys didn’t want a ‘white boy’ playing football with them, (primary school).
The teacher was good, sat all the kids down for circle time about everyone being different, but unique and special, and she sorted it out.
It can happen all sorts of ways, I’d say the white girls targeted in Rotherham etc were victims of racism too. I don’t think it does anyone any favours saying white peoples can’t be victims of racism.
I don’t want to derail though....

OP, I know what you meant by your cringe inducing comment, I think most people did.

I’d also suggest extra curricular activities to introduce a variety of people, and also pick out some books/tv shows with positive non-white role models.
He’s only young, so try and encourage him, rather than point it out overtly? He knows you’re not white.
My dd went through a similar phase at a similar age, and asked DP why he wasn’t ‘normal colour’. She’s proud of who she is now at age 9, so positive reinforcement all the way

I think he might mean he doesn’t know how to “act black” even though it is part of his heritage. It might be worth starting a conversation about how he thinks black people might act differently or be different to white people, at some point? It might be something very simple that you can put straight very easily, like someone at school told him black people eat spicy curry, and he doesn’t like that?

“I don’t know all the things yet!”

Wise boy has answered why. He's little, he's still learning.

I think it is cringe worthy when a school does not reflect its local community.

It isn't cringeworthy because it is largely white, it is cringeworthy because it is white in a very mixed area.
If it was a largely white school in a largely white area it wouldn't be cringeworthy.
Ditto schools that have a very middle class intake, in very mixed areas.

To echo pp I have a five year old and he really doesn’t have a sense of ethnicity.

He can copy other people though and today spent a good half hour trying to tell his piano teacher how to do judo?!?? I can only assume some kid in his class does judo? He certainly has no idea.

I’d be having a quiet word with your ds teacher as it’s either a complete misunderstanding (the black T-shirt idea) or Repeated chat from some other kid.

Somethings my kid also prefers my dh to me. Kids get it wrong all the time .

Oppression is an effect of racism, it’s not the definition, @minminminnie

Racism definition - prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior

So, actually, anyone can be a victim of racism..anyone at all. Whether white people ever are victims in this country is another matter.

Thank you, blouse - and you have described his school exactly.

That’s interesting, atthebottom! They’re picking up all sorts of things around them.

I wonder if he has heard something about black people he is concerned about. Not necessarily negative but for example 'black peoples cooking has lots of vegetables in'

A five year old mind will go 'i don't like vegetables so dont want someone who cooks lots of them' without attaching race to it particularly.

I wouldn't cross examine but chat about the type of person so will they be young, old , local, travel on a bus to get here, wear purple hats. Something may come out over time.

@minminminnie historically, the Scots were oppressed by the English. They were subjected to horrific treatment ie the highland clearances whereby their language and culture was stamped out and they were brutally raped and murdered. They were oppressed. So if someone of Celtic ethnicity were to go to England and be subjected to discriminatory treatment because of their ethnicity, what would you call that? Racism? Since they meet the "oppressed" requirement. Or discrimination.

Here come the white people demanding to be equally offended.

It is actually ok to find someone slagging off white middle class people offensive.

Children are like tape-recorders, and soak up any assemblege of words, from any source. It's up to parents to correct words like swear words, and just say we dont use those words. But to put things straight, more integration with the black community will sort out any fears or concerns your 5YO may or may not have picked up; I wouldn't dwell on it though, your child is not racist.

Are there any black children in his class/school? I know you said it was predominantly white but could he have had a n argument or fight with a back child at school and somehow attributed this to his skin colour as he is 5 and doesn't understand?

My DD (4) came home from school one saying she didn't like anyone called Theo and wanted to un-invite all the Theo's from her party (4 in her year group!) because one of them was apparently mean to her, and she therefore decided that all Theos were mean!

I can't fathom how a 5 year old could be intentionally racist.

I think people, especially children, tend to identify with people who look like them. I'm not saying that's right or wrong, just that that's how it is. Presumably your DS looks white? I remember when my DS was 3yo, I got on a crowded train with him, and indicated him to sit on the seat opposite me. He didn't want to sit next to the person of colour who was already sitting there. He struggled and refused. The man was quite offended, understandably, but I had to say that ds was too young to understand.

I also recall my own DS around that age wishing he was darker (he’s mixed race) because the black boys were the fastest, and he thought he’d be faster if he was darker. Their little minds are very literal at this age. This could have literally been brought about by anything

bellatrix there are no black children in his entire year group! I probably live in one of the most diverse boroughs in London as well. There are a few black teachers, and our neighbour who he really likes, and runs up to to chat to every single day, is black. Beyond that, he only sees diversity on the street, but not in school or his after school club (that he’s desperate to ditch, hence me finding an after school childminder), or his out-of-school friendship circle (the children of my NCT friends).

@minminminnie of course black people can be racist. Look at the dictionary definition of the word.

A fun activity I've done with my kids is to get a tube of smarties. Explain how they are different just like people - lots of different colours. Then put them in a jar of water and skake them up and drain. Now they all look the same once the colour has washed off - just like us, we're the same underneath, the outside colour doesn't matter. I know it's very over simplified but it's a concept that young kids will understand.

I would just ask your child at some point, OP, whether there is a black person who has been unkind to them or scared them. There might not be and it could be some other reason, but I would just want to check that there isn't someone who has actually upset or hurt them. Of course them being black is irrelevant to that, but your child might have connected them in their mind.

He's only a small child he is incapable of intentional offence. Like he says, he doesn't know all the things.
He'll have picked up a very juvenile connection somewhere (equal to child saying I dont like big people/ beards) and it's up to you to parent him that that's not right.

My little boy asked just now if girls can 'like' people (romantically), genuinely asking if girls are capable of emotion!! I'm a lifelong feminist but I'm not horrified or taking it personally. I gently explain the errors of his ways. Children need education and guidance, they are naturally quite unrefined.

I wonder if this is internalised anxiety about race. By 5 you’re old enough to have absorbed negative messages about race even if it’s unconscious and not fully understood.

Perhaps 1. He’s picked up a message that black people (other than his relations) are other, different, scary. Or 2. That he’s in white school and he doesn’t want the other white kids to know that he’s not exactly like them. You say you’re ‘very white’ OP but perhaps if he has a black person looking after him that might mark him out as different.

Well, one option is to deliberately choose someone black to widen his opinions. I'm sure you can find someone black with suitable qualifications/experience.

My DD is mixed and we have had some strange conversations with her and her white cousins. One asked when she was burnt.

Based on some of the very weird things Ive heard young children say could it be that he doesnt want to 'catch' black. It could be that he has rationalised that as both you and he (as far as he can determine) are both 'white' and you inhabit the same house. All of his peers are white and they inhabit the same classroom etc .From a young childs point of view maybe thats how skin colour happens and he wants to stay as he is.

and it's up to you to parent him that that's not right.

It’s important not to shut this down as ‘wrong’. He need to be able to talk about why he feels like this. If it’s anxiety about his racial origins - that’s ok.