My toddler keeps calling the Christmas tree an arsehole.

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

My twins have delayed speech and often make up their own words for things. Obviously, we encourage them to talk as much as possible.

We recently put up the Christmas tree. 'Christmas!' I chirruped brightly at them. 'Can you say Christmas?'

'Scrimshaw,' said DT1. Well, okay, sorta.

'Arsehole,' said DT2, firmly, pointing at the tree.

Oh God. We are going to my mum's for the 25th. Every time DT2 sees a Christmas tree, she now exclaims 'Arsehole!' enthusiastically. She has never heard that word - it's just coincidence that she's making that sound - but it is unfortunately very, very clear.

Can I train her out of it in the next week??

@BillHadersNewWife , you have just made my Christmas.

At least his first word was not Mary

You say that. DD1 (nearly 5) is rehearsing for her reception nativity, which is this week. This has resulted in her endlessly playing 'baby Jesus' with her friends. Sweet, right?

Only, it emerges that the baby Jesus game involves Mary and Joseph swaddling Jesus, who rebels ('I don't want to go in that manger!'), escapes and runs away across the playground, chased by M and J who have to shout 'get back here! Jesus, you naughty toddler! We're going to catch you and put you in jail!' M and J then rugby tackle Jesus and haul him off using the swaddling blanket as a kind of straitjacket.

We only found out because DD1's knees have been badly scratched this week - apparently because she was Jesus

Anyhow, her nativity is tomorrow. Is it bad that I'm really looking forward to it?

PlasticPatty honestly, I doubt her vocab is that advanced - it's pretty limited to 'milk', 'chair', names of various animals etc. But I may be able to pass it off as that.......

My DS has communication difficulties. I vividly remember the year he was bought a Despicable Me Fart Gun for Christmas. He took it everywhere and used to press the button constantly and shout something that sounded like "fucker, fucker" . We got some strange looks.

In fact DS had several of these. I think I've blanked some from my mind. I just got really good at saying, pointedly and with a big smile, "well done, that's right" (and the correct pronunciation) while ignoring the shocked looks.

I also remember the time when there was a crowd of people blocking the way and ignoring my "excuse me". I was trying to pass with DS in the pushchair. He had an Eric Carle transport sound book and he pressed the horn button. When they moved he pressed the radio button, which played Flight Of The Valkyries as we passed. Sometimes they have impeccable timing.

Can't wait for the next 'any ideas for twin names?' thread when the suggestion Scrimshaw and Arsehole comes up

My DD2 is called Charlotte. DD1 as a toddler couldn't pronounce this and used to call her 'harlot'.

My speech delayed 6 year old told me he had a dick yesterday and a cwown it was only when he did the actions I found out he had a TICK ✅ and a crown 👑

My friends DD has started saying "Fuck Sake' when anything mildly inconvenient happens. Great source of amusement for me lol.

I am a speech pathologist and I regularly have to keep a straight face and hold in my laughter at some of the speech sound errors I hear 😂

My son who has speech issues and autism used to called chips “tits”. He used to get very excited when we used to visit McDonald’s and would proudly proclaim he wanted “tits”!

Sorry OP I lol no advice tho.

DS (3.5) is loud and can carry a tune...he spent Sunday at church bellowing 'tear out my souuuul' (The words are tell out my soul)

sorry, but

If it's any consolation when my eldest was first trying to talk, and trying to say either 'Mama' or 'Dada' (I know not which), the first word that came out was 'Murder'!

We had a family holiday at a friend's villa in Spain when my brothers and I were kids. Next door had a dog who appeared to be called 'Asshole'. Every day mid afternoon the neighbour would stand on his decking trying to call the dog back inside. We found it hilarious.

DS says 'Oh sake!' a lot too Bunney luckily the full sentence I say is only 'oh for goodness sake'

Scrimshaw and Arsehole would be better than what they actually call each other, which is 'Fishy' and 'That'.

Sniggering at 'harlot', too.

Oh my god this thread has got me in hysterics.

My son used to call popcorn cockporn

My young ds turned around to me one day and said aren't some dogs bastards. I was like what do you mean? and he was like you know the way some dogs are called bastards. Bitches he meant bitches/

This thread is brilliant.

I read about a toddler who would ask for a 'crack whore' (cracker) with 'big tits' (biscuits)!

Indeed. Nothing melts your heart as your 2.5 year old, brow furrowed with focus, trying to get two bits of DUPLO click together, failing and saying under her breath: FUCKING HELL

DH was told to mind his fucking language in the car on the way from childcare

My DD used to call watches "clocks" or more usually "cocks" which led to a very embarrassing shopping trip when she pointed at a man and yelled "look a big cock" as he had a large wristwatch on I was mortified!
DS2 used to call crisps "piss" and used to loudly request "piss, mummy, piss" in public

My DS used to call our cats twats. 🤣

Ah yes, apparently I once instructed my grandma to piss at a cat that was digging her garden. I meant “say pssst”, I am sure.

When we took my then 6 year old son to Disneyland Paris, he wrote down "Fack You" to thank us. We've since discovered that he is dyslexic and has mild speech difficulties.

We still laugh about that one.