Carrying a roast dinner 200 miles by train

[hambledon]

This is a similar situation to the thread about carrying a roast dinner to Lanzarote but not a TAAT.

DM moved to a care home a few months ago. It's 200 miles away. Before anybody asks why she's so far away I did try over a long period to get her to live closer to us but the council wouldn't fund residential care near us as it costs much more. She also insisted she does not want to live in London. She wants to stay in her rural county.

I can't drive 200 miles as I have problems with my back and DH has had a hip operation which he hasn't recovered from fully so he can't drive either. So, we decided to get train tickets. The journey is about 45 mins from home to central London then 3 hours train journey and about 15 mins walk to the care home. We are going to go on Christmas Eve to eat and exchange presents with him.

The problems we have are:

1. Her care home are going to let us use their function room for the 5 of us to eat but can't provide food
2. The journey is too long to safely carry pre cooked meat plus it would also be a very heavy load to carry together with drinks, crockery etc especially as DH isn't very steady on his feet
3. I tried very hard over a long period to find somebody who would deliver food to the care home but absolutely nothing available partly as it is a rural area
4. DM fractured her hip not long ago and has dementia and gets very anxious if she even has to leave her room which ruled out taxi ride to nearest pub.

So far my solution has been to pre order a Christmas meal from a pub near the station which we will carry to the care home. But, the pub are not set up for takeaways. We will have to decant 5, 3 course meals and carry it 15 mins uphill to the care home and put in paper plates (too heavy to carry all the crockery and cutlery on the train).

This whole thing seems a stressful palaver (added to which the trains are striking and the journey is going to be very unreliable) I am tempted to just the four of us sit in the pub and have the meal then take a lovely cake, nibbles and champagne to DM and exchange presents. I just know she will be very disappointed. What should we do?

Well OP I think you are awesome!

The love you must have for your Mum, it’s lovely to read. Family is what Christmas should be about.

I’d take cold sliced turkey, sausage rolls, Christmas cake, champagne, crackers etc

Yes I think selfish was the wrong word so I'll apologise before the pile on

I would have gone alone though, stayed the night in a hotel the night before so it wasn't all such a rush and more time to spend with your mum

The care home my MIL is in let’s you pre book to eat there (you have to pay for the meals). I would see if I could do that and ask them if you could have the meal in the function room and just take a nice tablecloth and crackers and some mince pies/Christmas cake. Otherwise I think a nice cold buffet with salmon, pork pies, nice bread etc would be lovely.

Should of said my MIL refuses leave the care home to eat out with us so this is what we do. I also take her a gift bag of her favourite treats to leave with her.

Wow what a faff !!! Forget the meal, she’s depressed and has dementia
Let her have her meals as normal
Spend time with her and be relaxed and enjoy the company
With dementia and depression and pain she will need it to be as uncomplicated as poss and will need her family to be relaxed and not stressed out about hot meal etc etc
I think you are making it all unnecessarily tricky and surely she just wants to spend time with you ????????

Your plan of cold buffet food sounds great OP. I think the effort and worry you've put in over this shows how much you care about doing something lovely for your DM and you don't sound selfish at all, quite the opposite. I'm sure she will be thrilled just to have you and the family there.

Hope it all goes well and you all have a fab time.

Could you take your DM out to the pub in a taxi - or ask care home if they could take you

You sound like an amazing daughter. I have been in your shoes with a parent with dementia. I was always trying to fix things or make the perfect thing happen too. It was making me very stressed and unhappy. In the end I decided that I would only do what was realistic and doo - able and do something I would enjoy too. I realised the perfect this or the perfect that was never going to make up for the pain dementia brings both to the person and their family. But what I could do was spend time being with them as relaxed and as happy as possible so that the atmosphere was pleasant and that as little stress as possible was added to the situation. And as time moved on my dad didn't have "memories" of stuff we were doing but did have an "emotional memory" so needed to feel safe loved relaxed and confident. If you can concerntrate on the feelings and the atmosphere. Be at one with what ever you decide to bring to eat and let her know it was more important to be together. Try to bring some kind of game or fun thing to distract any difficult moments and generate an atmosphere. Perhaps you could bring music on your phone look at old photos or somthing. Above all be kind to your self and let your family comfort you. Talk to them about all the frustrations and difficulties so that when you are together you can bring the love. Dont beat your self up. Sending you support and all best wishes.

Thanks for the replies with good ideas and support.

Other people have clearly not RTFT at all!

sorry I haven't got time to read the whole thread, could you go a day or so earlier and take her out to dinner instead?

If I go a day earlier I would have to stay in air B and B/hotel. As I mentioned many, many times before this is a very rural area. The nearest accommodation is 5 miles away and costs £120 a night and we have no car.

My mother really does not want to leave the care home and that is fair enough. It is painful for her to walk and difficult for her to get in and out of cars etc. She also has depression and dementia. She really would not enjoy being in a pub and it would be stressful for all of us.

Oh dear I meant to bold this particularly unhelpful contribution

sorry I haven't got time to read the whole thread, could you go a day or so earlier and take her out to dinner instead?*

I think you're doing the right thing, @hambledon.

Have a lovely Christmas

I'm not convinced everyone believes the rural parts of this country actually exist

Phone the home and ask them to put a notice up in the staff room asking if anyone will buy and defrost 5 dinners on the day, timed for you arriving. Offer them a few quid and bank transfer or PayPal the money for the meals in advance.

Buy in advance and defrost on the day I mean.
All the staff will be on nmw, so say, £30 would be a nice bonus for them.

The op has already said that she is taking a cold buffet now!!

SOdabread

I hope you read this as I don't really understand how tagging works on MN!

Thank you! Nobody can really understand dementia until it happens to someone close to them. I have experienced it with grandparents and in laws but this is different. If it's your partner or parent and you have no siblings it is not a gentle or comical experience it is incredibly, incredibly hard. Not just emotionally but physically, practically super hard. Intellectually I totally accept what dementia means but the reality of the work I have to do by myself to accommodate it is extraordinary. It is far harder than having small children but without the compensation of lovely squeezy hugs, photos which get lots of likes and the satisfaction of knowing they are growing and developing. Nobody thanks you for caring for someone with dementia. In fact many people blankly ask you why you do it. Can't you just pay a carer/put her in a home? Er, no because this is 2019. Carers and care homes are for the rich now. If you aren't rich then a female relative will have to do it (and work and bring up her teenagers too).