Divorce for low earner/high earner - suggested settlement

[Free83]

STBX and I are awaiting our Decree Nisi and have agreed on pretty much everything regarding our split. Our daughters (aged 5&6) will stay with me and he will have them every other weekend and one night during the week on alternate weeks.

We have £400k equity in our house, so £300k will go to me and £100k to him. The remaining assets (pensions, shares, cash) have been divided so that we each end up with pretty much 50% of the total pot each:

Me:
£300k equity
£65k personal pension
£6k car
£5k shares
£9k cash
=£385k total

Him:
£100k equity
£275k personal pension
£10k shares
£9k car
£20k cash

We both work full time, but I work in my daughters’ school so do the full-time childcare. I earn £11k pa and he earns £102k, plus bonus of approx. £28k (av.)pa. He wants a clean break on the basis of the above split.

I haven’t spoken to my solicitor since our initial advice meeting, but STBX says his solicitor is firm in her belief that the proposal is fair and just.

For anyone who has been in a similar position, does this all look about right??

I know there's a lot of upheaval and you're trying to remain amicable op. But if you let him manipulate and screw you, you will regret it in the future when all this has settled. Don't let him make your life and your kids lives harder by being a greedy cunt. He's happy to watch you struggle while looking after his children, fuck him.

There was a firm..can’t remember their name ...when I was going through my divorce who said..the pension is worth more than the house.so please check that out with a solicitor who is red hot on the financials.

We went for a clean break after 33 years of marriage. I got 72 per cent.
He said he got shafted.
I know for a fact he will have salted money away right left and centre.
It’s interesting that his widow hasn’t needed to go back to work in the 5 up years since his death.
Although he was telling our son he was penniless.

So , be careful op ...do get the best advice you can afford.
You sound like you do have good earning potential when your children are older.
For one, I think you should have the whole house ..so you’re children aren’t uprooted..hopefully you could afford to live there.

You’re only 36 and retirement is a long time away...but believe me..it’s blooming expensive to live and trying to enjoy your last years before old age kicks in

Yes, my solicitor says this won’t be viewed as fair, but STBX and his solicitor aren’t shifting. This is the firm, final deal according to him

Please do not throw on the towel OP. Listen to your solicitor. The decisions you make now will affect you financially for the rest of your life.

Taje advice from your solicitor re possible routes so that you know what choices you have. Get yourself fully informed as to all the options. Then decide.

Don't make a decision based on your ex's bullying words or his protestations about the legal advice he's been given. If you do that, how will you feel in 5 years, when you've had time for it all to show up.

Why is he getting to keep his entire (huge) pension pot? You said you earned similar amounts before kids. They are his kids too yet you are the one losing out on a secure retirement - because you decided together that you would change/sacrifice your career.

And as others have said, you definitely need to have a proper assessment of the pensions. Don't fall for jam today of the house, while leaving yourself short-changed in retirement. BiL is trying this trick with SiL atm, he's doing everything he can to keep the lion's share of the pensions but isn't as bothered About the house..there’s a reason for that

^^^
This

Oh op..I do feel for you. Still living in the same house as well. How awful
My exh tried that trick of saying that he wanted a third of the house and I could downsize when I was 60 ..like four years from the divorce. We lived in a modest sized semi detached bungalow , to get something smaller, would not have been much cheaper. He was worried his wife was going to have to contribute to maintainance .
Anyway, my so,icitor advised a clean break and I got the whole house and my peace of mind.
He pulled every trick InThe book. He ran up credit card debt of £30k after he left me.
I think my solicitor wisely did not tell me, I was already a nervous wreck as it was, that I could’ve been responsible for half. Luckily the judge saw through him and said as he’d run the debt up after leaving the marriage..it was all his.
I was shell shocked when I heard her say that.
You should’ve seen his start up costs for Dubai..I know it’s expensive over there but it read like he was moving into a sheikhs Palace.
It was something like £225k

The judge wasn’t wearing that one either. He was on a salary of about £100k at the time ffs.

As pp are saying, his solicitor is out to protect his interests..not yours.
So you need a solicitor to fight for every penny you need to raise your children. Someone who will play hardball with his solicitor so you don’t have to.
Good luck op

I think here you need to realise it is not the solicitor saying that it is him as a client. In terms of letters etc his solicitor would very much be bound by what he is saying so it is his voice coming through not theirs.

His solicitor does not trump your solicitor's advice.

Although I practice in a different area of law, I do not think the suggested settlement is fair enough to you and your children regarding your query I've whether the Court would agree the Consent Order, it's likely that they wouldn't on the basis that this settlement is not fair to you. However no one can predict how a judge will act on the day (trust me on that).

I understand entirely how terrifying the idea is that you will lose your children for 50% of the time as he's threatening to pursue greater residence, but really will he? Or is he trying to threaten you to agree to this settlement by using "custody" arguments against you? He's not the first to do this and certainly won't be the last. How would increased residence (and all it involves) fit in with his high powered career?

Please listen very seriously to your solicitor and don't just agree to what STBX says in the interests of keeping things "amicable" for the children. He's using this against you. Please think about your future as well as theirs.

Namechange for letters like this though it may not even be the solicitors advice - settlements are not bound by law so they pretty much have to set out what the client wishes

His solicitor will only do what his client (your ex) tells them too.This 'he won't shift and it's final' is bollocks, that's what he is telling his solicitor to do. Oh, and his solicitors advice doesn't trump yours (and vice versa), only a judge can make a final decision.

I'm in a similar situation. Has made an offer for settlement and tells me it's too generous and that his solicitor wants to reduce it. He blames the solicitor for divorce and everything. It's just lies and bullying. You have to be so strong.

OP you say you want to keep it amicable but he is not showing you the same kindness.

He’s trying to bully you out of what you are entitled to. This isn’t 50:50 and considering you’ve sacrificed a higher earning career you should be getting around 60-70%. His pension should be on the table and honestly I think you would have a strong case for remaining where you are.

Please get good legal advise and don’t be manipulated by this man. He presumably has been happy to increase his earnings supported by you providing childcare for all these years. You are owed more than this.

Forget about yourself for a moment OP please.

YOUR CHILDREN are being totally screwed in this settlement.

They are very young and are very inexpensive to rare at this point in time.

This is a really, really bad settlement.

Get a solicitor.

Do not accept a final settlement.

You are being bullied and your children will be collateral damage in this.

Please get a solicitor to advocate for you.

Go to court.
You couldn't possibly get a worse deal than the figures you have written.

You had a good career and have given that up for your children's care.

You should NOT be moving out of the house and area.

Let a judge decide.

He has absolutely NO intention of going for custody.

He must be some prick to use his children as a bargaining tool.

Shame on him.

Let a judge decide.

Get proper advice.

His solicitor has absolutely NO interest in you getting a fair settlement.

*rear!

I agree entirely with billy1966 apart from the fact that his solicitor is merely following the views of their client and saying what he is giving them. Stop for a minute and see that he is making out this is 50/50 when it isnt

You do realise you're not even getting 50% of the total pot!

If you're going to be the primary carer and have given up a career to raise the kids AND you're earning potential has been drastically reduced, you should be looking at getting a lot more than 50%, let alone LESS than
50%.. OP you really need to thrash this out with a solicitor before agreeing to anything.

I can't but wonder what he'd want if he was resident parent, I'm sure he'd see it rather differently than what he offered you

I don't mean ask him to be resident parent but had he of been he'd get minimal maintenance from you in return.

I'd love to have £4K each month to be honest - I think he's putting himself first and not his children tbh

Also OP, you potentially have 15+ years at least, funding your girls education.

It may be very tempting to give in....acquiesce to his bullying.....just settle and try and move on ....in haste.

The thing is, if you don't get a good settlement, you most likely will be repenting, at great leisure for years and years, as you juggle financially, regretting that you didn't get a fair amount and and struggling to give your girls what they deserve.

While that twat you divorced, goes from strength to strength, living a fine life, having royally screwed you over.

Deep breath, you can do this....for your girls.
👍💐

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment. It really does make me feel so much less isolated.

I am conscious I will have my Decree Nisi through in 9 days, so I really need to focus on the future - me and my girls - and take the shine off of STBX, who will be a minor (hopefully) factor in my life going forward. I have an image in my head, practically, of what I want our life to be, so need to turn that into a reality. I will meet with my solicitor soon and will not sign anything without her approval. Initial conversations seem to suggest that his view is of 50:50, while my solicitor is more inclined towards 70:30, so a 60:40 split gives me something concrete to aim for.

I don’t want to take more than is fair, but I also don’t want to do my girls a disservice through cowardice.

I am resolved! Fingers crossed it’s not too painful / drawn out as I look forward to the future, but the shared present is bloody hard.x

I'm delighted to read the above OP.👏
I appreciate this must be very, very hard.

But you can see the bigger picture, and you do realise that it is your children's future and security at stake.

You will get through this, and you will be happier knowing you got the maximum you could get, so that your children can thrive and enjoy a comfortable childhood.

Wishing you success and strength 👍💐

Listen to your solicitor about the 70:30.

You need to think ahead to your children’s future. Do you what them to be able do out of school activities like sports or dancing that can cost of a lot of money ? Perhaps they will need private tutoring ? Do you what to support them through university ?

Children of 5 and 6 with no childcare costs are very cheap to run. Things only get more expensive from now on.

Your have absolutely NO WAY of knowing what child support your husband will pay next year, let alone on 10 years. Many men promise the world to get the divorce through then stop paying. They go “ self employed “ and put all the income through their new partners name.

They move abroad.

They have more kids or move in with a woman with kids, which reduces their liability.

This is why you need a better share of the assets, to give your children security . Their father has already shown that he’s unreliable and untrustworthy.

You're not alone OP, I'm also awaiting my decree nisi and also have a STBXH who, funnily enough, tells me that his solicitor thinks that what he's offering is a great deal for me.

I find that when I questions STBXH's statements, and tell him I'm passing it over to my solicitor, he gets markedly less amicable...

But I've been here before. This is my second divorce. In the first, I was accommodating and thoughtful to my ex- and I ended up royally screwed over. I'm not being a vengeful STBXW this time, far from it- but I'm not going to roll over and say yes to everything.

And neither should you. You owe it to your daughters to ensure their comfort as they grow.

Since he received my solicitors letter hes gone no contact and cut me off financially. I now realise he was just playing with me to get me to agree to his good offer.